Things We Lost in Sports in 2013
Take off your caps, please.
The time has come to close the door on 2013, my friends. But before we stride boldly into this brave new year, we must pay our last respects for that which we lost over the past 12 months. Fads came and went, helmets disappeared into the nebula and butt-centric blunders were retired in ceremonial fashion.
Gone, but never forgotten, the following are artifacts of sports past we must leave behind as we head into 2014. We may never see their likes ever again.
And in some cases, that's not a bad thing.
Brandon Knight's Soul
No need to call the detectives. This is an open-and-close case of manslaughter by bone-jarring awesomeness.
DeAndre Jordan didn't actually kill Brandon Knight with his now infamous alley-oop dunk, but his soul was last seen glowing inside a crystal tucked into Jordan's sock.
If Found, Please Return To: DeAndre Jordan, soul keeper and necromancer of the hardwood.
Reward: DeAndre will dunk on one person of your choosing.
Tim Tebow in the NFL
Oh Timothy, we hardly knew ye.
That's a lie—the public knew more about Tim Tebow than they did about most starting quarterbacks in the NFL. Rain or shine—bench or playing—ESPN and its associates showered us with segments about the life and times of Timothy Tebow, and the non-controversies that sprang up wherever the winds of free agency blew him.
As of today, Tebow has been hired by ESPN as a college football analyst. He still has an out-clause in his contract, however, should an NFL team come calling at the door. So it's technically not over yet, people.
If Found, Please Return to: 1 Everbank Field Drive, Jacksonville, Florida 32202.
Reward: Eternal salvation, the never-ending love of 15 utterly deluded people.
Harlem Shake Videos
The Harlem Shake ran its course early on in 2013, starting in offices and suburban bonus rooms, and quickly spreading into the locker rooms at sporting arenas around the world.
If Found, Please Return To: Do NOT return or resuscitate. Apply finishing move of choice.
Reward: The satisfaction of a job well done.
The Butt Fumble
After 40 straight weeks at the top of SportsCenter's "Worst of the Worst," the Butt Fumble was officially retired into the Awful Hall of Fame.
It's okay, though. The Buffalo Sabres Butt Goal has picked up the mantle, and while it could never possibly replace the original, it's remains a reminder of the incredible uses the derriere has in the field of athletics.
If Found, Please Return To: Bristol, Conn.
Reward: A jar of Sanchez tears.
Jim Schwartz's Headset
The angry headset spike isn't a go-to celebration move for most coaches, but Jim Schwartz wasn't your run-of-the-mine head coach during his stint in Detroit.
No word remains on whether or not the headset was ever found or recovered.
If Found, Please Return To: Raymond Jones Stadium, Tampa Bay, Fla. You never know, maybe the Bucs just haven't found the right brand of crazy yet.
Reward: $1 million in Detroit municipal bonds or a Shaq Pack.
Gangnam Style Celebrations
Like a flashbang in a nursing home, Gangnam Style exploded with terrifying results in 2012.
The dance made popular by South Korean singer Psy washed over sports at record pace and was all but gone by 2013. It was last seen being acted out on a golf green in February by a man six months late to the party.
If Found, Please Return To: No. Just drop it. Leave it there. Good boy.
Reward: Free dance lesson with TerRio.
Knicks Fan's Hat, Shoes, Sanity....
After watching his team lose to one of the sorriest Boston Celtics squads assembled in years, a New York Knicks fan experienced the meltdown of the year.
He buried his hat, shirt and shoes in the snow outside his friend's house, telling his buddies to leave his gear there for good.
The duds were last seen being brought inside by a friend who wasn't prepared to let his bro walk home in sandals. Legend has it that (bleep) is still there, because (bleep) the Knicks.
If Found, Please Return to: The snow.
Reward: The only thing the Knicks ever reward their fans with anymore—absolutely nothing.
Boston Red Sox Beards
After months of cultivation culminating in winning the 2013 World Series, two members of the Boston Red Sox parted ways with their beards in the name of charity.
David Ortiz and Shane Victorino shaved their coifs of lustrous man hair in the name of benefiting victims of the Boston Marathon bombing. No one wanted to see their wonderful face sweaters go, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a better cause.
If Found, Please Return To: The fans who bought the beard clippings, which were auctioned as "beard balls" by Gillette.
Reward: The rightful owners possibly not calling the cops on you.
Vincent Smith's Helmet
Michigan running back Vincent Smith lost his helmet on the first day of 2013, thanks to some indescribable brutality on the part of South Carolina defensive end/manimal Jadeveon Clowney.
Smith's Schutt headgear was last seen passing the Galilean moons of Jupiter, and was lost soon after the government shutdown furloughed NASA tracking specialists.
If Found, Please Return To: Jadeveon Clowney. Technically speaking, the hit constituted as his legal adoption of Vincent Smith.
Reward: Homemade card good for one "Steve Spurrier back rub."
'What Would Ryan Lochte Do?'
(Sniff) It was so young...
After a scant eight episodes, Ryan Lochte's reality show What Would Ryan Lochte Do? was canceled due to poor ratings.
The show averaged 440,000 viewers per episode—roughly 439,000 more than any rational being would ever assume.
If Found, Please Return To: E!, where it will be stripped for spare parts and added to the garbage heap.
Reward: Hooked on Phonics starter pack.
Join me on Twitter as we ring in another year of sports weirdness.