Are you ready for the Big Game? The one between the two teams in the Football League? You know, the one with Good Quarterback trying to beat Other Good Quarterback?
Well, then you're probably someone who is a lot more invested in the commercials than what happens between the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos on Super Bowl Sunday. Because of copyright law and the NFL's exclusive rights deals with certain brands, advertising companies have found new and amusing ways to get around that while still acknowledging they're making a Super Bowl commercial.
It's all as crazy as it sounds, but really, who can blame them? Fox is raking in upward of $4 million for a 30 second ad, according to CNN's Steve Almasy. We're all smart people. We know what "Big Game" means. So if that means saving a few (hundred thousand) dollars by avoiding paying licensing costs, go for it.
Of course, it helps that none of these commercials are actually special to the Super Bowl. Some will be debuted on Super Sunday, but all will have lives beyond the game. Today's awesome commercial is May's "Oh dear God, will they switch it up already?"
No, no they will not. At least not until the next time they can throw all the money at a famous commercial.
Heck, in an attempt to get ahead of the curve, some companies have even eschewed the surprise altogether and released their commercials early. Along with the essential info for Super Bowl XLVIII between the Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks, here's a look at some of the best spots, with one massive SPOILER ALERT attached to our foreheads.
Where: MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, N.J.
When: Sunday, Feb. 2
Kickoff Time: 6:30 p.m. ET
Live Stream: Fox Sports Go
Spread: Denver -3, via Bovada
Dannon Hits Us With the Full House Redux
Danny Tanner? Check. Uncle Jesse? Check. Uncle Joey? Check (-it-out?). Michelle, D.J., Stephanie and Aunt Becky? Nope.
Children of the '90s hoping for a full-scale Full House reunion will be disappointed. But with the three prominent male characters from the ABC family classic in a room again, still living together and eating Dannon yogurt? That's still pretty, prettttay, pretttttttay good.
Now, this ad leaves more questions than answers. First and foremost being, who in the blue hell is that lady and what did she do with our beloved Aunt Becky? We all know Lori Loughlin hasn't lost a step all these years later. What gives?
Odds are, unless we get a sequel, that question and many more will go unanswered. I'm just wondering how many takes it took for Bob Saget to not drop an F-bomb.
Budweiser Hits Us Right in the Feels, Man
This isn't fair. Nope. Not fair at all. You cannot bribe us into still liking the tired Clydesdale hook by adding puppies, Dr. Budweiser (I'm assuming you're a doctor because your product is delicious). You can't make us!
OK, you totally can. Seeing the friendship budding between baby Lassie and that gigantic horse is going to cause all of our great aunts to shed tears into the buffalo chicken dip and ruin the party.
Oh, that's me crying? Sorry. I'll excuse myself. (Continues sobbing)
More Feels from Coca-Cola
Apparently, the nation's most prominent ad agencies have decided that Super Bowl XLVIII is the Feelings Bowl. Not only do we get to see the love of a young puppy, but Coca-Cola here also introduces us to young Adrian, who I was disappointed was not a precursor to Adrian Peterson popping up.
Young Adrian is a running back, and seemingly a pretty good one. He's probably seen Forrest Gump once or six times as well. In the spot embedded above, Adrian Gumps his way home after scoring a touchdown and begins a new national campaign from the soda giant.
This ad is also tied to a good cause. With 10,000 shares—mere pittance for a Super Sunday commercial—Coca-Cola will donate $50,000 to the Boys and Girls Club of America. You can get all snarky and say that $50,000 is nothing but a drop in the bucket to a multibillion-dollar company, but let's save the jadedness for discussing "legacies" of people we don't even know.
Coke is being nice, and its ad actually has something to do with football. Kudos.
Aaaand More Dogs from Audi
Luckily, the folks at Audi are not trying to break your heart or make you reminiscent of youth football or hit you anywhere in the feely parts. Nope. Not Audi. It's here to satiate our desires to have dogs in everything but also to make us go into horrified chuckling convulsions with the invention of the Doberhuahua.
I know what you're thinking. And, yes, a Doberhuahua is exactly what you think: a crossbreed between a Doberman and a Chihuahua—also known as perhaps the scariest big dog on the planet crossed with perhaps the scariest (and most annoying) small dog on the planet. Audi set out to create a horrifying Dogzilla and succeeded.
Of course, Audi knows it has created a monster. A terrorizing, horrible monster.
Doberhuahua is not your friend. It is your enemy bent on world destruction. It will take over your home, steal your wife, slash the tires on your car and growl at you every time you try changing the channel from Animal Planet. It is not your pet; you now go to the bathroom outside and get hit with a newspaper when you have wronged Doberhuahua.
I love it. I hate it. I am deathly afraid of a world in which we are all ruled by it. If you have disposable income and are in the market for a moderately priced luxury car, please buy an Audi and save us from Doberhuahua.
Terry Crews? The Muppets? OK, You've Got Me Listening, Toyota
I'm beginning to feel like the future of the entire auto industry is dependent upon how many cars we buy after the Super Bowl. As more cities begin developing and emphasizing public transit, worldwide car producers have very publicly struggled to stay afloat while trying to find new, innovative ways to attract consumers.
Spending millions of dollars on Super Bowl commercials might seem like a misappropriation of funds. But when you get Terry Crews and the Muppets together in the same minutelong spot, it all seems worth it.
Crews and the Muppets are two different kinds of nostalgia. Everyone knows the Muppets, one of the most iconic creations in American media that has undergone a national renaissance in recent years thanks to the success of The Muppets movie reboot.
Crews is a former NFL linebacker and defensive end turned successful actor. He's also better known as the dude who all of your sports-ignorant friends assume is merely an athlete calling in a favor when he shows up as a bit player in films. Crews is at this best when he's playing against type, and the horrified looks on his face alone as his Toyota gets hijacked are priceless.
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