Pro Wrestling: Why It Should Be Banned From Bleacher Report Part 3

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Pro Wrestling: Why It Should Be Banned From Bleacher Report Part 3
(Photo by George Napolitano/Getty Images)

Over the last few days, there has been a backlash (no pun intended) against Professional Wrestling on Bleacher Report.

Two articles have been published saying why it is not suitable for Bleacher Report, and why Zander and company should ban it.

Now let's see why it should be banned, according to the shining light of knowledge that is Jeremy Kaufman, and the other guy whose name alludes me.

 

1. All wrestlers are on steroids.

I am a huge wrestling fan myself, but it is high time the wrestling community realised that this statement is undeniably true.

Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, Linda McMahon, Shane McMahon, and even Hornswoggle McMahon (for the week or so he was Vince's son) actively give wrestlers steroids.

You wonder why the WWE has the best superstars? Vince gives them discount on the steroids. TNA have to play full price. Suckers.

Jeremy got a lot of unfair criticism for this point. If a person is muscular, they are, by definition, on steroids.

As if to back up his point that all wrestlers are on steroids, Spanky, sorry Brian Kendrick, sorry THE Brian Kendrick was busted for steroid use just yesterday.

Apparently they didn't even need to test him, they just took one look at him and locked him up.

Jeremy Kaufman 1

Wrestling Community 0

 

2. Wrestling is fake!

What?!

Wrestling is fake!

What?!

Fake!

What?!

False!

What?!

Pretend!

What?!

Artificial!

What?!

Bogus!

What?!

Fraudulent!

What?!

Make-believe!

What?!

Mock!

What?!

Phony!

You get the point...

 

To prove this revolutionary and shocking point, Jeremy decided to do some tests on himself. He jumped off the top of a Cell through an announcers table, was speared through a flaming table, speared off a ladder while hanging from the title belt, and speared by Goldberg.

Poor Jeremy. Rest In Peace.

It was the Goldberg spear that did it allegedly.

But in his last moments, he did prove a point as Goldberg went for a punch and instead slapped all the taste out of his mouth, proving wrestling was, indeed, fake as they don't actually punch each other.

Jeremy Kaufman 2

Wrestling Community 0

 

3. Wrestling is not a sport!

Sport - "An activity for pleasure, competition, or exercise"

I think we can all agree that no-one gets any pleasure out of wrestling. For the thousands in attendance (and the millions watching at home) they only watch wrestling because Vince McMahon has their beloved family pet hostage.

As for the wrestlers themselves, they get no joy out of it, they just do it for the discounted steroids. Ask any wrestler ever (who hasn't already died from steroid abuse, of course) and they will tell you that winning a championship was the single worst day in their lives.

They will also say there was no competition for that championship. After all, trying to make yourself stand out to Vince among a whole host of other drugged up brutes is a walk in the park (which doesn't count as exercise, by the way.)

On the note of exercise, I think we've already established that professional wrestlers have never done an ounce of exercise in their lives. Why exercise when you've got steroids?

Ergo, by completely ruling out all three of the sport criteria, we can safely establish the following:

Jeremy Kaufman 3

Wrestling Community 0

 

4. One final reason...

There is one final reason which Jeremy forgot when he was writing his otherwise infallible list:

JEALOUSY!

It seems that someone saw the wrestling community start to take Bleacher Report by storm and turned green with envy.

An Article of the Day is a weekly occurrence in the wrestling section now, and that doesn't sit kindly with the other members.

Well, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. You'll have to up your game because the Wrestling Community is on the rise!

And if you don't like it, I've got two words for ya!

Jeremy Kaufman 0 (deducted three points for foul play)

Wrestling Community 1205 (one for every member)

 

Ok, so that was a little more than two words...

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