Julio Lugo won't be in a Red Sox uniform if Theo listens to my advice in this slideshow. He's one of the first guys traded.
Some of the choices replacing some of the Red Sox players I have selected may surprise you, they may make you laugh, or they may make you scratch your head.
None of these trades could actually go down, but here's hoping. They are meant only for satirical reasons.
Julio Lugo will be traded very soon (I'm not even joking, the rumors are swirling already).
The photo above kinda shows Lugo running away from Boston...
Anyway, the Red Sox should trade Lugo for...
...for the Milwaukee Brewers' JJ Hardy.
Hardy's a better defenseman than Lugo, and (even though he's having a down year so far) would likely be a better offensive pick up than Lugo (and probably Nick Green).
But there's another option for the Red Sox to trade Lugo. They could trade Lugo for...
...A bag of baseballs!!!!
At this point, Theo would be looking for anything to give up for Lugo. A bag of baseballs is versatile, you can use the baseballs over and over agiain, and you can use the bag over and over again, serving needs other than carrying baseballs!
JD Drew. Probably among the worst pickups ever for Theo. He's constantly injured, and has put up so-so offensive numbers.
Drew will be traded for...
...for the Atlanta Braves' Jeff Francoeur.
Jeff Francoeur has never been as good as he was in his rookie year, but I think he would be a step up from Drew. He also hustles harder than Drew.
Also, Francoeur carried a Red Sox credit card before his teammates made him change it.
But JD Drew could also be traded for...
...the Washington Nationals' Adam Dunn.
Dunn really can't play defense and strikes out a ton, but when he makes contact with the baseball, you can say goodbye to it.
But there's still another option! The Red Sox could also trade Drew for...
...New York Yankees' Xavier Nady.
I know, I know. Nady's on the Yankees, the archrival of the Red Sox. But I've always liked this guy, even when he was in pinstripes.
Also, having to former teammates like Bay and Nady together again could pay dividends for the BoSox.
That's the last JD Drew trade possibility.
It's inevitable. Penny will be gone the moment that John Smoltz is ready to come back from AAA.
Brad Penny will be traded for...
...the Philadelphia Phillies Jason Donald.
Donald is the Phillies top prospect, and it might take more than Penny to pry him out of Philadelphia. But, you never know.
There's another option for the BoSox to trade Penny. That is...
...the Washington Nationals' Josh Willingham.
Willingham has always been a solid, productive player, who hustles and plays good-enough defense.
Willingham would be a big step over Drew in right, so if the BoSox get Willingham, let's hope that Drew is right out the door behind Penny.
Daniel Bard is a young, flamethrowing righty that has a bright future...but potentially not with Boston.
When John Smoltz comes back, it's probably going to be either Penny or Bard that will be gone, and I hope it's not Bard.
But, just in case, here's a list for potential trades that Theo could make for Bard.
...The San Francisco Giants' Matt Cain!
Let's have Theo trade one good, young, fireballing righty for another. The only difference is Cain's been in the league for awhile, and is a starter, and Bard was just recently called up, and is a reliever.
But, there's another option, for the Red Sox to trade Bard. And that is...
...The Toronto Blue Jays' Scott Richmond!
Another young, flamethrowing righty. Richmond's been good this season, and would be valuable out of the bullpen for the Red Sox...if there's room in the bullpen.
But there's still another option for the Red Sox, they could trade Bard for...
...Another bag of baseballs!
At this point, Theo's just looking for a spot in the bullpen for Smoltz, so he should be willing to give up Bard for a bag of baseballs.