Chicks love athletes.
Everyone knows it. Guys know it. Girls know it. It's just a fact.
Lots of the time, it's not even clear what the appeal is. Some of these guys are obviously in peak physical condition; that's a plus. Some of them have lots and lots of money; that's probably a plus in most circles, too. Some of them are attractive, and even though others aren't, Factors 1 and 2 make up for it in the eyes of many.
So for all you gold-digging jersey chasers out there, let's investigate the most eligible of the eligible bachelors in sports.
A few necessary criteria:
1. It's hard to keep track of who's dating who and whether or not they broke up and if and when they got back together. So let's make this simple: If they're not engaged, they're eligible.
2. They need to be able to do this:
3. They have to play a sport.
And with that, let the games begin.
I'm not quite sure why this is a dishonorable mention, but I know it is. It has to be.
Sure, there are girls out there who would probably date him, but at this point, the jig is up: We know that no female could possibly date him because she actually likes him.
But, given the fact that A-Rod is objectively somewhat attractive and has more millions than anyone could use in a single lifetime, I suppose he does qualify as an eligible bachelor.
A-Rod's been married before, and you better like kids, because he has two of them. He also has had several high-profile romances with the likes of Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson and more, so if you're famous, even better.
Hopefully, you're also OK with your man being the laughingstock of the sports world, too. Maybe the money and the centaur portrait make up for it.
Mike Trout just barely makes the cut because even though he's (barely) old enough to drink, he's no longer a teenager. So this one's for you, little ladies.
Trout is one of the brightest stars in Major League Baseball at the ripe old age of 22. He was named the AL's Rookie of the Year in 2012, and if it weren't for that pesky Miguel Cabrera, he might have a couple of MVPs on his resume, too. Pretty good for someone who's only been in the league for parts of three seasons.
Plus, once his current contract runs out, he's in store for a very, very big payday, according to ESPN. So get in line, ladies.
The only thing standing in between Tyler Seguin and a long, happy career with the Boston Bruins was a lady who could tame him.
Seguin was a second overall draft pick. He's widely regarded as one of the most talented players in the NHL, though he hasn't quite reached his fullest potential yet. Why? Some blame it on his tendency to put just a little bit too much importance on his social life.
So maybe when he finally finds the one Seguinista out there who makes the single life seem like a drag, he'll become the superstar he was always meant to be. In the meantime, he's still got a couple of things going for him: He leads the Dallas Stars in points and in goals, and he's in the first year of a six-year deal that pays him $5.75 million per season.
Here's the thing about baseball players: You have to jump on the bandwagon right when it starts rolling. Otherwise, it's too late.
Max Scherzer's bandwagon started rolling pretty much during his first start of 2013. He's always been a solid starter, but for a long time, he lived in the shadow of Justin Verlander.
He lives in that shadow no more. Scherzer broke out in a big way in 2013, going 21-3 with a 2.90 ERA and a career-high 240 strikeouts. Even though he and his Detroit Tigers couldn't hold it together in the ALCS against the Boston Red Sox, he still won the Cy Young, which is a pretty good consolation prize.
Also, he's probably on the verge of signing a hefty new contract, so there's that.
Seriously, ladies, Gronk needs someone to nurse him back to health. No, really. Tom Brady will be forever grateful to you.
Rob Gronkowski has the potential to be the best tight end in the history of the NFL. The only problem is he can't stay healthy.
He's had an array of serious injuries over the last couple of seasons—a broken forearm, a busted back and a torn ACL/MCL among them—and yet he has no one to sit at his bedside. He has no one to push him through the grocery store. He has no one to keep him from dancing on tables and wrestling people in bars.
On a more serious note: If you're going to pounce on Gronk, you probably should do it soon. I don't mean to sound callous, but if he can't get healthy, the cash flow could be drying up pretty soon.
Come on. Who doesn't want to pull a Dion Phaneuf and pick up where Kim Kardashian left off?
Kris Humphries is embarking on a new beginning in life. He is formally rid of the disaster that was his marriage to the soon-to-be Mrs. Kanye. He's out of Brooklyn and has moved on to Boston, where his surprisingly not-that-bad Celtics are one of the top teams in the (somewhat inept) Eastern Conference. He hasn't made headlines for the wrong reasons in, like, two weeks, which is a big deal.
