Extreme Makeover: Sports Edition
No one expects a sports star to be a style pioneer, because they aren't paid to look good—they're paid to win.
But, considering how often they're on camera, it would be a favor to the discerning fan who can only tolerate dirt beards and misshapen khakis for so long.
If you think Patriots head coach Bill Belichick is going to stop wearing sweats just because someone finds the look to be offensive to the eye, then you obviously don't know the difference between Bill Belichick and Bill Clinton.
Despite the fact that most athletes (rightly) put "their look" somewhere near the bottom of their priorities, it doesn't stop our imaginations from transforming the mop top and weird hat to clean-cut and a sweet suit.
While we may never get a chance to give these guys an actual extreme makeover, there's no reason we can't speculate about what we'd do if given the chance.
Eli Manning, New York Giants
I'm not going to pick on Giants quarterback Eli Manning that much, because he—much like the rest of his family—seems like a very nice guy. And I appreciate that he's not the least bit interested in fashion.
That being said, he has looked exactly the same for a very long time. Part of it is probably that look he always has on his face, but a big part of it is that hair. It's time to channel Johnny Unitas instead of Joe Montana.
Ryan Lochte, Olympic Swimmer
It’s no secret that American Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte isn’t the most smartest. Aside from staring vacantly and looking confused, Lochte’s other non-swimming hobby is designing shoes. Designing really…ugly…shoes.
On his now-defunct reality show he said of his massive collection of horrible shoes, “These are the very first things that really brought me out in the fashion world. That’s what I started the Lochte shoe. They’re one of a kind. I love fashion.”
Those shoes are fashion like a tipped over garbage can is art.
Roger Federer, Tennis
Tennis great Roger Federer is a pretty good looking guy, but sometimes that’s lost under that awkward mop top. With the headband it kind of looks like one of those weird visors with the hair on top.
Then there’s his love of monochromatic competition gear, which actually isn’t that bad compared to the monochromatic—usually all white—warm-up suits. Federer is in his 30s now and it’s time for a change.
Jared Allen, Minnesota Vikings
Vikings defensive end Jared Allen isn’t a conventional guy, so the last thing I’d suggest is a conventional makeover. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
Now into his 30s, Allen’s look has matured just a little too much. I can’t believe I’m about to say this…but I think he should bring the mullet back.
Gus Malzahn, Auburn
Considering the phenomenal first season Gus Malzahn had at Auburn in 2013, so something tells me Tigers fans aren’t going to be too eager to mess with his winning formula.
There’s no question that Malzahn’s Mike Ditka-inspired vest from the BCS Championship Game was…inspired. But the sweater vest is just a very odd thing to commit to so seriously.
Malzahn should seriously considering switching it up every now and again, before the sweater vest thing becomes bigger than he ever meant it to be.
Rickie Fowler, PGA
There’s no point in bringing up the orange thing with golfer Rickie Fowler, because it’s clear he’s all in with that look. Obviously he’s not wearing orange in this photo, but I promise you he usually is.
Honestly though, if there’s such a thing as skin tone that can kind of pull off that much orange, Fowler has it. The issue with this guy is his hair—even under a hat, it always manages to look ridiculously stupid.
It’s actually a little bit shorter at the moment, which doesn’t help nearly as much as you’d think it would.
Colin Kaepernick, San Francisco 49ers
For the record, the backwards hat has absolutely nothing to do with Niners quarterback Colin Kaepernick needing a new look. If you have a problem with a backwards hat, there probably aren’t many things you don’t have a problem with.
Kaepernick’s style off the field is…in a word…kinda douchey. Brightly-colored suits, customized Ed Hardy-looking gear with his name all over it, low-cut tank tops and comically oversized ball caps are all wardrobe staples.
And then there’s the chin beard, which is just plain icky as standalone facial hair.
Chris Berman, ESPN
At this point there’s no chance that ESPN’s Chris Berman is going to do anything about his wardrobe, body shape or that irritating rasp in his voice.
The one thing he could do is cut his damn hair. A wispy combover does nothing for anyone. Someone needs to tell Berman the jig is up—we know he’s balding.
Brian Wilson, Los Angeles Dodgers
Who would’ve thought that when Dodgers relief pitcher Brian Wilson started growing out that beard of his about a grillion years ago (or maybe it just seems that long) that it would ever become…whatever that is.
On one hand, you’ve got to respect his commitment—last November he chose the beard over signing with the Yankees. On the other hand, it’s really disgusting and now defines him more than anything he’s done on the field.
Just because he’s committed to this look doesn’t make it right.
Jim Harbaugh, San Francisco 49ers
A peek inside the closet of Niners coach Jim Harbaugh would likely reveal two floor-to-ceiling stacks. One stack of neatly folded black, long sleeve shirts with the 49ers logo emblazoned on the front.
The other being, of course, a stack of $8 Walmart pleated-front khaki pants—the ones with lots of extra room in the crotch. So devoted to his…uniform…is Harbaugh that he didn’t even bother packing anything different for the Super Bowl in 2013.
Harbaugh has been screaming out for a new look for a very long time, but now that his wife is leading the charge, it just may happen. If he shows up to training camp this summer dressed like a normal human being, we’ll know who really wears the pants.
Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs
Spurs superstar big man Tim Duncan has been one of the worst dressed players in the NBA…well…pretty much as long as he’s been in the NBA. That oversized, cheap white polo shirt is about as good as it gets, honestly.
The comically oversized shirts (which is just impressive that he can even find something that large on him) and goofy carpenter jeans are too much. Especially now that he’s a single guy out on the prowl.
Andrew Luck, Indianapolis Colts
Colts quarterback Andrew Luck actually shaved off a lot of his horrifying beard after the playoffs, but apparently this is what he looks like after he shaves. Maybe he’s just that manly.
Either way, Luck is a very big dude who normally looks like a very big dork. There has to be a happy medium between fashionista Tom Brady and…that.
I’m not sure if WWE stars are actually allowed to change their look or persona, but no one in the WWE Universe is more desperately in need of some kind of image overhaul than Fandango.
I can’t imagine what made him decide that Dancing with the Stars reject was the best way to go, but Mr. Fandango was seriously mistaken. The only thing about his look that doesn’t need a change is that blonde girl that’s always on his arm.
Cristiano Ronaldo, Real Madrid
Real Madrid superstar Cristiano Ronaldo is generally considered a pretty good looking guy and one helluva soccer player. I’ll concede the latter point.
As for good looking? I don’t know. To me, he always looks sticky and overly bronzed, with an increasingly ridiculous haircut and meticulously waxed eyebrows.
Sticky is not a good look. Ronaldo should lay off the bronzer, let a little more time pass in between waxes and stop putting rubber cement in his hair.
Bill Belichick, New England Patriots
Patriots coach Bill Belichick is, without question, one of the greatest in NFL history. His personal style, on the other hand, is pretty much the exact opposite.
Because the league wants players and coaches peddling its apparel wares, the dress code on the sidelines is pretty casual. Belichick just takes casual to a whole ‘nother level.
Even if he only committed to regular haircuts and stopped cutting the sleeves of all his sweatshirts, it would be a major step up.