Winning Olympic medals is cool, but taking home the Twitter gold is forever. Kind of.
With less than a week to go before the closing ceremonies at Sochi, we're doling out medals for the best tweets we've seen from Olympians at the 2014 Winter Games. The nation garnering the most medals will receive the coveted and utterly meaningless distinction of being "Twitter World Champs. "
The contest is ongoing, and medals will be awarded as more tweets surface. Feel free to enter your "best tweet" candidates for consideration in the comment section below or hit me up on Twitter.
Rest assured, the most humorous, entertaining and/or ridiculous candidates will be rewarded handsomely.
With that said, let the games begin!
Canadian Bobsledder is Too Much Man
Christopher Spring is a man.
He’s a man just like the men who built the Eiffel Tower out of steel and brawn. He’s untamable—like a cowlick or a manticore—and, as such, he will not conform his body to your ideal dimensions of beauty or bobsledding suits.
The Canadian bobsledder recently took his rebellion against the status quo to Twitter, sending a picture of his stomach exploding out of the team’s new racing suit. His tweet has since been deleted, but it read:
I tried on my race suit ahead of tomorrow's 2man Olympic race and its a little...er tight. #powerbelly
If pregnancy is the height of true feminine beauty, Spring’s #powerbelly is the pinnacle of masculinity.
Alex Shibutani is an ice dancer, meaning he’s pretty quick on his toes.
The American skater used quick thinking and quicker reflexes to properly toast U.S. bobsledder Lolo Jones after she emerged from quarantine in the Olympic Village.
To be clear, “same team” doesn’t apply in the Twitter Olympics. Trolls gotta troll, and dumping on athletes from your own nation is allowed, if not vehemently encouraged.
You can whine about your bad luck, or you can go full Johnny Quinn and destroy life's obstacles via brute force.
For the uninitiated, Johnny Quinn is an American bobsledder who hasn’t had a particularly blessed experience in Sochi. To date, he’s managed to become trapped in both a hotel bathroom and an elevator, the former of which he escaped by battering a giant hole in the door.
Thus “#Quinning” was born (h/t Liz Field of ABC News)—a trending hashtag where Twitter users post pictures of items they’ve destroyed while struggling to make them function.
If there’s one thing the Mighty Quinn has taught us, it’s that when life closes one door, you say “Forget this door,” and break it down with your clavicle.
Wu-Tang is for the Sweden
Swedish skier Henrik Harlaut made Olympic history by giving a shout-out to the Wu-Tang Clan prior to his run down the Sochi slopestyle course.
Harlaut reminded the world that “Wu-Tang is for the children,” and followed it up by nearly losing his pants.
The dreadlocked hero later reiterated his message on Twitter.
Wu-Tang is for the Children! INSPIRED! http://t.co/ZmdLxH37Rm— Henrik Harlaut (@HenrikHarlaut) February 14, 2014
Naturally, Method Man responded to Harlaut with a message of respect, as game tends to recognize game.
@HenrikHarlaut salute to u sir.. Wutang 4ever👐👐👐— methodman (@methodman) February 16, 2014
The Henrik Maneuver
A paragon of style, Henrik Lundqvist knows that being squired about town on the back of a Russian beach cruiser is the height of Sochi fashion.
The Swedish goalkeeper recently indulged in this luxurious form of transportation with a little help from teammate Marcus Johansson. The two were spotted cruising the streets of Sochi on a bicycle barely built for one.
It’s a bit eccentric, but these are the privileges afforded to men like Lundqvist, as Sweden’s hockey team weighs handsomeness and tenure when deciding pecking order.
Aimee Fuller, Inverted
The BBC offered British snowboarder Aimee Fuller a chance to step into the booth and provide some commentary for a portion of the slopestyle event.
Naturally, she crushed the broadcast and followed it up by becoming the only Olympian to go fully inverted in the booth in Sochi.
Norwegian Alpine skier Lotte Sejersted took her selfie game to the next level by getting in good with members of the local Russian authorities.
Unlike their cousins in the British Queen’s Guard, Russian police are allowed to smile while wearing their Labradoodle fur hats.
Putin in Work
American luger Chris Mazder deserves a round of applause for managing to snap a selfie with Russian President Vladimir Putin in the background.
He’s not too close to Putin, but then again, any nearer and Mazder would be sleeping with the Tauntauns in a Siberian prison.
You don’t have to be super creative to medal in the Twitter Olympics, you just have to capitalize on your opportunities.
This is exactly what Kirsten Moore-Towers did when she spotted Slovakian giant/Boston Bruins defenseman Zdeno Chara walking around Sochi in his enormous body.
Ran into Zdeno Chara today. Couldn't resist taking a picture :) pic.twitter.com/sYNOIbrWLn— Kirsten Moore-Towers (@Kirsten_MT) February 7, 2014
Noticing their ridiculous height disparity, the 4’11” Canadian pair skater decided to take a picture with the 6’9” giant. For what it's worth, Chara has become the “most photographed man in Sochi,” per Alyssa Toomey of E! Online. These Winter Olympians just can't get enough of the Zdeno.
Sage Kotsenburg is a bro and, as such, he will do bro things.
The American snowboarder invents words, wins gold and throws game at the ladies constantly, the latter of which he’s been perfecting over social media.
Kotsenburg's most notable pursuit (outside of gold) has been for the affections of Norwegian snowboarder Silje Norendal. After seeing Nordendal tweet out a picture of roses and chocolates on Valentine’s Day, Kotsenburg slid in and took credit for the gift.
Smooth? Maybe not, but it worked.
@sagekotsenburg Hahaha!!! Happy Valentines day to you too ;)— Silje Norendal (@SiljeNorendal) February 14, 2014
Medal Count: Gold Silver Bronze
USA 1 1 2
Canada 1 1 0
Sweden 1 1 0
UK 0 1 0
Norway 0 0 1
Predictably, the United States has jumped out to an early lead, but there's plenty of meat left on this bone. Canada is waiting in the wings, and Sweden is making a strong, dark-horse bid for best tweets with its beautiful people and eclectic appreciation of '90s gangster rap.
Like I said, leave your medal candidates in the comments or send them to me via Twitter, and they could end up on here. May the most pithy and humorous nation win.*
*Granted, this contest is skewed in favor of nations with English-speaking athletes, as my Japanese and Russian reading comprehension is nonexistent at best. Regardless, we shall do our best to translate/transmogrify any and all humorous Olympian tweets.
Swedish snowboarders ain't nothing to muck with.