Predicting the Next Terrible Sports Meme
A new year is here and that means one thing: The great cycle of sports memes begins anew.
What will be the best sports gags this year? We'll have to wait and find out—but in the meantime we can guess as to what the gimmicky ones will look like.
The following are new memes you'll probably see plastered all over your computer screen in the next few months. They might be amusing at first, but by the time February rolls around you'll be bleaching your eyes to avoid enduring this never-ending veil of snark.
"Taco John's! Hot stew Saturday! TALKING 'BOUT A SHAQ PACK!"
You can scarcely picture it today, but there was a time before "Omaha."
It was a simpler period, when friends and family could turn on the television without the anxiety associated with watching 30 minutes of conjecture regarding the words Peyton Manning says before hiking the ball.
Those days are gone, and we now live in a world where teenagers are screaming "Omaha!" in fast food drive thrus and completely changing their order. This prior sentence is not true, but it sounds like some stupid thing that could become a...thing.
Don't be surprised if one of your friends yells "Omaha!" before pulling a three-lane sweep onto an off-ramp to make your exit, thus treating it like the sports fans' "YOLO."
Combo Meme: "Red 7! Omaha! Hot route!"
"Not the man, not the man, not the maaaaan."
This meme is already picking up steam, and will blissfully cross over into realm of "overplayed" by the end of this sentence.
Seahawks fans aren't one to turn down a human pinata, however, and will continue shopping Beats By Dre jokes over this image of sad Kaepernick until three to four weeks after the Super Bowl.
Combo Meme: Forever Alone Kaepernick.
New helmet equals turn to the dark side.
Be on the lookout for this "Darth Welker" trend to continue, as his "rub route" destruction of Aqib Talib has spun Welker's Good Guy Greg image into that of Sith Lord.
Combo Meme: Scumbag Sith Lord Steve.
Untying strangers' shoes and sulking the J.R. Smith way is something the kids will be replicating on the pickup court in no time.
Combo Meme: J.R. Doge.
Fat A-Rod couldn't have possibly done steroids!
Combo Meme: Unflattering Fat A-Rod lifting chicken wings.
'I'm the Man'
How do you wear your Beats by Dre? Besides obnoxiously?
There's no way to walk around with $400 sponge cakes strapped to your head without looking like a someone who should be slapped into reality. Thanks to the new Beats ad campaign, we'll probably be seeing kids shooting videos of themselves walking the wrong way up escalators and ignoring the crowd.
Will they dub that Aloe Blacc song into the clip? You know it.
Combo Meme: Walking through a crowd with your Beats and flopping as you make contact with a stranger.
The "Beast Mode" train left the station long ago, but droves of smitten, Johnny Come Lately fans continue to hop aboard.
Marshawn Lynch and his Skittles are officially a Seattle institution, and fans will be throwing candy on the field and at each other as long he remains in the league. Furthermore, it's only a matter of time until another athlete tries to ape this trademark by having their own signature food.
The only upshot with that prospect is the potential for Broncos fans to dump hot vats of stewed pot roast onto the field every time Terrance Knighton eats someone in the backfield.
Combo Meme: "Roast Mode."
Food Court Rushing
"Carl? Two chicken sandwiches?"
"Yea, that's me." [Turns around to food court, throws tray into the rafters].
"We did it!! WE DID IT! Woooooh!!"
Spring is here and with its arrival comes another seasonal favorite—college students rushing the floor and upending the disabled after a marquee victory over Fresno Tech University of the Traveling Pants.
The current criteria for storming the court anymore requires two things: You being under 30 and "Wooooh!" It is just a game after all—entertainment for the masses built upon the legacies, sweat and viscera of generations of athletes. No need to take pride in it or recognize the accomplishments of those before you. Sports are about celebrating everything always.
With that in mind, lets just take flash mob dancing and give it a meta layer of topical stupidity—food court rushing. Why not? They're kids! Are you against fun?
Combo Meme: "Plank storming"—students lay down on skateboards and push themselves down the stairs to the court. Give it a try, guys.
Richard Sherman souffle—that's what you'll be fed for the next 13 days and forever, sports fans.
Over the next two weeks you will be water boarded with televised debates on the life and times of Richard Sherman—the Stanford thug-genius-man. Is he a jackass? A misunderstood eccentric? And most importantly, if we make sanctimonious sportscasters argue with "keeping it real" former players, will you watch it for three hours?
Memes of Sherman's postgame rant are already flooding the Internet, and it'll only be a matter of time until someone Photoshops him on stage with Taylor Swift.
Combo Meme: "You ain't got the answers, Crabtree!"
"He's apoplectic! Boogey woogey woogey!"
For but the briefest of moments, Nick Saban recently bared his soul to the majesty of '70s line dancing.
It was the shiniest, rarest glint of humanity we've ever seen the man exhibit in public, and for the briefest moment, all our daddy issues were washed away.
As with all goofy moments of human interaction, Saban's lowering of the guard will be plastered all over the College GameDay signs of 'Bama haters and supporters alike come the 2014 season.
Combo Meme: Something unbearable like "Oppan Saban Style."
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