Many things are uttered and screamed during fantasy baseball season.
We discuss them with friends, family, and strangers on the phone.
Essentially any person who will listen to why we hate our team and the players who have "screwed" us.
Pure hatred for players can come about solely because you dropped them right before they exploded, or you drafted them in their one bad year, or didn't in their breakout year.
I still despise Jake Peavy because I had him the one year he did not have an ERA under three. In fact, I had him the year he had an ERA above four.
Sorry, I digress.
Recently, on the anniversary of Sammy Sosa's corked bat incident, I began to think about how frustrating the '90s must have been for fantasy baseball players. Not because it was the old school manual version instead of the Internet version, but rather how up and down the players were due to steroids.
This would have driven me insane.
Since these leagues from the '90s are not online, no one seems to know about them. It is almost as if they do not exist. We have no message boards, emails, or "smack talk" to go back on.
I decided to put together (with the help of my friend Ed Leiser, who although he has red hair can be verbally funny as well) some things that were probably said regarding fantasy baseball in the '90s. Not every comment is based on steroids.
I cannot imagine how much fantasy baseball money was lost due to steroids, however. I'm sure many friendships no longer exist because of it.
Dude, this kid Steve Avery is going to win three Cy Young Awards before he leaves Atlanta.
Avery's ERA through the '90s: 5.64, 3.38, 3.20, 2.94, 4.04, 4.67, 4.47, 6.42, 5.02, 5.16.
Many Fantasy Baseball managers were lost over the potential of Avery. R.I.P. my friends.
Bret Boone has killed me throughout his career. I'm not touching him in the new century.
Average hitting stats 1998-2000: .256 BA, 21 HR, 77 RBI, 80 R
Average hitting stats 2001: .331 BA, 37 HR, 141 RBI, 118 R
That's a spicy meatball draft pick in 2001.
Sosa and McGwire are doing WHAT?!?!
You know the numbers.
Brady Anderson is my sleeper pick for next season.
I told you Brady Anderson would go off.
1996: .297 BA, 50 HR, 110 RBI, 117 R
God dammit, what happened to Brady Anderson's power?
1997: .288 BA, 18 HR, 73 RBI, 97 R
Who the hell is Brady Anderson?
1998: .236 BA, 18 HR, 51 RBI, 84 R
I'm drafting Mike Hampton...contract year.
1999: 22-4, 2.90 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 177 K
2000: 15-10, 3.14 ERA, 1.34 WHIP, 151 K
Hampton then received an 8-year $121 million contract and never had an ERA under 3.84 for a season and was rarely healthy
Clemens to the Blue Jays? Career oooover.
After going 20-18 with ERAs of 4.18 and 3.63 while striking out 389 in his last two seasons with the Red Sox, Clemens went 41-13 with ERAs of 2.05 and 2.65 while striking out 563 batters in his two season with the Blue Jays. That is one juiced-up fantasy pick...I mean good fantasy pick.
I love anyone in Texas' lineup. Canseco has been a real spark plug for them.
Jose Canseco joins the Texas Rangers the last 22 games of the 1992 season and stays until the end of the 1994 season.
Rafael Palmeiro, 1992: .268 BA, 22 HR, 85 RBI, 84 R
Rafael Palmeiro, 1993: .295 BA, 37 HR, 105 RBI, 124 R
Juan Gonzalez, 1992: .260 BA, 43 HR, 109 RBI, 77 R
Juan Gonzalez, 1993: .310 BA, 46 HR, 118 RBI, 105 R
Dean Palmer, 1992: .229 BA, 26 HR, 72 RBI, 74 R
Dean Palmer, 1993: .245 BA, 33 HR, 96 RBI, 88 R
John Jaha looks like an MVP candidate. Pick him up! (said like in the movie Dumb and Dumber)
1996: .300 BA, 34 HR, 118 RBI, 108 R
I hate John Jaha
1997: 46 games, .247 BA, 11 HR, 26 RBI, 25 R
John Jaha will be comeback player of the year. Mark my words.
1998: 73 games, .208 BA, 7 HR, 38 RBI, 29 R
Jeff Blauser in Wrigley Field? Championship. (said in high-pitched voice)
Atlanta Braves, 1997 stats: .308 BA, 17 HR, 70 RBI, 90 R
Chicago Cubs, 1998 stats: .219 BA, 4 HR, 26 RBI, 49 R
Two words for you my friend, Mo Vaughn.
1995: .300 BA, 39 HR, 126 RBI, 98 R
Vaughn was actually a fantasy beast throughout the '90s, but 1995 was his MVP year.
Why are you drafting Sosa so high?
1998: .308 BA, 66 HR, 158 RBI, 134 R
No way Sosa has that year again.
1999: .288 BA, 63 HR, 141 RBI, 114 R
Absolutely zero chance Sosa does it again.
2000: .320 BA, 50 HR, 138 RBI, 106 R
I'm drafting Sosa this year.
2001: .328 BA, 64 HR, 160 RBI, 146 R
Needless to say, Sosa was a fantasy goldmine, but whether it was needle-less is something else that is left to be said.
John Kruk has really been helping my team's batting average...wait, what? HE RETIRED?!?! IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME?!?!
In July of 1995 while on the Chicago White Sox, Kruk hit a single against the Orioles, which made his career average exactly .300. He then brought himself out of the game to retire. He told the Chicago Tribune he wanted to spend the rest of the year "eating at the Sizzler's buffet."
Unfortunately, ESPN dragged him away from the buffet and decided to pay him for his thoughtless banter about baseball.
I like the Phillies' new closer, Mitch Williams.
1990: 3.93 ERA, 16 saves, 50 BB, 55 K, 1.50 WHIP
1991: 2.34 ERA, 30 saves, 62 BB, 84 K, 1.33 WHIP
1992: 3.78 ERA, 29 saves, 64 BB, 74 K, 1.64 WHIP
1993: 3.34 ERA, 43 saves, 44 BB, 60 K, 1.61 WHIP
Many pencils were broken and thrown over his wildness, but he got the job done, although I'm pretty sure he had a couple of huge blown saves.
Kirby Puckett is hitting .360 in spring training, baby. I can't believe I got him so late in the draft. He's on the DL already? He's BLIND IN ONE EYE?!?!
Literally four days before the season, Puckett woke up without vision in his right eye. He was diagnosed with glaucoma and would never play professional baseball again.
I know this is a horrible thing to laugh at, but imagine it from a fantasy baseball standpoint. If one of my main players woke up blind, I would throw my computer through the wall.
I'm all about the Mets this year. Come back seasons for Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry.
They like drugs.
That is all for now regarding fantasy baseball in the '90s. Ed Leiser will be writing part two of our '90s fantasy baseball quotes, so be sure to give it a read.