And he used to be married to Kim Kardashian. Not that that makes him attractive in any way, but it definitely makes him...intriguing.
Given that the perennial ladies' choice in the world of soccer is sadly off the market, we'll have to accept the next best thing. And that is Lionel Messi.
No, he's not Cristiano Ronaldo, but he's kind of close, right? The Barcelona forward has some pretty impressive stats to his name—he is the current record holder for the most hat-tricks in the history of the Champions League, for instance—and in 2011-12, he scored 73 goals, good for the European record.
He also just had a baby with his lady, but hey, that didn't keep Matt Leinart off the market back in the day (or his lady). So he meets the criteria.
When it comes time for the World Cup this summer, he's probably going to blow up even more, so act fast.
He's the captain of a team that has won two Stanley Cups since 2010. Isn't that enough to sway you?
Jonathan Toews is a chill dude. He earned the C of the Chicago Blackhawks at the tender age of 20 because that's how much of a boss he is. Sure, there are lots of times that his buddy Patrick Kane commands most of the media's attention, but that kind of seems like the way Toews prefers it.
He doesn't like to make headlines. He just likes to do his job on the ice and then go home, rather than go to Wisconsin and drunkenly terrorize college campuses.
Plus, from 2008-11, he registered three consecutive seasons with 68 or more points, so that's pretty legit. And he's currently the highest-paid member of the 'Hawks (tied with Kane), and when he hits free agency in 2015, he's due for a big, big raise.
Cam Newton has always been one of the most eligible bachelors in the NFL simply because he's young, he's a quarterback and he's not married.
But now, he really is one of the most eligible, given that he and the Carolina Panthers are finally living up to the hype.
Newton, as it stands, is the signal-caller on the consensus pick to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl this year. If he makes it to the big game, he is going to blow up even more than he already has for being a Heisman Trophy winner and a head-spinning playmaker. So yeah, he won't last long on this market.
I should note that the intrepid Diary of a Hollywood Street King blog has a bit of a bone to pick with Cammy and his dating habits, but if you're not afraid of that...press onward.
He's like Mike Trout, except with a little more swagger.
Bryce Harper is kind of exactly what you'd expect when you think of a guy in his early 20s who emerged into the major leagues as a boss. Harper set off an absolute frenzy when he got called up to the Washington Nationals and proceeded to become the youngest player to steal home since the '60s, as well as the youngest player to hit a home run since Adrian Beltre in 1998.
He also took home Rookie of the Year and set the world on fire with his infamous "That's a clown question, bro" declaration.
With his help, the Nationals have built themselves into an actual legitimate team, and—here's the best part—Scott Boras is his agent, so when his contract runs out in 2015, this former first overall pick is going to get paid.
Come on. Who wouldn't want to go on a few dates with a guy who can't keep a spot on an NFL roster to save his life?
Line up, ladies. This dude is single. The former Heisman Trophy winner and two-time BCS champion may not have really caught on in the NFL, but he sure is a nice guy. And no matter how little success he encounters, Tebow always manages to stay famous. So guess what? You could be famous, too!
Plus, there's always one place in the world he will forever remain a legend, even if he never gets another NFL tryout again: Gainesville, Fla.
And hey, if Tim Tebow gets snatched up before you get an opportunity, you could always try Mark Sanchez.
Evgeni Malkin may not be a classic model type, but that doesn't lessen his appeal.
The Penguins forward may or may not be in a relationship with any of the girls he enjoys making out with while being photographed, but those ladies seem to agree that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so you're in good company if you have a thing for the Russian centerman.
Rafa. The dream of tennis fangirls everywhere.
It's not hard to see why the ladies go crazy when Rafael Nadal is on the court. He's young, he looks good in a headband and he is arguably the best men's singles player on the planet (when healthy, of course).
Rafa has been on a pretty excellent run over the last couple of years, when he's won the French Open (twice) and the U.S. Open. He's won all four Grand Slams at least once, and of course, he's the only male player to win any Grand Slam eight times (the French Open is his BFF).
Oh, and according to this, he's already worth $80 million and he's only 27.
Talk about someone who is on the verge of getting paid.
