Every Premier League Team's January Transfer Window as a Song

Ryan Bailey@ryanjaybaileyFeatured ColumnistFebruary 1, 2014

Every Premier League Team's January Transfer Window as a Song

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    Jon Super/Associated Press

    It's all over for another year!

    Jim White and his yellow-clad Sky Sports News crew have totalised their final Totaliser, the reporters have stopped standing outside in the rain with the proles and Premier League clubs have ceased all trading. We hope you had fun responsibly playing along with our Deadline Day Bingo game!

    Now as the dust settles, here is a song that sums up each club's trading activity in the window. Take a look, then leave your musical suggestions in the comments... 


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    "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore

    Arsene Wenger has been so busy complaining about the transfer window that he's forgotten to buy anyone again.  

    After getting dizzy spending a club record £42.5 million on Mesut Ozil in the summer, Le Professeur has returned to his thrifty ways, bringing in only a character from The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo on loan

Aston Villa

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    "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League

    Wes Hoolahan tried his best to engineer a move to Aston Villa in this window, even going to the extent of a foul-mouthed tirade against Norwich on TV. 

    According to Sky Sports, Aston Villa boss Paul Lambert had three offers turned down by Norwich for the Irishman. Why no fourth offer, Paul? Don't you want him, baby? 

Cardiff City

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    "Dr (Kenwyne) Jones" by Aqua

    Kenwyne Jones, Kenwyne Jones,

    Calling Kenwyne Jones! 

    Kenwyne Jones, Kenwyne Jones,

    Wake up now!

    The Bluebirds might have to sing this one the next time their new striker texts his lack of availability. 

    Also eligible for Cardiff is "Take on Me" by (Z)A-Ha!


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    "It's a kind of Matic" by Queen 

    Chelsea may have offloaded some unknown Spaniard named Juan Mata to a mid-table side and sent out a gaggle of stars on loan, but their biggest bit of business was bringing in Nemanja Matic from Benfica for £21.5 million. Despite the fact that they sold him to the Portuguese side in 2011.

    Don't you just love modern football? 

Crystal Palace

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    "Movin' on up" by Primal Scream

    Not so long ago, Crystal Palace looked certain to drop straight back into the Championship from which they came. However, since employing relegation escape specialist Tony Pulis, the Croydon side have put some distance between themselves and the drop zone.

    After looking like they would make no window signings, they ended up with plenty of deadline-day action, including the acquisition of Tom Ince from Blackpool, as reported by David Hytner in the Guardian. It looks like they could be movin' on up.  


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    "Johnny B. Goode" by Chuck Berry

    As Philippe Senderos left Fulham for Valencia, Johnny Heitinga stepped in on a free transfer

    The Dutch centre-back left on good terms, with Roberto Martinez giving his blessing to the move. Perhaps the Toffees manager even sang "Go, Johnny, Go!" as he departed.  


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    "What Do You Want From Me" by Monaco

    Obscure '90s Britpop alert!

    Of all the world-class strike options who could replace Radamel Falcao, Monaco have opted for Fulham's Dimitar Berbatov on loan, as reported by BBC Sport. The chap who has scored five goals in 19 games. Clearly, the French tax regulations and Financial Fair Play are taking their toll.


Hull City

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    "A Long December" by Counting Crows

    The Tigers technically brought in Shane Long in January, but this is close enough. 


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    "The One That Got Away" by Katy Perry

    Liverpool seriously threatened to do some January business by sending Ian Ayre out to Ukraine to bring back Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk's Yevhen Konoplyanka.

    Just as a deal was finalised with the player, his club failed to sign the paperwork in time, and it all fell throughKonoplianka is truly the one that got away.

    To paraphrase Glengarry Glen Ross, Coffee is for closers, Ian Ayre! 

Manchester City

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    "Nothing" by A

    Manchester City's anthem comes from an era when they were still a Championship side. 

    They've done nothing in the window, but did they really need to? They're already on course to score a zillion goals this season... 

Manchester United

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    "Nothing Else Matas" by Metallica 

    Manchester United have a lot in common with Metallica: they both go on overblown world tours, their respective games and songs used to last a lot longer than they should, and they're both basically American.

    Clearly, James Hetfield foresaw the arrival of a Spaniard who is going to instantly fix all of the Red Devils' problems. 

Newcastle United

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    "Cabaye My Lover" by James Blunt

    Cabaye my lover,

    Cabaye my friend.

    You have been the one

    Now you've gone to PSG

Norwich City

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    "My Name is Jonas (Gutierrez)" by Weezer

    Presumably, American rockers Weezer wrote "My Name is Jonas (Gutierrez)" in 1994 in anticipation of Norwich signing the Argentine winger on loan 20 years later. 


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    "Dani Says" by The Ramones

    Dani Says we gotta go,

    Gotta go to the Lady that's Old

    Where you can't punch teammates,

    When you play calcio... 


Stoke City

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    "The Kids Aren't Alright" by The Offspring

    Stoke had a relatively quiet January window, but as usual, the locals turned out in force to stand behind the befuddled Sky Sports News reporter outside the Britannia. 

    Once again, it seems like the kids aren't alright in Staffordshire.


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    "I'd do anything for love (But I won't sell Catt)" by Meatloaf

    Sunderland's primary red card collector, Lee Cattermole, looked like he was on the way to Stoke on deadline day, but something mysterious happened causing the deal to fall through. 

    It seems like the two red-and-white striped sides are going to fall out over this one. A bit like Meatloaf and his lover in this song. 

Swansea City

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    "Bargain" by The Who

    With signings like David Ngog and Marvin Emnes, Swansea appear to have been doing their shopping in the transfer equivalent of the Woolworths bargain bin.

    But hey, it worked with Michu, right?  

Tottenham Hotspur

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    "Enjoy the Silence" by Depeche Mode

    Despite losing a manager, Tottenham Hotspur kept quiet throughout the transfer window.

    But given that this club is desperate for some stability, Spurs fans should enjoy the silence this time around. 

West Bromwich Albion

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    "Nothing Ever Happens" by Del Amitri

    Nope, nothing to see here. 

West Ham United

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    "Not Enough" by Van Halen

    West Ham have brought in Antonio Nocerino, re-signed Carlton Cole and brought in various other players without spending a penny in this window, but recent form suggests this might not be enough to beat the drop. Cue Eddie Van Halen solo! 


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