Holiday cheer: Who needs it?
A sunny disposition might get you on the "Nice" list, but yucking it up after every loss won't make the nut—not in THIS LEAGUE.
The following athletes, coaches and sports personalities don't care if their stockings split under the weight of coal this December. Making the playoffs or championship game—that's the only Christmas miracle they ever wanted.
With that said, it's time to balance out all this holiday cheer going around with some good old-fashioned antagonism and loosely fettered sanity.
These are the 25 greatest sports rants of all time.
The fact that Bart Scott trademarked "Can't Wait" and hasn't made money off it is unfathomable and a crime.
Underrated Moment: "How did that—"
Phyllis from Mulga is a nigh rabid Alabama Crimson Tide fan who made national waves after dropping this spitfire rant on ESPN's Danny Kannell on The Paul Finebaum Show.
She told Kannell to quit his job, predicted Alabama to "go all the way" and ended her call with a "Roll Tide Roll!"
Underrated Moment: "Do you understand? You don't come in here and talk about the BEST!"
Serena Williams was having none of the garbage a chair umpire was slinging at the 2011 U.S. Open.
After losing a couple points to a pair of dubious calls, Williams lashed out from her bench during a break in the action, telling the ump how much she despised her and calling her "unattractive inside."
I guess the cards are always stacked against the five-time U.S. Open Champ.
Underrated Moment: "Am I gonna get violated for a water?"
Less of a rant, and more a scolding, screaming isn't John Tortorella's go-to move with the media.
He prefers to systematically break them down, and the former New York Rangers coach took a minute to reduce one particularly snide media member to a stuttering mess.
"You ever fight before?"
Underrated Moment: The one reporter who can't help laughing at his colleague being demolished.
Mario Chalmers with arms in the fourth quarter? Not if Stephen A. Pharoah is running the team.
Saturday Night Live regular Jay Pharoah took Stephen A. Smith to the woodshed during the 2013 NBA playoffs, nailing an impression of the ESPN personality with a vintage rant.
Underrated Moment: Jay Pharoah's hairline.
Kellen Winslow: Soldier, philosopher and real politique advocate.
Underrated Moment: "You make money off that."
In his 24 years of life, Richard Sherman hasn't met his match intellectually or athletically.
That much he relayed to ESPN's Skip Bayless in a monologue that was as awkward as any drunken announcement a family member will make at Christmas dinner this year.
Underrated Moment: "You are ignorant, pompous, egotistical, cretinton..."
Rick Pitino laid it down flat for the Boston media after losing to the Toronto Raptors in 2000: Lower your expectations, accept reality and we might just have a bit of joy in this boat we're in.
Underrated Moment: Vince Carter head nod.
ESPN's Stephen A. Smith doesn't hate Kwame Brown, he just thinks the journeyman center/walking space heater would be more useful if teams used him as a couch or throw rug.
Underrated Moment: "No disrespect whatsoever."
Coastal Carolina football coach David Bennett can't be given enough credit for this impassioned speech about the inherent differences between canines and felines.
Bennett managed to take a seemingly run-of-the-mill anecdote about a cat sneaking into his living room and twisting it into a Gordian Knot of inspiration.
Underrated Moment: "Mel's like 'What's going on?' I said 'There's a cat in the house!"
Bob Knight had no interest in prognostication or being the media's crystal baller.
That being said, he'd give divination a shot if it meant avoiding (bleep)y questions.
Underrated Moment: "This is a [cot]damn cheap piece of crystal here..."
Johnny Mac was many things, but patient with chair umps he was not.
Underrated Moment: The smattering of applause for John McEnroe's complete disregard for decorum.
After a disappointing loss to Murray State, SIU basketball coach Barry Hinson tried to keep it together in front of the media.
Starting at a slow boil, Hinson called his team a bunch of "mama's boys" who couldn't outshoot his wife. This poured over into a reference-dropping indictment of the team's heart, including allusions to Seal Team Six and talk about treadmill training for hound dogs.
Underrated Moment: "Bad dog. Get on the treadmill!"
Warning: Video contains nine minutes of NSFW language and gospel about the sorry New York Knicks.
After losing to the partially refurbished Boston Celtics by 41 points, this New York Knicks fan went HAM water on his favorite team in the world.
Underrated Moment: "This is true." (x300)
Warning: Video contains NSFW language.
There's nothing better than someone repeating a phrase but with G-rated verbiage, as if it's some kind of conversational Wite-Out.
Underrated Moment: "It sucked. It stunk."
Herm Edward is man of strong convictions, and if he says winning is the only thing that matters in sports, who are we to disagree?
Underrated Moment: "HELLO?"
No matter who is on the roster or what mad genius they have calling plays in the booth, thanks to Dennis Green, the Bears will forever be exactly who we thought they were.
Underrated Moment: "...Thanks, coach."
Jim Schoenfeld didn't get many points for originality, but calling referee Don Koharski a "fat pig" and suggesting he eat a donut has to be credited as one of the most juvenile jibes ever delivered in NHL history.
Underrated Moment: Schoenfeld's Canadian accent shining through on "donut."
Warning: Video contains NSFW language.
Hal McRae gives the worst postgame interviews when he doesn't get his Snickers. Or the best.
Underrated Moment: Bloody journalist.
What Shakespeare was to playwriting, Mike Tyson was to unmitigated crazy.
His rants were as plentiful as they were absurd, but the zenith of his rambling insanity was the "eat his children" tirade Tyson went on about Lennox Lewis.
He also dropped a line about his kids that continues to stand as a sturdy argument in favor of the Oxford comma, even in spoken language.
Underrated Moment: "All praise be to my children."
In the midst of defending one of his benched players, Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy coined what's become a household phrase for sports fan and a declaration my father still randomly yells to this day.
My father has long since passed this age, but in a way, Mike Gundy's rant made us all 40.
Underrated Moment: "Where are we at in society today?"
I'm just going to take a back seat on this one and let Allen Iverson's words breathe.
Underrated Moment: "How the hell can I make my teammates better by practicing?"
Like a fine Bordeaux, Jim Mora and his "playoffs" tirade only improves with age.
Twelve years have passed since Mora let loose on the media in 2001, and to this day, his lilting pronouncing of "playoffs?" remains in a place of high honor in the pantheon of the greatest coaching rants in sports history.
Underrated Moment: "In my opinion!" (x2)
Warning: Video contains Tarantino levels of expletives.
If you've ever wondered what it was like to play for a Bob Knight team that's losing to Purdue, I have news: You're a masochist, and will now rethink whatever twisted line of reasoning led you to this wish.
The audio recording of Knight's rage was possibly taken during halftime of Indiana's 1991 away game against Purdue. The Hoosiers were struggling against the Boilermakers—a team they'd crushed by 41 points earlier in the year, and the secret taping is believed to have been recorded by team manager Lawrence Frank.
Whoever pulled it off had a set of mithril-plated bacon bangles. That much is certain.
Underrated Moment: "I mean, I'll run you—You'll think last night was a (bleep)ing picnic!"
Warning: Video contains TOXIC amounts of NSFW language.
He knew the tapes were rolling. He didn't care.
Thirty years ago, Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia unleashed a torrent of obscenities regarding the fans of his franchise, literally saying Cubs supporters could kiss his butt and print the pictures in the paper.
Bare in mind: Elia kept his job for four more months after this.
Underrated Moment: The way his voice tones down to an apology at the end.