How to Get Kicked out of Sporting Events
You're ready to exit the stadium—but which route do you take?
Do you leave in the back of a cop car? Would you prefer to be dragged through the concourse by two strong and reliable men? Maybe you should just man up, take your pants off and go down in a blaze of stun guns and husky field personnel.
Lord knows you're not leaving here normally.
No, some fans seem hell-bent on being forcibly removed from the ball park. For reasons unknown (alcohol), they'll go out of their way to ensure they are hog-tied and hauled out of the establishment before the game ends.
Getting kicked out of ballparks isn't fun. We would never suggest you do it. I repeat: Don't do these things.
There are a number of ways to go about getting the boot from the sporting venue of your choice. Some are more obnoxious than others, but they'll all have you out on the curb or inking thumbprints before the final whistle blows.
Make It Rain
"Our beer cups will block out the sun!"
"Then we will play in the shade."
There's something about large sporting events that brings out the grenadier in drunk morons. They enter a large public mass and begin to feel this queer sense of invulnerability, which boils over into a need to interject themselves into the action.
The mixing of these elements—aided by the ever unreliable Bushmills—will eventually lead to their inner-siege wall warrior emerging and bottles flying toward the field.
The act of chucking something isn't a sure-fire way out of a stadium, however. What you throw is the most important factor. Chucking peanut shells is annoying, but it isn't a lifetime ban. A Maglite loaded with D-cells, on the other hand, could get you one of those fancy, felony indictments.
Sure-fire Removal: Throw fire onto the field.*
*Does not apply to certain areas of Europe and Turkey.
Come in Like a Wrecking Ball
♫ You never hit the ground so haaard before ♫
♫ They handcuffed you and dragged you offfff ♫
Starting a fight is probably the easiest, most sure-fire way to end up out of the stadium and in the back of a cop car. Again, I'm not telling you to tee off on the dude with the thunder sticks who yells "You suck!" at his own players.
No one wants that.
All I'm saying is that if you grab a pair of foot-longs and start a Hebrew National rendition of Stomp! on top of his stupid head, you're probably going to end up crowd-surfing into a holding cell.
Sure-fire Removal: Get drunk and dive multiple rows onto the fans in front of you.
Hit the Field
"Bro, you know what you should do?"
"Get naked on television and make Mom sad?"
"You know it."
Streaking at a sporting event takes two things: a cast iron love for exhibitionism and a willingness to potentially end up a registered sex offender.
Then again, if your mission is getting kicked out of the stadium, you're looking at the surest lock in the bunch.
Sure-fire Removal: Naked or not, your removal from the game is already guaranteed; however, wearing a cape or crown could get you style points.*
*Again, do not do this.
Talk Too Much Trash
"Hey, ump. Does your mother sew?!"
While it seemingly goes against man's most basic principle of individual freedom, loudly speaking your mind can get you tossed from a major sporting event.
We're not just talking about Wimbledon or the Masters, either. You can get the boot at a rowdy college basketball game for the felonious crime of disagreeing with an official.
Just ask N.C. State legends Tom Gugliotta and Chris Corchiani. They were booted from a game at their alma mater for the unspeakable crime of singling a referee out on a bad call.
Sure-fire Removal: Ask a referee to "Do a little dance, make a little love and go [bleep] a panini press."
Go Duke Puke'em
Load the Gastro Gun with Bud Ice and Grilled Stuft Nachos! It's time to let it rip!
Nothing clears a path faster than projectile vomit, so if you're looking to burn a trail out of the stadium in record time, cook up a hearty stomach buddy and send it cascading over the four rows in front of you.
Sure-fire Removal: Be sure to oscillate like a floor fan for maximum coverage.
Bring Guns to the Ballpark
How oppressive can stadium security be?
Judging by this picture, they can hustle you for the simple crime of wearing Speedos and oiling pythons without a permit. Granted, we don't know if these two guys were actually removed from the stadium, but if they were...
Well, I don't think I want to live in a country with this kind of gun control. YEAAHHH.
Sure-fire Removal: Have a small, black dog nip at your Speedo in front of the visiting fans section.
Buy Booze for Underage Kids
The curse of the 20-year-old is a sad and sober one.
Not a boy, but not a man—at least not in the eyes of Chad, the cheese wedge in the goofy vest doling out "21-and-up" arm bands at Wrigley Field.
All you want to do is take pity on these poor fools—these man-children who are allowed to put on fatigues and catch rocket fire with their forehead but are denied the simple pleasure of drinking a Bud at the game.
But we must keep alcohol out of their hands.
Putting such hazardous materials in their possession is a crime, and anyone who does it assumes their own personal risk. Some stadiums go out of their way to quash underage drinking more than others (see Wrigley Field) and will boot you without hesitation should they catch you sliding beer to an underage person.
Sure-fire Removal: Scream "Do you know how many 20-year-olds died face down in the mud at Okinawa for your freedom?! Huh, PIGGY?!" when confronted by an usher.
Try to Improve Your Seats
Roll those dice, player.
Trying to move closer to the field can be harmless and easy, but it all depends on the situation at hand. If you're at a poorly attended regular season game, you're cleared to fly, Ghost Rider.
If you're at the Super Bowl or the Masters and wandering in the wrong areas without proper identification, you're in for at least a stern talk. The worst-case scenario ends with you spreading and squirming in a windowless room in the sub-basement.
Sure-fire Removal: Sneak into the Governor's Box and blast a hot plume of pepper spray, a la Hunter S. Thompson.
Taunt the Coaches
Sports security—abridging your freedom of expression when it doesn't suit its purposes.
This may be an extreme case, but former Tottenham manager Andre Villas-Boas had a fan removed from a match in 2013 for repeatedly chanting "sacked in the morning."
Apparently advertising the near future is a removable offense.
Sure-fire Removal: "Andre! You're bad at managing and have bad hair! I said it! Your hair is stupid!"
Protest Your Franchise's Awful Ownership
Chalk up another tap to the pastrami pouch for freedom of speech!
A group of ticket-holding Miami Marlins fans were removed from Marlins Park for protesting the team's upper management inside the ballpark. The fans stood around in the concourse holding "Free the Marlins" signs and talking to passersby about their wish to get the team back on track.
Sure enough, it wasn't long before security came and removed them from the premises. They never even made it to their seats.
Sure-fire Removal: Suggest that The Clevelander—the strip club and bar behind left field at Marlins Park—is tacky and unfitting for a baseball stadium. They'll make sure your loved ones never find you after that remark.
Get kicked out of crappy parties—not ballparks. Unless it's Marlins Park, which counts as both.