Eight Things Casual MMA Fans Say That Drive Me Crazy

It never fails: 30 seconds into any UFC broadcast, there is always someone that yells, “Isn’t that the guy from Fear Factor?”

This leads to a lengthy explanation of why Joe Rogan is in fact qualified to commentate on mixed martial arts, causing me to miss much of the dialogue that Rogan was saying in the first place.

Rogan began practicing martial arts at age 13 and won the US Open Tae Kwan Do Championship at 19. He also travels around the country, training with different fighters to help hone his commentating on the sport.

So, yes, that is the guy from Fear Factor, and, yes, he is qualified to talk about the sport, so please let me listen to him.

It normally only takes a couple of minutes into the first fight for someone to ask, “Can they [fill in ridiculous combat tactic here]?”

The answer is no, a fighter cannot poke his opponent in the eye, stick his finger in his nose, gouge his eye, or anything else you saw during Bloodsport.

Often times, the person is asking this question to be funny. While the image of Georges St-Pierre tickling Thiago Alves from the mounted position is hysterical (insert sarcastic look here), he’s not going to do it, so don’t ask.

I admit, Condom Depot is a funny sponsor. At the same time, exposing their company to males 18-34 is not only good marketing, but also a conscious effort to reach a group highly susceptible to STDs.

Fans who do not watch a lot of fighting will be surprised when they see this brand, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is the giggling and comments EVERY time the camera is at an angle to read the fighter’s shorts.

I’m trying to watch Gabriel Gonzaga pound his opponent. Stop making condom jokes.

Cauliflower ear is an unfortunate price that many fighters pay for putting their bodies through such physical trauma. It is also not pleasant to look at.

Understandably, casual fans might be taken aback when they see a fighter’s ear in less than pristine condition. However, this does not give you the right to shriek, hide your face, or go “Ew!” in a loud, high-pitched voice every time you see it. After the 17th time, you should no longer be shocked.

Note: This section is completely null and void if the casual fan is watching a fight with James Thompson. Even hardcore fans have their limits.

I have heard serious MMA fans echo this sentiment, but I most commonly hear it from people who have no idea about the sport. Naturally, the idea seeps into people who only have a slight viewing interest, and those are the ones that I’m addressing.

On the outside, this is a perfectly plausible thing to say. We hear the crowd go nuts every time a fighter is opened up. You would have thought someone had just won the Super Bowl when Chris Lytle stood up wearing his crimson mask (pictured).

However, let’s take our analysis a little deeper.

While most readers have never tried, it is somewhat difficult to open a sizable cut on the face of someone who is actively trying to do the same thing to you. In fact, it takes a considerable amount of effort.

So, when a fighter does succeed at opening his opponent up, it is because he has been expelling a ton of effort to do so.

Could it be that the fans are actually cheering the exciting fight that they are watching, rather than simply the red stuff that came as a result of said excitement? I certainly think so.

I have seen exceptionally exciting fights where no blood was spilled, and the crowd cheered exactly the same.

Claiming that fans only care about blood not only breaks a viewership down into a ridiculous stimulus/ response monkey, but further serves to broadcast an ignorance of the sport.

Bruce Lee was the original mixed martial artist. His mantra, “Study everything and keep what works,” is the building block on which MMA is built. It would have been a blast to see him compete today.

The fact that Lee was also an actor has led the casual fan to muse about other prominent film martial artists today and what they might do in the octagon.

Musing is different from saying that Tony Jaa would be too fast for BJ Penn to catch, or that Jet Li would use his superior footwork to out-kick Anderson Silva.

This might sound ridiculous, but I have had multiple and read multiple conversations with people who are quite serious in their belief that Jackie Chan would “kick ass” in the ring.

Movie fighting is different than real fighting. Martial arts actors are phenomenal athletes who perform incredible stunts. They belong on a screen, not in a ring.

Despite what CBS led you to believe, Kimbo Slice is not the headliner on every MMA card.

No, he is not the pound for pound best fighter in the sport.

No, he could not beat Fedor. Or Brock Lesnar. Or Frank Mir. Or Cain Velasquez. Or Shane Carwin.

Hell, he couldn’t beat Seth Petruzelli.

Of course, special thanks must be given to the UFC for putting Slice on the next season of The Ultimate Fighter, since now, when someone asks me this question, I might actually have to say yes.

Grappling might be one of the most difficult and demanding aspects of any sport. Fighters train for years to hone their ground skills, and a properly administered submission is a thing of beauty.

But of course, all it really is is two guys lying on each other in an act of homoeroticism. Right?

There is nothing more annoying than having to hear guys at a bar who would get taped in 15 seconds yelling, “I bet they kiss soon!” Such comments always have a snowball effect, to the point where every time fighters clinch or pull guard, there is a steady stream of snickering.

I am waiting for the day when someone calls MMA gay with a professional fighter sitting next to him. That might actually get me to turn away from the TV...for a minute.

Cameron Gidari is really a lot of fun to watch MMA fights with, and this article is just a court-ordered way for him to release the pent-up frustration from six years of trying to convert his friends into hardcore fans. If you have a topic that you’d like to see in The Ocho, send Cameron an email at cgidari@asu.edu.