Laker Fans: Oh, no you didn’t.
Me: Oh, yes I did.
I know you’re thinking that “The Black Mamba” is a perfect name for Kobe. The black mamba (which oddly isn’t black) is one of the most feared snakes in the world. It’s second biggest venomous snake and is the fastest land snake in the world.
Like all snakes, it’s a cold-blooded creature and has venom that can kill you within 15 minutes to three hours. It even has one of the highest volumes of strikes among snakes, as it is able to attack up to 12 times in a row. All very Kobe-like, right?
The lameness isn’t in the comparisons to the snake—it comes from the all the other outlets that have used the term black mamba as a nickname.
Kobe must have peeked into Shaq’s playbook because this is a self-named nickname. The black mamba is also the name of one of Michael Jordan’s shoes that was released in 2004, the Air Jordan XIX.
If Kobe is still claiming he’s not trying to be Michael Jordan, this is not a good nickname to help that claim.
The black mamba is also a general expression for a female self-pleasing instrument. I think you know what I mean people. Don’t make me say it.
Black mamba is also synonymous with things such as a female marvel comic villain, a strand of cannabis, a sock puppet, and a rock band.
If you put it all together that means Kobe is a volume shooting, self-acclaimed Jordan wannabe, drug-using puppet villain and is a d**k…but he still rocks.