The Crazy/Hot Scale: The 10 Best Players Teams Couldn't Give Up On
Where is the breaking point?
What do you do if you're the Browns and you are awaiting the results to Dante Stallworth's manslaughter trial? Do you hang on to him? Is he worth the trouble?
On the show, "How I Met Your Mother," Barney Stinson (a.k.a. Doogie Howser), created a theory about women. Well, he has created a lot of theories about women.
But this particular theory is one that I feel can be applied to the world of sports.
If you're not familiar with it, it is called the, "Crazy/Hot Scale." What it basically says is, that if a girl is crazier than her hotness, then you need to walk away.
For instance, if she is a six and stabs you with a pair of scissors, it is best you leave all your stuff exactly where it is even if you have some old CD's lying around at her place and your cell phone is sitting on her dresser, leave it, and immediately start running, no questions asked.
If she is a nine, however, you at least need to get a feel for why she stabbed you, give it a five-minute reconciliation period, at which point if you cannot work it out, leave the door open for the occasional hook-up.
The point is, teams have routinely gone to great lengths to ignore obvious problems to hold onto a guy who was just too good to let go. They continue or continued to land big contracts and get a great deal of media coverage through all their spectacle.
Here are the Top 10 Athletes based on the "Crazy/Hot Scale."
(Note: Pacman Jones will not be featured on this list because he is just not good enough. But obviously, he is crazier than anyone on this list.).
10. Chad Ochocinco
Where to begin with Ochocinco? This is his second straight offseason that he is demanding a trade. He legally changed his name. He creates long drawn out touchdown dances that bother his coach.
He yells at teammates on the field and in the locker room if he doesn't get the ball. He puts in a fake grill in on game day. And, he gives incoherent interviews that give off the impression that Chad Johnson...er...Ochocinco has no idea what he is talking about whatsoever.
So why hold on to him?
Ochocinco still is a game-breaker when he is healthy. He changes what teams can do to the Bengals and like it or not, he still puts butts in the seat. One more season of slippage, however, and Chad is just a girl with one too many dad issues for her hotness.
9. Mike Tyson
You are probably saying, "Wait, he isn't on a team, how can he possibly be on this list?"
I'll tell you why.
America couldn't give up on him.
He was once a ten. A long, long time ago. He was the ultimate hot/crazy girlfriend who was also our first love. Those two things go together worse than Lindsay Lohan and food.
After he returned from prison as a Muslim, we watched him get destroyed by Evander Holyfield and Lennox Lewis. He bit off a Evander's ear.
Even though he never beat anyone of note we still couldn't give up on him.
A Tyson comeback would still draw headlines and even lead ESPN today, even though he hasn't been the same fighter in over 20 years.
Yes, my friends, we were sucked in by his tantalizing talent. The knockouts were so ferocious that amidst all the spectacle, we still held firm to Mike Tyson's legacy.
I guarantee that if your girlfriend bit off your ear, you'd probably lose her number. For us, that just made Tyson more appealing. We're sick and we need help.
Mike hung around for 20 years as a major draw. You will never forget the craziest hottest girl you ever dated. Period. And that was Iron Mike.
8. Michael Irvin
He was brash. He was antagonistic. He was wild.
Irvin was a huge reason as to why the Cowboys of the '90s were so incredible.
But years of partying and sneaking around finally caught up with him on his 30th birthday, when police busted down the door to his hotel room only to find him with marijuana, cocaine and strippers. Bad times.
Add in the fact that Irvin was extremely outspoken and would often times let his emotions get the best of him on the sidelines and what you have is the prototype for today's diva wide receiver.
Michael Irvin set the gold standard for which the other divas measure themselves by with regards to off the field antics. People said Irvin struggled outside the white lines. Maybe, it was because he was trying to snort them.
Eventually, Irvin's issues, compiled with his neck injury, were too much and his career came to an end. For a little less than a decade, though, Michael Irvin was too good for the Cowboys to even consider letting go.
To put it in perspective, Michael Irvin is the hot girl in the office who seems like she has it together until you make the mistake of asking her out.
Your evening out is spent watching random guys do body shots off her after she is done dancing on top of tables. At some point in the night she is walking around the bar with no shoes on slurring her words.
It's REALLY hard to take her seriously at work after that.
Some things are better left undone.
7. Ray Lewis
Before Ray Lewis became the consummate professional and voice of reason in the NFL, he had a little murder trial to overcome.
If you want to know how good Lewis is, look no further than the fact that Baltimore didn't even bat an eye as he stood trial.
The trial went favorably for Lewis, as almost all the witnesses hedged on their testimony compared to what they previously told investigators. Lewis' limo driver miraculously couldn't even recall Lewis throwing a punch.
The murder weapons were never found and Lewis pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice, receiving 12-months probation.
