Dear San Francisco Giants Management et al.,
As one of the most devoted Giants’ fans you will ever come across, I feel obligated to try and help the team win in anyway possible.
While I will admit that I do not have 50 homers and a .320 batting average in me, I can help the team’s finances.
How you may be wondering? By signing me to pitch in the rotation.
You see, I pitched at the Division I college level for Penn State. I stand 6-foot-4 and weigh 190 pounds. I have a fastball, knuckle curve, change up, and splitter.
Penn State pretty much red-shirted me because their radar guns had my fastball between 84-86 mph, which is fairly average.
Then I watched Barry Zito’s last start against the D-backs in which he often hit 82 mph. You know the one where he gave up a two RBI hit to Brandon Webb, the owner of a .086 batting average last season.
I was just thinking that Zito and I have a lot of similarities. For instance, we both have a tendency to hang our curveballs up in the zone. Our changeups are pretty good but not great. We are both similar in size as Zito is also 6-foot-4 but weighs about ten pounds more. However, I do throw harder, and there is no way I could possibly walk as many batters.
Now you are probably wondering how I could benefit the team’s finances. Well, Zito is making $14.5 million this season, which is set to escalate over the next few years.
I, on the other hand, am graduating from college soon, so a job that pays about $80,000 a year sounds great. I will leave it up to your legal staff to find a loophole that would allow you to void his contract. Don’t even pretend you have not already looked.
However, you may still not be entirely convinced. The world of sports is often ruled by a “what have you done for me lately” attitude.
To respond to that, I am a pitcher for the University of Miami club baseball team (club being the key word).
For my last start, I went five innings, five strikeouts, two walks, and four earned runs. I took the loss against Florida State.
But I have an explanation. Our team was out hitting the bars until 5 a.m. for a 10 a.m. game. My entire infield was basically trying not to throw up. Imagine what I could have done with a breakfast that did not consist of “hair of the dog” and a pro level defense.
Did I mention that I pitched in a park with fences 300 feet deep all the way around? Cavernous AT&T may not present enough of a challenge for me.
My number has always been 27, but I realize that it is retired due to Juan Marichal. That’s fine. Since you guys do not seem to care all that much about the last guy who wore 25, I’ll settle for that number.
I leave it to you. You can choose $14.5 million for a 29-year-old whose fastball is slowing down or $80,000 for a 22-year-old who, and I quote, “…is entering the prime of his life.”
Furthermore, my name did not appear in the Mitchell Report, but imagine what I could do if I dabbled a bit.
Your next fifth starter,
Michael North
PS. I hit over .450 in high school, so Dave Roberts’ .118 batting average could also be “fixed.”
PPS. The Pirates have submitted a bid for $90,000 after Matt Morris topped out at 83 mph, but the Giants are my team so I will maintain my hometown discount of $80,000 per year.
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5 months ago
Brilliant! The offers should soon be rolling in.
5 months ago
My God...he's gonna be the most expensive middle relieve in MLB History...
5 months ago
Great article, I'm pulling for you Michael. I'll be at the game tonight, so I'll try to put a good word in with Sabes and P-Mags.
5 months ago
Firstly, my congratulations on one of the best articles I've ever had the pleasure to read in sports journalism. Zito has been a bust from game one, and I can only hope this article finds its way to Giants' management-the sooner the better. Best of luck on getting hired :p
5 months ago
Hey, I had an ERA of 3.08 in a Mizzou club intramural league this fall. I throw a roundhouse and a 12-6 curveball, a changeup that frequently hits the backstop, and a fastball that touches 75 with a 40-mph wind blowing behind me. Did I mention I'm a lefty? Sign me up, too!
from 5 months ago
Well you're a lefty so it shouldn't be too hard to get signed...
5 months ago
Just like Dave, I'll be at the game tonight. I'm thinking about making signs to support your cause. Maybe I'll throw a Playstation Retro Giants Cap their way to sweeten the deal.
Great article!
5 months ago
Mike, take a look at my Bio and put in a good word for me when you get there Mike.
BARRY ZITO AINT GOT SH*T ON ME!!!
from 5 months ago
You have a point, BigReg. If Jones can make it, I think you have a shot.
5 months ago
If I ran the Giants, you'd be hired. And Zito would not be sent to the pen, he'd be on his way to Fresno where he belongs.
5 months ago
I'll throw down 5 and take a middle infielder from your club team to take Durham or Aurilla's spot.
5 months ago
Thanks everybody for the comments/interest/compliments! Zito may stink it up, but the other starters are amazing. If we win 4 out of 5 from here on out by giving up no runs, the playoffs are a real possibility...
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