Athletes Who Are Terrible Singers
When the music is loud and the shower is on, you sound like Freddy Mercury.
You can hit every single note on "Bohemian Rhapsody" and finish up "Girl On Fire" before you're done conditioning.
Everyone thinks they can sing until they get on a microphone and realize they can't—but that's the beauty of song. You nut up, give it a whirl and pray you don't deeply disrespect a great artist who put their life's blood into the string of syllables tumbling out of your stricken face.
With that said, the following are a number of athletes who tried to sing and failed. They're not bad people, per se. It's just that their singing voices could be used to blast a dictator out of hiding. And that's okay. Kind of.
Chris Bosh Is Unsual
It's not unusual to waterboard yourself with hot oil after listening to Chris Bosh sing karaoke.
That said, anything goes at Battioke—Shane Battier's annual karaoke night raising money for children in need.
According to Matt Dollinger of Sports Illustrated, Bosh went for broke on Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual" and ended up putting the audience through a sonic holocaust of broken falsettos and garbled vowels. But he did it for the kids.
Tony Allen Wants to Rock You
Rocking with Tony Allen is a service to the community, but it's not an easy one.
The Memphis Grizzlies shooting guard hosted a karaoke night in 2013 to raise money for at-risk youths and the result was an evening of missed tunes and lyrical butchery.
Allen tried to get down to Michael Jackson's "Rock With You," but strangled the melody beyond recognition. He also attempted to sing Montel Jordan's "This Is How We Do It," but sources report he still managed to come whack on an old school track.
Shaquille O'Neal Rap Attacks Kobe
Caution: This song contains naughty, NSFW language.
This is Shaq. He is not good at rapping.
The former Lakers center tried to lay down lines dissing Kobe in this song, but had zero flow and struggled to keep his lines rolling. Maybe next time.
Jay Cutler Tries to Take Us Out to the Ball Game
Jay Cutty tried his best, but fell flat on his face while attempting to deliver a rousing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" rendition at a Chicago Cubs game in 2013.
Next time perhaps he'll make some attempts at inflection or melody, but probably not.
Chris Copeland Ruins Jason Kidd's Birthday
Chris Copeland tried to sing "Happy Birthday" to Jason Kidd, but struggled mightily even with the aid of arena sound effects.
Perhaps he's a bit shy when it comes to public speaking, or maybe he feels awkward singing birthday songs to a man 11 years his senior. Maybe it's both.
Ovi Does 'Jingle Bells'
Click here for the video.
Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals put together something extra special for Caps fans this past holiday season by releasing a hockey rendition of "Jingle Bells."
Each player grabbed an instrument and began "playing," with Ovechkin taking lead on vocals. The only problem with that, however, was the captain's knowledge of the song.
Coincidentally, "jingle bells" were the only words Ovechkin knew out of the entire tune. Granted, he sang the heck out of those two words.
Aleksandar Kolarov 'Sings' for the Holidays
Manchester City defender Aleksandar Kolarov showed his joy for the holiday season by belting out a rollicking rendition of "Jingle Bells" in 2012.
Bear in mind that in his native Serbia, repeating words in a monotone voice counts as opera. So he's practically a virtuoso.
Julius Randle Sings Usher
Julius Randle is a special talent on the basketball court, but should probably leave the crooning to the professionals.
The Kentucky freshman put forth his best Usher impersonation while hanging out in his dorm room last July, but did more to destroy his own vocal cords than impress any potential record execs. Fortunately, the potential first-round draft pick won't have to worry about singing to pay his bills any time soon.
Dirk Nowitzki: Zero Satisfaction
Hey, look! Two Germans driving down the street and singing Rolling Stones songs!
The citizens of Dallas likely had no idea what hit them when they saw Dirk Nowitzki and German artist DJ Flula cruising their city streets and screeching the words to "Satisfaction."
It's times like this when you just lock the doors, board the windows and pray you didn't miss a news report about some kind of land invasion.
DeAngelo Williams Gets in the Holiday Mood
DeAngelo Williams—such a great guy. I'm glad the Panthers kept him around.
The Carolina Panthers running back isn't exactly tone deaf, but he wouldn't be my first-round draft pick for a caroling squad.
I'd probably pick gramps on the right here. He looks like someone who could make some real holiday magic after a few quarts of egg nog.
Remember that time Pau Gasol sang The Fray?
Chances are you do, because the moment he began you woke up and found your body floating six inches above your bed. Yes, Gasol's voice made magic a real thing in our world for a single shining minute.
Of all the bad singers on this list, Gasol deserves the biggest golf clap for effort and delivery. He doesn't have a great voice—and he's singing in his second language, no less—but God did he own that song.
Colt McCoy Sings with Brad Paisley
During his stint with Cleveland Browns, former Texas Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy stepped onstage at a Brad Paisley concert and was coerced into singing a tune.
He managed to get a few words out about bow ties and tackle boxes before the country singer took the reins and bailed him out. Maybe next time, cowboy.
Charles Barkley Sings Boys II Men
Alcohol is a horrible trickster.
It tells you that you can do things like jump high fences and acquire phone digits at will. It also whispers four fatal words into your tone deaf ears: "Go ahead. Sing it."
Charles Barkley appeared to have fallen for alcohol's oldest trick when he decided to try singing Boyz II Men's "End of the Road" at a Philadelphia bar. Fortunately, members of Boyz II Men were on hand and took over the proceedings before too many ear drums were lost.
Shane Battier Destroys the 'Love Boat' Theme Song
Set a course for a bucket of fire to pour inside your face.
You'll need something flammable and hazardous to burn away the pain once you've heard Shane Battier's singing voice. He does it for a great cause, but unless you're really into bad karaoke or the Miami Heat, you're better off writing a check to Battier's Take Charge Foundation.
Battioke is not an event for the meek or tone-conscious.
Alan Shearer Attempts Some Lionel Richie
While entertaining some friends at a party in 2013, former Newcastle United striker went old school on the mic and attempted to sing Lionel Richie's "All Night Long."
The audio is a bit scratchy, and for that we must be thankful. Judging by the parts that come through clear, Shearer barely had enough soul to make it to the chorus. This your brain on karaoke, my friends.
My karaoke rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody cannot be matched or defeated.