Little Horses and Chihuahuas: Every Premier League Team as an Animal

BR-UK StaffFeatured Columnist IVFebruary 14, 2014

Little Horses and Chihuahuas: Every Premier League Team as an Animal

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    Ian Walton/Getty Images

    Jose Mourinho has sparked an animal phenomenon recently, after famously commenting that his Chelsea team are "little horses" in this year's Premier League title race.

    Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers soon got in the act, making the (somewhat bizarre) assertion that, if Chelsea are little horses than his side are "chihuahuas."

    That got us to thinking. Click on to discover every Premier League club's animal equivalent (sort of)...

Arsenal: A Hare

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    They start quickly and look on course to win the race, but somewhere along the line they get slightly complacent, forget to buy a back-up striker and find themselves overhauled by better prepared competitors.

Aston Villa: A Camel

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    They’re not particularly interesting to watch, and their manager always seems to have the hump, but they seem surprisingly well equipped to survive in a testing environment.

Cardiff: A Hyena

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    They have desperately picked at the unwanted parts of other top English clubs in a bid to ensure their own survival. Whether it works or not remains to be seen.

Chelsea: A Little Horse

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    Of course, it goes without saying that Chelsea are simply a little horse, requiring of lots of milk if they are to get to where they hope to be.

    Of course, they are guided by a masterful jockey, which helps. Maybe it will turn out to be a remarkable bit of misdirection and it transpires they were a lion in little horse's clothing all along.

Crystal Palace: A Chicken

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    If only because we can only assume that is the look Marouane Chamakh is going for with the bizarre haircut he seems ridiculously devoted to.

    They may be called ‘The Eagles,’ but they have never previously soared in the Premier League. Could that change with Tony Pulis running the coup?

Everton: A Chipmunk

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    They are small and likeable, but retain a certain threat in attack.

Fulham: A Giraffe

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    Matt Dunham/Associated Press

    If all you do all day is challenge them in the air then they’ll deal with it relatively comfortably, but against anything else they’re often a bit ungainly and generally useless.

Hull City: Definitely Not a Tiger

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    I mean, they are the Tigers, but they are not the Tigers. At least, as long as the fans get their way.

    If that makes sense.

Liverpool: A Cat

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    They generally play the game the right way and are certainly entertaining to watch, but they’re not afraid to take a bite out of you if they get a bit frustrated.

Manchester City: A Bull

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    Jon Super/Associated Press

    Put them in a ring they are familiar with and they will absolutely eviscerate any lesser opponent put up against them. Unless, of course, that opponent is a matador named Mourinho—in which case they end up getting staked in the back.

Manchester United: A Crocodile

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    Alastair Grant/Associated Press

    They used to strike fear into the heart of everyone who came across them—particularly Captain Hook—but in recent times they’ve found themselves on the receiving end of beatings from everyone from a cat to Adam Sandler.

Newcastle United: A Groundhog

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    Scott Heppell/Associated Press

    Because they seem to be repeating the same cycle of (fleeting) success and then embarrassing failure. On a related note, they often seem to go missing for large parts of the season.

Norwich City: A Canary

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    Mike Hewitt/Getty Images

    They remain the yardstick for the rest of the league. If you finish below them at the end of the season, you’re almost certainly getting relegated. And they might well be going down with you.

Southampton: A Panda

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    Everyone finds them pretty cute and cuddly at the moment, but some are already wondering just how long they can continue to survive and thrive in the modern football environment.

Stoke City: A Hippopotamus

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    Rui Vieira/Associated Press

    For a number of years, they became known for lacking a certain amount of finesse—effective in what they did, but generally physical rather than technical. They were especially fearsome in their home environment, where rival animals traditionally tended to face a sorry demise.

    Under new management that has not completely changed, although they might have improved slightly.

Sunderland: A Chameleon

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    They’ve changed their appearance a number of times already this season, but it remains to be seen whether or not they can survive in the top flight for another season.

Swansea: A Rhinoceros

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    Paul Thomas/Getty Images

    Pretty much just so we could shoe-horn an awkward pun about them being very Bony up top.

    Geddit? Yeah?! Yeah?!?!

Tottenham: A Gorilla

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    Not so good when Andre Villas-Boas was trying to teach them the essential works of Proust, but much better now Tim Sherwood has allowed them to cut loose a bit and do what they are best at—overwhelming opponents with pace and power.

West Brom: A Squirrel

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    They look pretty weak and pathetic but, when pushed into a corner, they have shown a remarkable ability to survive.

West Ham: A Cow

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    Sang Tan/Associated Press

    They are devoured with great relish by most of the bigger predators in the jungle (yes, cows aren't often found in the jungle...whatever), but their bulk and uncompromising approach allows them to keep their head above water most of the time against lesser rivals.