Turning The Tables: Pat Forde Meets The Press (Satire)

Mark Thomason by Contributor Written on May 31, 2009
LEXINGTON, KY - FEBRUARY 28:  Jodie Meeks #23 of the Kentucky Wildcats shoots the ball during the SEC game against the LSU Tigers at Rupp Arena on February 28, 2009 in Lexington, Kentucky.  LSU won 73-70.  (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images) (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)
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PF: That's true. There are privacy laws. But there are ways to get around them. You see what usually happens is some angry liberal socialist professor who is angry about all the money pro athletes make and the fact that schools give out athletic scholarships at all will just illegally leak transcripts. That way, guys like me don't get nailed for any laws we might break, and we don't get called on the hypocrisy of lambasting a system that pays me to cover college sports for a living. 

Q: You stated following John Calipari's hiring at Kentucky that he "operates in the gray area." Can you elaborate on that?

PF: Sure. It's very simple. He's never actually been in trouble with the NCAA, so since I don't have facts I can use, I just rely on rumor and innuendo.

Q: Don't you find it somewhat sad that this is what sports writing has degenerated into?

PF: Absoltely not. I'm proud of it. And I'll take it a step further. If I can't get a guy on rumor and innuendo, I'll just make something up and cite "unnamed sources." Like I did in my recent article when stated that "ESPN.COM spoke to several college basketball coaches" and asked them about they're knowledge of situations similar to Reggie Rose flying on the team plane.

Q: Who were those coaches exactly Mr. Forde?

PF: I won't reveal my sources.

Q: With all do respect Mr. Forde, this isn't exactly a matter of national security we're talking about here. You couldn't find one coach out of the 300 or so division 1 coaches to go on the record about something as mundane as "travel procedures?" I find that hard to believe.

PF: So do I. I mean, uh, uh, next question. 

Q: You cited the fact that as Umass coach in 1996, the team's Final Four appearance was vacated after if was revealed that Marcus Camby accepted money from agents. Accepting money from agents is perhaps the most egregious behavior a student athlete can engage and is very foolish considering Camby was months away from becoming rich. Do you honestly believe that John Calipari would have been foolish enough to be complicit in this situation?

PF: What do you mean?

Q: Surely Calipari wouldn't have risked his reputation by encouraging Camby to accept money from agents. Or do you think he would do something so brazen?

PF: No comment.

Q: So when student-athletes work for four years and earn their degrees, they are denigrated and have their legitimacy questioned, and when a 20 year-old like Camby makes a dumb mistake and returns the money no less, it is the coach's fault.

PF: In my world, yes!

Q: It was mentioned in your article that Reggie Rose's presence on the team plane is being called into question. You stated the following: "what is an associate of a player doing on the team plane?" It is common knowledge that the boosters who fund college sports programs are given preferential treatment by schools and often travel on team charters. So do you believe that it is fair that boosters can buy space on team charters but family members can't?

PF: Of course it's not fair. But the NCAA has so many dopey rules, and if I have to try and nail Cal on some stupid technicality that no reasonable person would care about, then so be it.

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written on May 31, 2009 Humor

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