3 Ring Circus: Dolphins, Raiders & Broncos Most Dysfunctional NFL Franchises

As we prepare once again to dive into the oft-times fetid pool that is the NFL Draft, undoubtedly the single most over-hyped and anticipated day on the football calendar, let us stroll thru the Garden of Ashes that represents the three most dysfunctional franchises in pro football.

Argue if you will with the rankings, but even those who live and breathe for these teams will have to admit that, all too often, being a fan of these teams means one should have to apply for status in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

#3 THE DENVER BRONCOS

Mike Shanahan absolutely must have color glossy photos of someone in team ownership posing with an equine or bovine friend. That is the only way feasible this sorry excuse for a two-time Super Bowl winning head coach continues to hold the position. 

His Super Bowls were won with John Elway and rosters left to him by others. Since Elway retired in 1853, the Broncos have sniffed at more horse manure than they have at Championships.

Owner Pat Bowlen has said many times that he won't even consider changing coaches because, to paraphrase, there isn't anyone out there who would make a better coach.

I respect Pat Bowlen. However, when mulling over that phrase I'm struck by other moments in history. Such as when Rutherford B. Hayes might have closed a conversation with the words, "I would certainly consider sending someone else to speak with our Lakota and Northern Cheyenne brothers regarding land acquisition, but there is no finer representative than General Custer".

Yes, I can certainly hear many of you orange barrel wearing zealots out there, (many of whom happen to comprise one of the best pro football fan bases in America), screaming "WAIT! Last year was only the second losing season in the 13 year tenure of Coach Shanahan! Does that count for NOTHING???"

The answer is simple. You are correct, it counts for nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. Goose egg. Especially when you consider what this franchise was before this Raiders reject was brought on board.

The NFL is like any other major sports league. What have you done for me lately? Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Don't urinate on me and tell me it's raining. Why is Tom Cruise still in the closet? All the important questions.

This is the fearless leader who brought to Broncos football the likes of Ashley Lelie (with a No. 1 draft pick, no less), the re-birth of Jake "The Snake" Plummer, the re-birth of Ron Dayne, the 23-3 Christmas Eve debacle loss to the San Diego Chargers where Denver worked from a 1953 NY Giants playbook, and trying to resurrect a gimpy and worn out Terrell Davis to breathe life into his corpse of a running game.

Let us not forget bravely putting forth the Broncos message of a roster filled with players a community can be proud of by adding Travis Henry to the team. Nine children with nine different women and running out on almost every single one of them when it came to child support.

One would hope Travis Henry has since learned to keep a certain body part neatly tucked away. The same body part that has for several years now been a nickname for his Head Coach.

    #2 OAKLAND RAIDERS

Allow me to preface this by noting I have indeed been to many a home game in Oakland and survived to tell the tale. This was done without the need for a flak jacket, pistoleros at my side, or having sacrificed a goat in the parking lot then covering my body in it's blood so as to not be scented as an interloper.

One would have to be a fool to even for a nano-second question the loyalty of Raiders fans, certainly among the most zealous and rabid in the NFL. Certainly there are those who only watch with envy at their passion, then suggest those fans are indeed rabid for having missed their yearly inoculations. These would be the puny souls of those who would never dare enter the Raiders lair for fear of being eviscerated at halftime. 

And I do hear you Denver fans out there bellowing this would never happen because no one in Oakland could possibly understand the meaning of the word nor be able to spell "eviscerate". See No. 3 above.

Certainly the Raiders are not nearly as far removed from a title as the Broncos or the No. 1 team in this troika. They were actually in a Super Bowl a mere six years ago! Of course, that's as far as the grinning goes for a team that played like a band of high schoolers against Tampa Bay. A pathetic performance.

But dig deeper and you will find the Raiders are more than deserving of this dysfunctional tag.

19 wins in the last five seasons. Preceded by three seasons winning the AFC West and going to the playoffs. Precede that by six seasons where they finished last in the division four times.

