Handing out Our 2013 Christmas Gifts to the College Football World

Adam Kramer@kegsneggsNational College Football Lead WriterDecember 23, 2013

TUSCALOOSA, AL - OCTOBER 19:  Head coach Nick Saban of the Alabama Crimson Tide looks on during their 52-0 win over the Arkansas Razorbacks at Bryant-Denny Stadium on October 19, 2013 in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)
Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Finding the perfect gift this time of year can be an impossible exercise, one that is made more challenging with budget limitations and fear of parking lots. 

In the world of college football, this holiday season is often drowned out by bowl games, BCS buildup and even the faint whispers of the recruiting frenzy beginning to come into focus. Not this year, though.

This year, we’re spreading our holiday cheer by finding the perfect gift for coaches, teams, fans and even the NCAA as we sprint toward 2014.

The perfect gift isn’t always about the financials. Sometimes it is—and that really can’t hurt—but finding the ultimate present is more about the tremendous amount of thought that makes it special.

Here’s what we’ll be giving out this holiday season, thoughtfulness included.


AUSTIN, TX - SEPTEMBER 3:  University of Texas fans cheer on the Longhorns as they play the Rice Owls on September 3, 2011 at Darrell K. Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium in Austin, Texas.  This was the debut game for the new Longhorn Network, a partnership be
Erich Schlegel/Getty Images

Christmas Present: A Clone of Nick Saban

What do you give the team that couldn’t lure away Nick Saban from Alabama? Well, Nick Saban, of course.

This required a fair amount of resourcing, but I know a guy who knows a scientist who knows a guy who knows another scientist and so on. It pays to know scientists.

Trying to clone a human wasn’t the most difficult part of this exercise. Getting Nick Saban to agree to this—and then stealing a piece of his hair once he repeatedly shot down the request—proved to be an enormous obstacle.

Don't ask about this part.

Regardless, the Longhorns now have their new head coach and it will only cost them $13 million per season. (There’s a robust cloning tax included in this yearly fee and I also have a $25 million genetics bill I’ll be sending over to the Texas accounting department.)

But they have the money and it's the thought that counts.

Steve Spurrier

Christmas Present: A Bowflex

We’ll throw in a complimentary greens fee at a nearby golf course and a box of Pro V1s to sweeten the deal, but getting the Ol’ Ball Coach’s weight room technique in gear was like priority No. 1.

Let’s talk about this routine, OBC.

Some assembly required, which means this might be set up before fall.

Texas A&M Fans (And All College Football Fans)

BATON ROUGE, LA - NOVEMBER 23:  Quarterback Johnny Manziel #2 of the Texas A&M Aggies drops back to pass against the LSU Tigers at Tiger Stadium on November 23, 2013 in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  (Photo by Sean Gardner/Getty Images)
Sean Gardner/Getty Images

Christmas Present: One More Year of Johnny Manziel

This one required a great deal of work, and we had to get Drake involved. We didn’t feel good about it, but convincing Johnny Manziel to stay one more season required the full court press. 

After a long talk and a few hours of pathetic begging, however, it worked. Manziel will return to Texas A&M for his junior year, which is fantastic news for those in Aggieville and beyond.

We asked Manziel to sign a contract, pledging his commitment for one more season. The only thing we had nearby was an Arby’s napkin, the most official unofficial document you could possibly imagine.

Good luck topping this present. You will not.

Bret Bielema

LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS - NOVEMBER 23:  Head Coach Bret Bielema of the Arkansas Razorbacks points to a official during a game against the Mississippi State Bulldogs at War Memorial Stadium on November 23, 2013 in Little Rock, Arkansas.  The Bulldogs defeate
Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

Christmas Present: A Time Machine

Perhaps Bret Bielema won’t use the time machine to go back to his days at Wisconsin. Heck, maybe he’ll choose to take it back to see a few some dinosaurs, heckle them and then head back to life in the SEC. That sounds lovely.

If, however, he was looking for a coaching mulligan of sorts, hoping to return to his former Badger life, this time machine could be his answer.

Go ahead, Bret. Just step inside real quick. We’ll buckle you in—and yes, this time machine comes with a seatbelt.

Safety first.

Actually, after looking at the contract numbers at Arkansas, here’s an even better question: what’s he getting us?

Every College Team

TUCSON, AZ - NOVEMBER 23:  kicker Jon Mora #97 of the Arizona State Sun Devils kicks a feld goal against the Arizona Wildcats during the college football game at Arizona Stadium on November 23, 2012 in Tucson, Arizona.  The Sun Devils defeated the Wildcat
Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Christmas Present: A Succesful College Kicker

It’s not necessarily the gift you want, but it’s the gift you need. Like an electric toothbrush, new underwear, a vacuum, or a new a toiletry bag so you can finally put that old, disgusting "leather" case to rest.

This is out of love, because necessity is love. We have an epidemic on our hands that requires solving.

Does every college football team need a kicker? Not every one, but most certainly do. And those that feel comfortable with their kicking game at the moment can keep this backup kicker handy for when the time is right.

And knowing how the kicking works in college football, that time will be soon.

Al Golden

TAMPA, FL - SEPTEMBER 28:  Miami Hurricanes head coach Al Golden walks the sidelines during the first quarter against the South Florida Bulls on September 28, 2013 at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida.  (Photo by Brian Blanco/Getty Images)
Brian Blanco/Getty Images

Christmas Present: A Year Supply of White Dress Shirts and Orange Ties

“How did you know?!?!”

A joyful Al Golden opens up his crate of clothing items that was placed under his tree with the helping metallic arms of a forklift. He has the look of a young boy that just opened up his dream video game system, with a sprinkle in his eye that touches us all.

When your wardrobe consists of only white dress shirts and school-centric ties, even as pajamas, sometimes you need to replenish. We're here to help.

Enjoy it, Al. And we’ll be sure to bring another crate in 2014.

Will Muschamp

NEW ORLEANS, LA - JANUARY 02:  Head coach Will Muschamp of the Florida Gators reacts after failing to get a time out in the third quarter against the Louisville Cardinals during the Allstate Sugar Bowl at Mercedes-Benz Superdome on January 2, 2013 in New
Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Christmas Present: Yoga Sessions

He asked for a quarterback, but we’re running out of funds and the Christmas magic can only go so far. We exhausted our budget on that Nick Saban clone and getting a college kicker for every team proved to be costly.

But for Florida’s chalkboard-destroying head coach, we’ve decided to give him the gift of serenity this year. He may not like it at first, but yoga is exactly what Will Muschamp needs.

The only catch is he has to video tape each session, because Will Muschamp doing yoga is approaching Pay-Per-View status.


INDIANAPOLIS, IN - JULY 23: NCAA president Mark Emmert (R) speaks as Ed Ray, chairman of the NCAA's executive committee and Oregon State president looks on, during a press conference at the NCAA's headquarters to announce sanctions against Penn State Univ
Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Christmas Present: Coal

Merry Christmas, NCAA!

You can put this year’s fresh batch of coal next to last year’s batch. And if you saved the coal from the prior years, you can put them together to create a magnificent coal display.

It's not what you asked for, but it's what you deserve.

And it’s the gift that keeps on giving.


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