If parades are on the list of the first five things you would abolish if you became president (like me), are a fan of the Denver Broncos or are just totally indifferent to the Seattle Seahawks, thank you for your click and goodbye.
Actually, as a matter of fact, why did you click in the first place? This headline very clearly says Seahawks Super Bowl parade information will follow, and you chose to masochistically click anyway.
Stay away from your laptop, Peyton Manning! You're only hurting yourself.
Now that Peyton has left the building, I guess we can move on. Parade stuffs will be happening in Seattle on Wednesday, when the city and its team will commemorate the biggest can of whoop-(expletive) opened on the Super Bowl stage in nearly two decades.
What the Seahawks' 43-8 victory over the Broncos lacked in entertainment value—unless you, like I, love some #ManningFace—it made up for in pure, unadulterated dominance.
From start to finish, there was no question who was the best team in football. Seattle's secondary shut down the highest-scoring offense in NFL history, hitting receivers hard over the middle, flustering Peyton Manning and making things easy on an offense that was merely tasked with managing the game.
Now, everyone gets to celebrate. Things will happen. Pete Carroll will probably dance. Or be super-positive about something bad that happens. Macklemore will probably be there because there ain't no party like a Macklemore party 'cause a Macklemore party ends with Macklemore being your designated driver and refusing your gas money.
Anyway, wanna avoid work and stream this nonsense while looking over your shoulder to make sure your boss isn't coming? Here you go.
When: Wednesday, Feb. 5
Time: 2 p.m. ET (11 a.m. PT)
Watch: KIRO Channel 7
Streaming: Live on the KIRO website
Hey folks, me again. Your parade conductor here. Obviously, since you've reached this point in our journey, you plan on watching the parade in its entirety and would like more information about what to expect.
Luckily, I am here to tell you that there will be much fun to be had in the city of Seattle on Wednesday afternoon.
If you haven't already, call off work. Tell your boss you have a 24-hour version of a medieval disease that has been vaccinated for centuries now—he won't think to Wikipedia it or anything. He's like 50, bro. Do they even Internet?
For those familiar with the city of Seattle, the parade is expected to last for two-and-a-half hours. The path is a two-mile stretch from Denny Way all the way to CenturyLink Field, where the typical crazy celebration of happiness and confetti and guarantees of repeats will happen.
KIRO Radio Traffic's Twitter feed had a nice graphic outlining the route:
Seems like a relatively straightforward trek. Here's to hoping that no one nearly gets impaled the way LeBron James quite nearly did during the Miami Heat's victory parade this summer. Hard to get all happy and such for Macklemore's inevitable performance when recovering from a knock to the noggin.
Assuming and hoping that everyone makes it through safely, roughly eleventy billion people will be on hand to celebrate. OK, about 500,000, per Jennifer Sullivan of The Seattle Times. Considering the population of Seattle is barely more than 600,000, I'd say a considerable amount of people are excited for this event.
When the massive parade floats finally make their way to CenturyLink is when all the fun will start. Because of the weather, it seems unlikely that Russell Wilson and Co. will be able to shoot off squirt guns the way the Heat were able to, so any fun, headline-creating antics will have to wait until all the waving commences.
Once the team hits CenturyLink Field, there are a few things we as a sports fandom should hope for.
Anything involving a Pete Carroll dance number. Anything involving Richard Sherman and the word "mediocre." Actually, Sherman should just come to the event wearing a Michael Crabtree jersey. That would be just excellent.
And, most of all, that Macklemore shows up wearing a cutoff leather jacket and white t-shirt, fulfilling his destiny as the real-life Roger Klotz.
All jokes aside, though, this is a long time coming for the city of Seattle. The only professional sports franchise to ever win a title was unceremoniously ripped away from residents, to the point where any mention of Kevin Durant or Russell Westbrook causes an instant recoil.
All 500,000 of them deserve to celebrate, and the other 100,000-plus should be there, too.
The Seattle Seahawks were the 2013 season's best football team. Their defense, nearly immortal. Now it's time to remind us that we're all human by dancing poorly to bubblegum rap music.
Follow Tyler Conway on Twitter: