Through painstaking research and multiple Red Bulls, we have been able to recreate what we believe to be the actual e-mail sent from Lebron James to Dwight Howard.
The following is a complete and utter fabrication, but it could be true...maybe.
Sorry about leaving Sunday night without congratulating you on your big win and trip to the NBA Finals.
I know everyone is saying I acted like a baby and a sore loser blah blah blah, but that's really not true.
I actually had some Nike commercials I had to shoot before midnight so that we could get them ready for the June shipment of my new kicks. My top secret shoe deal that was supposed to come out during Game Seven of the NBA Finals (ahem!).
I know I told the media real competitors don't shake hands, but it's actually all part of our new marketing campaign. We've decided to expand Lebron James Inc. into cologne.
We're thinking of calling the new line Gamers Don't Shake, has a nice ring to it doesn't it?
If you want I can send you a free sample, impress the ladies perhaps?
Anyway, this whole thing has been blown way out of proportion and we have got to do something about it. I mean in the heat of battle you always say things you don't mean to say and you have regrets.
Therefore, I wanted to take the time to tell you what I really wanted to say after game six.
Did you miss the memo?
Commissioner David Stern told us before the playoffs began that this was supposed to be the year of Kobe v. Lebron.
I mean we had puppet commercials man!
I know you checked that out because it was awesome.
I mean, did you see little Dwight puppets flying around with capes and an "S" on their chest?
I don't think so.
You're Superman, but I am the superstar.
If you actually took the time to stop twittering and read your e-mail, bro we could have avoided this whole fiasco.
Now, I know it's not all your fault...I blame Mike Brown too.
After all, coach Brown hadn't coached a game for about two months. He had been on a long vacation after we got the Detroit Pistons and Atlanta Hawks in the first two rounds.
We actually were letting Sasha Pavlovic do the honors since he had nothing better to do on the bench.
Those teams are so dysfunctional that we had to intentionally throw away a few quarters just to make the game seem interesting to our NBA fans.
Then you had to come along and actually play well.
You really made Coach Brown think, I give you credit. His "dribble twice and then give Lebron the ball" plan was a complete shift from his usual "give Lebron the ball" strategy.
With a radical departure like that, no wonder our players were never really able to adjust in time. Poor Mo Williams had to go over the different options on the plays two or three times.
I mean, I admire your novelty.
This whole competitive thing was a great new twist and something these playoffs sorely needed. After all, if it weren't for you playing well, I never would have had the greatest shot in the history of sports.
Well that's what ESPN said at least, game two buzzer beaters by the eventual losers always go down in the pantheon of sports.
I mean they did show it 3,452 times, and when have they ever been wrong about anything?
I especially liked when you ripped your coach a new one in the Boston series to make us think your team was falling apart at the seams.
Clever my man, clever.
Still, I guess it wouldn't be right Dwight, if I didn't apologize.
I am sorry referees.
You did all that you could to help, I even think I saw you tripping some of the Magic shooters coming down the court. It is that kind of selfless sacrifice that really makes the King grateful of his subjects.
No one can blame you honorable men for the horrible events that transpired.
In the end, it just wasn't enough.
However, I learned a valuable lesson from all of this.
I am going to petition David Stern to eliminate the three-point line.
I mean who likes prissy little jump shooters anyway. If I see one more Orlando Magic shooter wide open from behind the arc, I might just puke.
So, since I can't clone myself...yet, I think it best to just create a new line.
The 50,000 point line will be located on the other side of the half court and only activated in the final seconds of the game clock.
This way when I make my circus shots, they will actually mean something.
I know, it makes so much sense I don't understand why I didn't think of it earlier.
Anyway, I'm not one to point fingers.
I wish you luck in the Finals man...well not that much luck.
Let's be serious, if you and Dwayne Wade both get an NBA title before me...oh who am I kidding?
Kobe is going to crush you!
He has his own puppet!
Anyway, just wanted to clear some things up with you buddy and no hard feelings.
I forgive you. Just remember to read your NBA memos next time.
Oh, and if you want a copy of my upcoming movie Lebron, All Hail the King with Martin Scorsese, just hit me up.
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