Playoffs in '93. Dead last in division '92. Playoffs the two years before that. Dead last in division again 2 of the preceding four years and no playoffs. Anyone got that bottle of Dramamine handy?

Raiders? "Argh matey" and all that? Dastardly doings on the high seas? They would be better named the Oakland Regans in honor not of Ronny, but of the character played by Linda Blair in "The Exorcist". I'm shocked not to have seen more whiplash lawyers bringing personal damage cases to court against the Raiders. 

The Raiders have and will remain the laughing stock of the NFL (yes, more so than the Houston Texans) until someone pries Al Davis out of the chair and places someone living and breathing in charge of this franchise.

Unfortunately this won't happen until someone actually uncovers the Raiders real secret. Davis expired back in 1993 but no one in the organization has the stones to tell him.

Bad coaching decisions, deplorable drafting, overspending on useless free agents that couldn't get a tryout in the AFL, and an owner who is the original Dracula. Rising from the ethereal mists every year to once again try to prove he is a viable member of this fraternity and has a handle on how to run an NFL franchise into the 1990's and beyond.

What's more dysfunctional than a franchise with a fan base that wears brass knuckles and tattoos represented by a man who wears granny glasses and the last surviving "Members Only" jacket?

#1 MIAMI DOLPHINS

The 2007 season. Do we really need to say any more? 

Of course we do, because there's more fodder for failure here than in a movie script with Britney Spears and Freddie Prinze Jr. as the stars.

Let's begin with the purchase of this franchise by H. Wayne Huizenga, who made his money in the garbage industry and then proceeded to bring that very same expertise to owning a football franchise.

Don Shula was indeed at the end of a brilliant coaching career, but was publicly insulted and mocked by Huizenga in being pushed out. Perhaps he would have made another run at the Super Bowl, perhaps not. But in bouncing Shula with phony corporate smiles all around, Huizenga initiated an era of high expectations and low class to a franchise long a standard of pride in the NFL.

Jimmy Johnson brought his perfect hair and less than perfect reputation to Miami and thus began the downward slide. JJ was yet another boisterous egomaniac who thought he could do no wrong, yet his tenure is littered with the usual poor draft choices and questionable personnel moves.

Johnson's whiny 24 hour "resignation" due to burnout was nothing more than a ploy to insure his valet, Dave Wannstedt, would become the Dolphins next head coach. Using his long winded sports ownership experience, Huizenga fell of it hook, line, and trawling net. The man who single-handedly plowed the Chicago Bears franchise into the ground was rewarded with an even bigger job and contract. The nightmare deepened.

To start from that moment forward and attempt to detail the dysfunctionality of this franchise would take years and cost millions of lives. And whether a fan of the Dolphins or not, it's too painful to recount. Or too hysterical, take your choice.

However, feeling a need to dish out just a small measure of that pain, a few moments to ruminate on. 

Jay Fiedler—the heir to Dan Marino. Ricky Williams and the never ending search for nirvana, paradise, and the all night cheeseburger. Ray Lucas—another heir apparent. Brian Griese scraping the very exterior of the bottom of the QB barrel. Randy McMichael's domestic violence arrest. David Boston tests positive for steroids. Jim Bates takes over for Wannstedt, beats the Patriots in a national game and is still cast aside. Nick Saban makes Miami just one more stop on his world tour seeking those who wish to worship at him as if some golden calf. Saban steals away in the night after repeatedly and in bald-face fashion lying to everyone. Cam Cameron lasts as Head Coach long enough to learn where the nearest gas station to the practice facility is. 

The arrival of Bill Parcells. Hope springs eternal. Jake Long signed and in the fold. Fans are even thinking of selling their head-bags.

So for all three franchises, a new opportunity to escape this version of the three Ring Circus.

Though I wouldn't be surprised if at least one of them hires a new fat lady and dog-faced boy come this time next year.

    More commentary on the NFL Draft and all sports from national and regional sports reporters @ www.speedingbulletnetwork.com