These Athletes Were TOTALLY Fouled
Did you SEE that?
I'm talking about the flagrant foul that just took place right in front of God, referees and the viewing public. It was a borderline criminal case of "almost contact," where one player nearly grazes another and both end up screaming on the ground.
"Almost contact" and "semi-contact" are serious offenses, and while blatant in nature, can be difficult to diagnose at times. The following is a run-through of indisputable moments where a player clearly ended up on the ground or in pain, and therefore had to have been fouled.
Remember, everyone: If someone's on the floor or holding their jaw, a foul has been committed. It's just science.
Brek Shea Launches Vicious Assault on Goalkeeper
The Foul: Flagrant moving of the arm toward another human being.
Brek Shea sent Costa Rica's goalkeeper flying to the turf with a vicious arm movement.
As you can see, Shea made contact with the man's body, possibly applying an amount of pressure to his torso in an effort to kill and/or debilitate him. Clearly a red card situation, if not assault with a deadly weapon.
I've seen this type of violence before.
Blake Griffin Steamrolls James Harden
The Foul: Egregious arm pit snuggling/shoulder-ly contact.
Will this never-ending veil of violence ever end?
Blake Griffin T-boned James Harden on the baseline of the Toyota Center in November, reducing the Rockets guard to a sentient pile of gristle and bone meal with a heavy shoulder-to-shoulder crunching.
It was like watching a Scud missile hit a bearded possum, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Jerome Simpson Mauled by Inhuman Brute
The Foul: Bulldozing a man made out of balsa wood.
Unlike most NFL players, Jerome Simpson's bone structure is hollow and formed primarily of Funfetti and model aircraft wood.
It isn't his fault he can be taken down by a wool sock or balled-up paper straw, and the referees were right to continue protecting him as the defenseless bird skeleton he is.
James Harden Blatantly Swats Tony Parker's Basketball
The Foul: Swatting/hitting Tony Parker in the basketball.
I don't know how the refs missed it, but from this angle you can clearly see James Harden chop down on Tony Parker's basketball.
It's unclear how this egregious foul went uncalled, but it's probably because [crackpot theory about the league being against the Spurs].
Tavon Austin KO'd by Late Bump
The Foul: Criminally late helmet-to-helmet nudging.
How Tavon Austin was able to get up after this bumping is a question I'll leave to the philosophers and their lacquered abacus machines.
Philippines Baller Nearly Beheaded by Basketball
The Foul: Bludgeoning opponent with inflated ball.
Mick Pennisi of the Philippines Basketball Association was just another international ballplayer trying to make a name for himself when a vicious attack on his person left him clinging for dear life on the hardwood floor.
As the video evidence shows, No. 45 clearly throws the ball at Pennisi's head, making contact with his "boom-headshot-yeah" button and causing him to fall to the ground. As PBA rules state, tampering with or disposing of an opponent's "boom-headshot" button is grounds for immediate suspension from the league.
Unfortunately, despite the initiatives of sporting officials around the world, boom-headshot-yeah is still the leading cause of PTL—post-traumatic LOL—in athletics.
Soccer Player Almost Crippled by Almost Shot to Groin
The Foul: Almost cleating another player.
I've seen some gruesome almost-injuries in my day, but this almost takes the cake. Almost.
Seal Team Six Takes out Brad Jones
The Foul: Illegal use of snipers.
This should've been a 15-yard penalty on the Giants as well as a $50,000 fine on the organization for improper use of trained sharpshooters.
There was a second gunman here and I aim to prove it.
Soccer Player Deviously Baits Opponent into Slapping Himself
The Foul: Winger slaps defender in the face.
In the hopes of shutting down Bryan Carrasco, this winger slapped the Brazilian back in the face and was rightfully called for a foul.
If you don't believe No. 13 had something to do with this slap, think again. He clearly baited Carrasco into grabbing his arm and slapping himself in the face with it. He merely had to present the tempting limb as bait and let fate do the fest.
It was a ploy worthy of Machiavelli, but unfortunately the referees had the good sense to realize No. 13's intentions and made the right call.
Ronaldo Has the Right Side of His Face Mauled
The Foul: Elbow to the face.
Cristiano took a hard elbow to the right side of his face during this attack against Juventus.
As you can see from the video, Ronaldo received a jackhammer elbow to the left cheek and went down clutching at the right side of his jaw.
While this may seem contradictory, it's just further evidence of how much pain and suffering this young man endured in this moment. His brain had to reroute pain to a part of his face where the nerves hadn't been obliterated after this elbow. Unfathomable.
Paul George Nearly Decapitated by Arm Grace
The Foul: Blatant attempt to commit a Mortal Kombat-style fatality on another player.
♫ Chop Paul George into pieces, this is Wade's last resort. ♫
♫ Decapitation? Not really ♫
♫ Don't really matter 'cause the Pacers got beaten ♫
Video Proof of Shane Battier Targeting in the NBA
The Fouls: A sickening montage of travesties committed against one man.
Shane Battier is a prime example of the unspoken, on-court bullying endemic in the NBA today.
The guy can't walk onto the hardwood without being touched, contacted or having other players' bodies in close vicinity to his body. Tell me this isn't a conspiracy, David Stern.
Dirk Nowitzki Hamstrung at His Own Charity Game
The Foul: A dangerous low blow to the ankles.
Dirk Nowitzki can't even play in his own charity soccer game without risking debilitating injury at the hands of supposed athletes and dubious "philanthropists."
That's not a smile on Dirk's face—that's an involuntary guffaw of agony.
I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight
The Foul: Destroying human life, defiling the corpse.
Redskins linebacker Brian Kehl didn't just snuff out Brian Weatherford's life on national televsion, he hoisted up the punter's limp body like a mad puppet master in a theater of horrors.
Punters are football players, too—and their remains deserve better than a macabre, Weekend at Bernie's charade.
LeBron James and David West: Double Dragon Foul
The Fouls: Bodily contact with other human being, menacing arm whip near opponent's head and/or face.
In one of the most violent episodes we've seen in modern times, David West and LeBron James crashed together like dueling water buffalo during the 2013 Eastern Conference Finals.
The collision was clearly a deliberate attack by both men, who miraculously were able to continue playing despite suffering grievous bodily harm.
Not since the Children's Crusades or Billy Elliot has mankind endeavored in such violence and wanton spinning.
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