Finding the perfect gift this time of year can be an impossible exercise, one that is made more challenging with budget limitations and fear of parking lots.
In the world of college football, this holiday season is often drowned out by bowl games, BCS buildup and even the faint whispers of the recruiting frenzy beginning to come into focus. Not this year, though.
This year, we’re spreading our holiday cheer by finding the perfect gift for coaches, teams, fans and even the NCAA as we sprint toward 2014.
The perfect gift isn’t always about the financials. Sometimes it is—and that really can’t hurt—but finding the ultimate present is more about the tremendous amount of thought that makes it special.
Here’s what we’ll be giving out this holiday season, thoughtfulness included.
Christmas Present: A Clone of Nick Saban
What do you give the team that couldn’t lure away Nick Saban from Alabama? Well, Nick Saban, of course.
This required a fair amount of resourcing, but I know a guy who knows a scientist who knows a guy who knows another scientist and so on. It pays to know scientists.
Trying to clone a human wasn’t the most difficult part of this exercise. Getting Nick Saban to agree to this—and then stealing a piece of his hair once he repeatedly shot down the request—proved to be an enormous obstacle.
Don't ask about this part.
Regardless, the Longhorns now have their new head coach and it will only cost them $13 million per season. (There’s a robust cloning tax included in this yearly fee and I also have a $25 million genetics bill I’ll be sending over to the Texas accounting department.)
But they have the money and it's the thought that counts.
Christmas Present: A Bowflex
We’ll throw in a complimentary greens fee at a nearby golf course and a box of Pro V1s to sweeten the deal, but getting the Ol’ Ball Coach’s weight room technique in gear was like priority No. 1.
Let’s talk about this routine, OBC.
Some assembly required, which means this might be set up before fall.
Texas A&M Fans (And All College Football Fans)
Christmas Present: One More Year of Johnny Manziel
This one required a great deal of work, and we had to get Drake involved. We didn’t feel good about it, but convincing Johnny Manziel to stay one more season required the full court press.
After a long talk and a few hours of pathetic begging, however, it worked. Manziel will return to Texas A&M for his junior year, which is fantastic news for those in Aggieville and beyond.
We asked Manziel to sign a contract, pledging his commitment for one more season. The only thing we had nearby was an Arby’s napkin, the most official unofficial document you could possibly imagine.
Good luck topping this present. You will not.
Christmas Present: A Time Machine
Perhaps Bret Bielema won’t use the time machine to go back to his days at Wisconsin. Heck, maybe he’ll choose to take it back to see a few some dinosaurs, heckle them and then head back to life in the SEC. That sounds lovely.
If, however, he was looking for a coaching mulligan of sorts, hoping to return to his former Badger life, this time machine could be his answer.
Go ahead, Bret. Just step inside real quick. We’ll buckle you in—and yes, this time machine comes with a seatbelt.
Actually, after looking at the contract numbers at Arkansas, here’s an even better question: what’s he getting us?
Every College Team
Christmas Present: A Succesful College Kicker
It’s not necessarily the gift you want, but it’s the gift you need. Like an electric toothbrush, new underwear, a vacuum, or a new a toiletry bag so you can finally put that old, disgusting "leather" case to rest.
This is out of love, because necessity is love. We have an epidemic on our hands that requires solving.
Does every college football team need a kicker? Not every one, but most certainly do. And those that feel comfortable with their kicking game at the moment can keep this backup kicker handy for when the time is right.
And knowing how the kicking works in college football, that time will be soon.
Christmas Present: A Year Supply of White Dress Shirts and Orange Ties
“How did you know?!?!”
A joyful Al Golden opens up his crate of clothing items that was placed under his tree with the helping metallic arms of a forklift. He has the look of a young boy that just opened up his dream video game system, with a sprinkle in his eye that touches us all.
When your wardrobe consists of only white dress shirts and school-centric ties, even as pajamas, sometimes you need to replenish. We're here to help.
Enjoy it, Al. And we’ll be sure to bring another crate in 2014.
Christmas Present: Yoga Sessions
He asked for a quarterback, but we’re running out of funds and the Christmas magic can only go so far. We exhausted our budget on that Nick Saban clone and getting a college kicker for every team proved to be costly.
But for Florida’s chalkboard-destroying head coach, we’ve decided to give him the gift of serenity this year. He may not like it at first, but yoga is exactly what Will Muschamp needs.
The only catch is he has to video tape each session, because Will Muschamp doing yoga is approaching Pay-Per-View status.
Christmas Present: Coal
Merry Christmas, NCAA!
You can put this year’s fresh batch of coal next to last year’s batch. And if you saved the coal from the prior years, you can put them together to create a magnificent coal display.
It's not what you asked for, but it's what you deserve.
And it’s the gift that keeps on giving.