Welcome to the Onion Bag, your favourite source of weird and wonderful football news.
Firstly today we check in with your reigning Ballon d'Or Cristiano Ronaldo. It's been revealed that the Portuguese star made a very generous promise to his physio team before he picked up his coveted gong.
Next, we head to Staffordshire, where Kenwyne Jones has landed himself in the bad books at Stoke after texting manager Mark Hughes to tell him he wasn't available for a game.
And finally, Joe Kinnear's quest to keep unintentionally amusing us has been upheld in his recent Newcastle Utd programme notes.
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