He may not be this year's Heisman winner, but it's safe to say that people are pretty pumped to see how Johnny Manziel fares once he hits the NFL. And even though there are plenty of stellar college quarterbacks who have fizzled once they hit the big time, you can be sure that some unlucky NFL team is going to overpay to find out how Johnny Football will do.
He's just like Evgeni Malkin, except smaller, whinier and universally detested outside of Pittsburgh!
Just kidding. Sid the Kid does have some redeeming qualities. For one thing, he's the youngest captain in the history of the NHL to win the Stanley Cup, and he did accomplish the impossible: He brought the Penguins to the mountaintop one season after they tried and failed to get there against the Detroit Red Wings. It's hard to do that.
Also, pretty much any time you look at the NHL points leaders, you're going to see his name at the top of the list. So that's pretty good.
And also, some of the ladies find his whole Andy Samberg vibe attractive. So yes, you could say that Sidney Crosby is a catch.
True, he was more appealing at this time last year, when he came out of nowhere to steal Alex Smith's job, lead the San Francisco 49ers to the Super Bowl and make Jim Harbaugh look like an absolute genius in the process.
Things aren't going as well for Colin Kaepernick this year. But hey, he's only 26, so he has time to get back there again.
Last year, Kaepernick—a former Nevada quarterback who went to the Niners in the second round of the 2011 draft—started the season as Smith's backup. He ended it with a trip to the Super Bowl, an NFL single-game record for rushing yards by a quarterback and one of the most electrifying postseason performances by any player in the history of the NFL.
If he sounds good to you...I hope you like tattoos.
Kate Upton may or may not have broken his heart. But if she did, don't you want to be the one to bring him back to life?
It seems like every year, if one of his teammates isn't the best pitcher in baseball, Justin Verlander is. He's won pretty much every award there is to win in baseball: He's been Rookie of the Year, a league MVP, a pitching Triple Crown winner, an ERA champion, a six-time All-Star and a Cy Young winner. Oh, and he's also pitched two no-hitters.
Plus, he's just such a darn nice guy. He really is kind of the perfect package. We'll never know why it didn't work out with him and Kate...if they did actually break up. The story changes on that every day.
What Derek Jeter* is to baseball, Tim Duncan is to basketball. (*Don't worry. I didn't forget about him.)
Tim Duncan is perfect in just about every way. His list of accomplishments is seemingly never-ending. He's won four rings. He's been the finals MVP three times. He's a 14-time NBA All-Star, a 10-time All-NBA First Teamer and an eight-time member of the All-Defensive First Team.
And, most importantly, Duncan is newly single at the age of 37: He and his college sweetheart called it quits this summer after 12 years of marriage and an ugly five months of turmoil. If you didn't love this dude already, he managed to take his team to the NBA Finals despite the dissolution of his personal life—and he never even brought it up.
If you weren't heartbroken on his behalf already, read on about why the marriage ended.
There's not much of anything going on in between his ears, but still...he sure is pretty.
Is he really this dumb, or is he pretending to be because, um, it's hilarious? We'll never know, but does it even matter? Does anyone listen to him when he speaks, anyway?
Ryan Lochte may never be Michael Phelps in the pool, but he sure makes up for it with his antics outside of it. He is so quotable that he earned his own E! reality show. (Obviously, his appearance had nothing to do with it.)
It's not like he has nothing else going for him: He's an 11-time Olympic medalist—no big deal. And five of those are gold. If it weren't for his buddy Mike, those numbers would probably look pretty darn spectacular.
And don't listen to his mom. The right girl can change him.
It's only fair that Derek Jeter retain his rightful spot at the top of this list. He's like the George Clooney of professional sports. He'll always be the most eligible bachelor, no matter how many young guns come along and try to take his place.
For a while, it looked like he and Minka Kelly were the real deal. It looked like she would finally be the one to take him off the market. But like all of those who came before her, it just wasn't meant to be, and Jeter went right back on the market.
And thank God for that, because of these stories—just wow.
Jeter is everything. He's a five-time World Series champion. He's beloved not only by New York Yankees fans, but also by pretty much all baseball fans, which is something very few others have managed to do. He's classy. He does his talking on the field, never off it. And he feels the same way about A-Rod the rest of the world does, which is the best part.
Derek Jeter, you may be in the twilight of your career now, but you'll always be the No. 1 eligible bachelor in everyone's heart.