Six Reasons Why Tennis Should Be Banned

Rocky Getters

Senior Writer Written on June 03, 2009

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PARIS - JUNE 01: Tim Henman of Great Britain serves as spectators look on against Dmitry Tursunov of Russia during day five of the French Open at Roland Garros on June 1, 2006 in Paris, France. (Photo by Clive Brunskill/Getty Images)

Clive Brunskill/Getty Images

I now hold in my hand, medical reports which prove, without a doubt, just how dangerous tennis is.

Doctors and researchers from different fields have been working for a long time on this sport and have concluded that Tennis is a dangerous sport and must be banned.

In the following few slides, I will detail a few dangerous diseases, disorders, harmful effects of tennis...

R1 Nadalitis and R1 Federeritis Viruses

MADRID, SPAIN - MAY 17: Roger Federer of Switzerland (R) and Rafael Nadal of Spain share a moment during the prize giving ceremony after the mens final during the Madrid Open tennis tournament at the Caja Magica on May 17, 2009 in Madrid, Spain. (Photo

WHAT IS IT: An unnamed disease which is caused by the above mentioned viruses.

The disease is contracted by watching Nadal or Federer play some awesome tennis.

IT AFFECTS: The heart.

VICTIMS: Mostly women, of all ages.

FAMOUS VICTIMS: Every female writer on bleacher report who has a picture of Nadal or Federer as their profile pic...

INITIAL SYMPTOMS: Fast beating of the heart on seeing Nadal or Federer. Dreaming & drooling over any one of them. Having your desktop background set to their photos.

DANGERS: Once afflicted with the virus, it grows uncontrollably.

Can lead to—forgetting food/water/studies/work while watching them play, ignoring absolutely everyone other than their hero, writing secret love letters in their diaries, hoping that "he" spots them from beyond the TV...and eventually a state of insanity.

CURE: No known cure.

PTA (Partial Tennis Amnesia)

FLUSHING, NY - SEPTEMBER 8: (FILE PHOTO) Pete Sampras poses with his trophy and Andre Agassi during the US Open September 8, 2002 at the USTA National Tennis Center in Flushing Meadows Corona Park in Flushing, New York. Sampras is retiring in a brief c

WHAT IS IT: It's a temporary mental disorder in which the victims forget that there are other great players in the past and present who were or can be better than Nadal or Federer.

IT AFFECTS: The brain.

VICTIMS: All the people who have contracted the R1N1 or R1F1 virus are susceptible to this disease.

FAMOUS VICTIMS: Experts who failed to think about Novak or Soderling in their preview/predictions, and yet again hoped that it'd be a Nadal-Federer final at Roland Garros.

INITIAL SYMPTOMS: Arrogant confidence that Roger or Rafael are invincible.

DANGERS: Victims may suffer heart-attacks when their hero loses in the initial stages itself...

CURE: Precaution is the best cure. But seriously, until we find a cure for R1N1 and R1F1...no cure...

TCD (Tennis Compulsive Disorder)

LONDON - JUNE 29: Fernando Gonzalez of Chile hands a member of the crowd his broken raquet during his match against Marat Safin of Russia during day four of the Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Championships at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club on June 2

WHAT IS IT: It's a psychological disorder wherein tennis stars act crazy.

IT AFFECTS: The mind.

VICTIMS: Any tennis player, male or female, can be prone to this. It is also known to affect young players who emulate tennis stars and fall victim to Tennis Compulsive Disorder.

FAMOUS VICTIMS: Seriously?

You want me to name all of 'em now?

INITIAL SYMPTOMS: Smashing tennis rackets on the court, screaming, making faces, cursing the umpire, and emitting unearthly grunts.

DANGERS: Isn't all of that dangerous enough?

Tennis is such a violent sport!

CURE: No known cure.

EDFAT (Extreme depression, frustration, or anger caused by tennis)

ROTTERDAM, NETHERLANDS - FEBRUARY 13: Jo-Wilfried Tsonga of France argues with the umpire during his match against Rafael Nadal of Spain during day five of the ABN AMRO World Tennis Tournament at the Ahoy Centre Rotterdam on February 13, 2009 in Rotterda

WHAT IS IT: It's a psychological disorder in which the person is a victim of constant abuse, ridicule, controversy, & eventually suffers from poor self-confidence or depression, and might display anger

IT AFFECTS: The mind.

VICTIMS: Umpires officiating tennis games.

DANGERS: Even though the dangerous "McEnrous" virus is now dormant, every now and again the umpires have to make tough decisions and may face severe criticism from the tennis players...and in some cases their accompanying short-tempered fathers!

CURE: No known cure.

TRGHB (Tennis related general health problems)

PARIS - MAY 25: Fans look on as the sun sets over the Suzanne Lenglen court at the French Open on May 25, 2009 in Paris, France. (Photo by Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)

WHAT IS IT: It's a complex set of diseases or health problems which affects ardent tennis fans.

IT AFFECTS: Heart, neck, elbow, knees, back...you name it, it gets affected.

VICTIMS: Anyone who watches tennis.

DANGERS: Your blood pressure increases while watching an intense tennis match.

You may get a stroke if you see your favorite player lose.

Your neck may get jammed as it follows the movement of the tennis ball right-left-right-left-right-left...

CURE: No known cure.

ERR (Extreme Russian rage)

ROME - MAY 12: Maria Sharapova of Russia smiles as she talks to the media during the WTA Sony Ericsson Tennis at the Foro Italico on May 12, 2008 in Rome, Italy. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)

WHAT IS IT: It's a physical disorder in which a victim's crush on a Russian tennis player grows into love, and then turns into obsession.

However, the tennis player does not entertain my calls or letters...uhh...sorry, I mean the victim's calls or letters or rose bouquets, and instead first unleashes 18 rabid hungry dogs on that person when he tries to enter her house, and then gets a restraining order against me...uhhh...I mean...that person.

IT AFFECTS: The heart.

There are many strands of this virus, but the most common type is Marius Sharapovas. It's known to be less dangerous though than the now dormant Kournikovas or Steffus Grafus virus...

VICTIMS: All males can fall prey to this virus. Whether they know a thing about tennis or not is not even a factor.

SYMPTOMS: Thinking all day about that tennis player, covering all the walls of your room with posters of her, setting your Facebook status to "in a complicated relationship," and telling people it's "her"...

DANGERS: The victims can go to jail...but worse than that, the tennis player's angry dad can kick the victim's butt.

CURE: No known cure.

What the...?

PARIS - MAY 27: Roger Federer of Switzerland smiles towards fans as he arrives on day four of the French Open at Roland Garros on May 27, 2009 in Paris, France. (Photo by Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)

PS. Come to think of it, all these disorders aren't so bad, are they now?

In fact, we all love tennis because of these very "disorders"!

Scrap those damn medical reports, and let's watch some tennis!

*In a hypnotic voice...*

"I'm Roger Federer...and I'm telling you to give this article a POTD...now!"

Hey...can't blame a guy for trying you know!

Begin Slideshow

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written on June 03, 2009 Humor

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Six Reasons Why Tennis Should Be Banned

Rocky Getters

R1 Nadalitis and R1 Federeritis Viruses

PTA (Partial Tennis Amnesia)

TCD (Tennis Compulsive Disorder)

EDFAT (Extreme depression, frustration, or anger caused by tennis)

TRGHB (Tennis related general health problems)

ERR (Extreme Russian rage)

What the...?

That's the end of this slideshow, here are a few more you might like...

Inside London's Dome With The Best Men In Tennis

Tennis Power Rankings