In the end, no one could explain what truly happened the day Lewis and two of his friends got into a fight that left two people dead. Lewis changed his habits off the field and the rest is history.
Had Lewis not been the highest paid linebacker in the league and about to enter the prime of his career, I highly doubt he would have received the support he did.
While Lewis doesn't have the chronic history of the others on this list, murder is pretty much the trump card. There's no recovering from that one.
His fate and the fate of the Ravens were inexplicably tied together.
To compare Lewis on our scale, he would be the equivalent of an incredibly hot, slightly hostile girlfriend, telling you she's pregnant, only you find out she was just testing you to see your level of commitment in the relationship.
You continue to date her, but things are never quite the same.
6. Alex Rodriguez
Every once in awhile, someone makes the mistake of marrying the hot/crazy girl.
This was the case for the Rangers and Yankees. Only, the Rangers were able to get a divorce because there was an even richer suitor willing to take on Rodriguez's needs and wants.
At this point, there is no getting rid of Rodriguez because it would set any team into a financial spiral.
So, the Yankees are now forced to spend the next 10 years with a guy who always struggled with his image even before he had the worst year of his life.
Teammates pretend to like him and to his credit Rodriguez and his frosted tips seem a little less robotic these days.
That still doesn't let us escape the fact that A-Rod was outed for testing positive for a banned substance, had two tell-all books discredit his character, landed on the tabloids for an alleged affair with Madonna and got a divorce from his longtime wife all in the span of one year.
Yankees management has that same glassy-eyed look on their faces that Freddie Prince Jr. gets every time he has to read a line in a movie. That is, if Freddie Prince Jr. was still a working actor.
Meanwhile, the Rangers have moved on and are now dating cute girls with great personalities.
Now that's a great comeback story.
5. Manny Ramirez
When it comes to Manny Ramirez, I think we have all been slightly misled. He was hiding under the guise of the footloose and fancy free head case that did wacky stuff.
But, as time has gone on, especially with new revelations, he appears to be a little more calculated.
And that's scary.
Hot women who can hide their ulterior motives pose the greatest threat to defenseless men all over the world.
In Manny's case, I believe, he has pulled the wool over everyone's eyes.
Whether he was on steroids or not while in Boston does not really matter. He was constantly in and out of that team mentally and emotionally. Some days he loved Boston, other days he was demanding a trade.
I once had a hot bi-polar roommate. It was the worst year of my life.
I was convinced Scott Boras manipulated Ramirez into signing a new contract so that he could receive his commission. But now, I'm not so sure.
Manny clearly had a lot more going on than we or the Dodgers knew about. There was a reason the Red Sox put him on the open market the year they broke the curse. They were tapping out. They thought he had outweighed his hotness.
Manny went back, hit the gym, got implants and was back for more.
What do you do with him now? He is an aging slugger who was putting up ungodly statistics that were possibly chemically enhanced. He is a wild card, who apparently has more guile than anyone suspected.
You can't break up with him because who knows if he will end up boiling your rabbit in your own kitchen. It's too risky and that's why Manny is No. 5.
His hotness cannot be determined nor can his shrewdness. My brain hurts just trying to process it all.
4. Terrell Owens
"Get your popcorn ready!"
That's Terrell Owens catchphrase.
He has a catchphrase.
The only people who should have a catchphrase are professional wrestlers and Rod Roddy from the "Price is Right."
He is emotionally unstable. He doesn't quite have a clear idea of who he is. Yet, he is such an amazing specimen and so conceded that he once did a sit down interview with just workout shorts on.
He was clearly one of the ten best athletes in football during the prime of his career and can still make plays.
At this point, though, he would definitely be one of the cougars on, "Cougartown."
He has been a human roller coaster, infecting every team he has played for. His last year with the 49ers was spent questioning his quarterback's sexuality, openly fighting with teammates and coordinators on the sidelines, and dropping pretty much everything he could get his nubs near.
His baggage mounted and still the Eagles were so desperate they took him.
Terrell Owens is the equivalent of dating a stripper. You had a choice. You made it. Now you need to get tested weekly.
He dismantled any semblance of team chemistry the Eagles had and the media ate it up. After he was done crushing Donovan McNabb and company, he hooked up with the Cowboys.
We all watched how that panned out, including his widely covered, "accidental overdose."
If you ever question why this guy made it to number four on the list, go check out the footage of him doing sit-ups on his driveway. That's all you will need to know.
Good luck Buffalo.
3. Michael Vick
I don't feel like I really need to explain too much here.
I know, I know, he made a mistake.
But here's the thing, a mistake, by my definition, is an isolated incident. A result that is not caused by your intent.
Obviously that was not the case with his dog fighting business. Businesses usually don't operate for years on an account of a mistake.
The league will allow him back in, as they should. He has right to make money.
