Brace yourself, this is going to be a rough couple weeks of wrestling.
The biggest question on every wrestling fan's mind right now isn't "When will Daniel Bryan get a title shot?" but rather "How will WWE top Mae Young giving birth to Hornswoggle this holiday season?"
Overall, Raw and SmackDown were pretty decent this past week. With the holidays coming up, they're in a bit of a holding pattern. There wasn't a lot of excitement, but there wasn't much nonsense either. We even got a Raw main event for free that was better than the one on the pay-per-view. So there really shouldn't be anything to complain about, right?
Actually yes, yes there is.
Let's waste no more time and check out the piles of garbage that WWE stuffed under our trees this holiday season and dive into the worst of the week!
There is something about WWE that irks me to no end. It's when the company books handicap matches, has the good guy amazingly overcome the odds (which happens about 95 percent of the time) and then expects us to get invested in a rematch when the odds are then made even!
At TLC, Punk defeated The Shield by himself in a 13-minute match. Sure, there was some miscommunication between the trio, but three professionally trained fighters should be able to decimate one man, no matter who they are.
For all I care, any future matchup between Dean Ambrose, or Seth Rollins or Roman Reigns fighting Punk one-on-one has now been rendered pointless. Imagine the Bulls somehow defeating the Timberwolves and the Celtics with 10 players against only five, then the NBA expects us to care about the Bulls taking on the Wolves five-on-five again.
In the UFC, imagine if GSP won a match against three other fighters but then the next month, he had to fight one of those guys again, only this time in just a traditional one-on-one bout. No one would care, because we just saw one man beat multiple men!
On Raw, though, The Shield took on Punk again. This time with partners. Why? He already won by himself!
And don't forget, The Shield is basically the best stable in wrestling history, right? That’s what the announcers keep telling us. Though I can’t remember a single time that Hogan, Hall and Nash lost a handicapped match to Diamond Dallas Page or Sting. I don’t remember all of DX losing to Steve Austin. Though I do recall 3MB losing quite a few handicapped matches. Huh?
WWE, you do not have any monster heels. You should protect a potential one that you have!
For reasons not yet fully understood, The Big Show and Mark Henry were turned face, even though both are far more effective as heels.
Brodus Clay was jerked around when he was set to debut as a monster heel a couple of years ago, and instead he became a dancing idiot. Finally, and mercifully, he turned on Tensai. WWE wasted no time in killing any momentum he had, though, by having him lose to R-Truth at TLC. Then on Raw, he was kicked out of the ring by Xavier Woods and R-Truth. To top things off, on SmackDown, Woods got the better of him again.
WWE should have asked itself "What will Tensai/A-Train/Prince Albert gain by winning cheaply against Clay?" The answer is: absolutely nothing. No one is going to now suddenly buy him as a credible threat. The man has never got over in his entire WWE career (sorry Matt Bloom, you do seem like a nice guy, though!).
The company should have wondered how losing would hurt Clay. The answer is: quite a bit.
WWE has somehow completely forgot that there are other ways to build a feud than having the secondary champions lose every single non-title match they're in.
This week alone, Cody Rhodes and Goldust lost twice. Once just wasn't good enough.
Here's an idea for building a feud: How about letting the champions talk? But it never happens! When is the last time Goldust has got to talk for even five whole seconds on Raw or SmackDown. Months? The team is still, somehow, over with the fans despite always remaining silent.
It's a shame, as Goldust is always fun on the mic, and Cody cut the best promo of his career when he was fired as part of a storyline. Yet they apparently having nothing to say. They show up, wrestle every night and lose. How are fans supposed to get behind that?
The Brotherhood (if you will) has now lost their last four two-on-two non-title matches in a row. They are the Tag Team champs, not 3MB.
Man, WWE is so hip and current. It puts The Daily Show to shame when it comes to taking political jabs. Except that no one watching knew what the company was doing, and even when we found out, it still wasn’t funny.
On Raw, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole and JBL stopped announcing mid-match so they could take a picture of themselves. Lawler failed the first time, so he tried again. It was a bit of an odd moment, a bit lame overall you could say. Most of us just went on with our lives and didn't think about it.
OK, well that fell flat. The reason it wasn’t funny is because the announcers taking pictures of themselves is just something WWE announcers are stupid enough to do for no reason! This is the company that had Jerry Lawler order a pizza on air, had Michael Cole announce from a plexiglass box for months and where Vince pulled objects out of Jim Ross’ butt for 20 minutes.
So WWE aimed an already dated joke at the president in exchange for making its own matches seem even less important than usual. Was it really worth it? If so, then that's change I just can't believe in.
Santa, if you’re out there (up there? I have no idea where you are...), the only thing I want for Christmas is to not have to watch a Santa Claus match on Raw.
Now, I haven’t read the spoilers, but I’m going to assume that Mark Henry wins this thing and that Christmas is saved. No reason to cancel your travel plans.
Now, WWE may just be trying to have a little Christmas fun, but I'll play Scrooge here and try to explain why this is a gift-wrapped bucket of vomit just waiting to be opened. In the world that WWE presents to us on TV, Damien Sandow and Mark Henry must have independently, and willingly, started to dress up as Santa for some reason and asked children to sit on there laps, right?
If not, then whose idea (within the context of the show) was it?
Did HHH and Stephanie tell Henry and Sandow to portray Santa? Even if they did, who decided the stipulations of this match? How would Sandow cancel Christmas if he wanted to? If they didn't come up with this on their own, then we're only left to assume that, within WWE's world, these two must have taken orders from someone. So does that mean that all wrestlers are told what to do? Or just these guys?
Now besides how awful this entire setup is, try to think of a match on Raw within the past five years that had more promotion one week ahead of time than this!
I guess this is still a little classier than WWE murdering Santa in cold blood like last Christmas, but it's still worse than eating a fruitcake that’s spent a week in a urinal.
Time to kick out.
Well, that's all for this week. Agree? Disagree? Am I being a Grinch? Sound off below and thanks for reading! Also, if you have 90 minutes to kill this holiday season, check out a new podcast I'm a part of called Wrestling With Friends. That's right, gather up your friends and loved ones and enjoy some wrestling rants. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!