Welcome to The Onion Bag, your primary source of weird and wonderful football news.
Today, we kick off with some social media banter between two of the biggest stars in the game. As per The Mirror, Zlatan went to the trouble of getting his friend Cristiano a birthday gift. Awww.
Next up, we head to Bologna where they're so busy trying to avoid relegation from Serie A that they completely forgot to pick up one of their new signings from the airport.
Finally, Newcastle Utd continue to excel at being terrible with public relations by suspending a grandmother's season ticket for missing one game, as per The Newcastle Chronicle.
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