But, his image appears ruined.
He was the most marketable player in the NFL. He was the face of the league and of the Atlanta Falcons.
He made some terrible decisions and has now spent almost two years away from the game.
He is a public relations nightmare. He has never proven to be a great leader or decision maker at the quarterback position.
With that said, someone will take a chance on him. More than one team wants to see what he can do. Hell, Tony Dungy still believes in him.
Vick is a special case because he is so talented that no one can remain objective when analyzing him.
Vick would be the type of girl who was dangerously hot. She would convince you to rob a liquor store or get into a fight at a bar. There is a point when a girl becomes too attractive that we are no longer able to make rational judgements. It's at that point where friends need to step in.
Needless to say, he has a lot of leeway.
He is such a rare talent that as much as coaches and front offices want to fight it, they know he can be a game changer.
The media coverage that will come along with this move will be stifling. The backlash will be intense...until Vick begins contributing.
Undoubtedly, he will land with someone and when he starts playing well everyone in that city will start drinking the kool-aid. You are what you are, and he is more trouble than he's worth.
2. Brett Favre
Nobody plays football with the same childlike spirit that Brett Favre does.
I am so sick of hearing that.
It's not true.
Brett Favre held the Green Bay Packers hostage for three seasons deciding whether or not he wanted to play.
As a basketball coach once told me, "We should box you up and sell you as a turnover."
I would like to pass that quote along to Brett.
He is still above average, but it is obvious his best days are behind him.
Favre had the good fortune of playing for an immensely loyal city and team. The Packers knew they could not get rid of Favre because of what he meant to Green Bay.
Meaning, Favre had the leverage and knew it.
Favre was the trophy wife whom you had kids with and then divorced. And, she's not taking it well.
You are now only allowed to see the kids on weekends at her discretion. She took more than her fair share in court and is still collecting alimony and child support. All you can do is wait it out or hope she gets re-married.
Unfortunately, she's crazy and is sticking it to you. It was a very bitter divorce, even though you have moved on and have no ill-will.
She is no longer the same hot gal that you married, but still attractive. Unfortunately, for you, she is still crazy like a fox.
Welcome to Green Bay's world.
Favre has milked his time in the spotlight for all he can. He refuses to go away and teams still treat him like he is 1999 Brett Favre and not 2009 Brett Favre.
ESPN even sent Rachel Nichols to the small town in Mississippi just to follow Brett around. He is a 40-year-old quarterback with an arm problem, what am I missing?
He has captured headlines loooooooong after his skills have diminished. He is a diva. People still treat him as if he is football royalty. He gets credit for being less sophisticated than he actually is. He can do no wrong in the eye's of the media and with most of the fans in Green Bay.
No one seems to be able to evaluate him logically. If there wasn't, "Brettwatch '09" going on then maybe he doesn't make it to No. 2. Unfortunately, there is....for about the fourth year in a row.
Just let go, big guy.
1. Barry Bonds
With his big head floating around like a Macy's Day Parade Float, Barry Bonds is by far the winner of the hot/crazy scale competition.
No player has ever been more polarizing. No player has relished it more.
Unlike characters such as Dennis Rodman, Bonds didn't try to be hated. He just was.
He was cold and insensitive, and those were his better qualities.
Bonds' high maintenance attitude was well documented. For instance, he needed his own wing in the locker room, not wanting to cross-contaminate his greatness with the other players.
His bristly personality was taxing long before all the steroid drama.
Although, he has apparently never tested positive, he lost the battle with the court of public opinion.
In addition to all the steroid rumors, it is believed he cheated on his taxes as well as had a longtime affair. Through all of it, Bonds hasn't shown an ounce of remorse.
In fact, Bonds has routinely made himself out to be the victim, especially during his crazy reality show, "Bonds on Bonds."
His last five years with the Giants were more Maury Povich than Major League Baseball. The Giants seemed to have one thing on their minds.
Once Bonds put that to bed, the fairytale was over. There was nothing left. Lives had been altered, relationships crushed, trust broken.
He was such an amazing talent that the Giants just kept giving him more. They milked every last moment out of him.
It was one of the weirdest scenarios in sports history because the tables turned and the Giants were the ones waiting for this to be over.
They snatched Barry right as he hit his prime and enjoyed the fruits of dating the hottest girl on the planet.
Unfortunately, just when it looked like Bonds might start to move from a ten to an eight, he rejuvenated more than any athlete in history, during a period when people were being questioned for their workout methods.
At that point, the Giants had seen all the warts on their beautiful bride but were in too deep to break away.
Barry Bonds breaks the scale. Britney Spears is the only female in the world who I could even compare Bonds too.
He was that good and that much work.
She was that hot and that crazy.
So, there it is. Barry Bonds is the runaway winner.