The Least Important Sports Instagrams of 2013
Social media sites such as Twitter and Instagram are extremely popular, at least in part because of the direct access they provide to otherwise inaccessible people. Although there’s obviously something in it for both parties, there is still a downside to that type of link.
Many fans, for instance, now think athletes should be required to listen to every terrible or ridiculous thing they have to say. Athletes, on the other hand, often think that a massive following on Instagram means the public is absolutely desperate to know every detail of their lives.
Many athletes tend to favor a “quantity over quality” approach to the photos they post online, resulting in an awful lot of duds. Not all Instagram photos are created equal; not by a long shot. In fact, the vast majority of the aforementioned photos are big dull duds.
Unpleasant or just downright unimportant, here are the worst sports Instagrams of 2013.
The Giants' Antrel Rolle is, apparently, as passionate about the Heat as he is about his own TEAM. So all you Big Three haters out there can kiss his natural ass.
As opposed to his unnatural ass?
Also…”Good to the last drop” is the advertising tagline for Maxwell House coffee, not Kool-Aid.
Follow-up recommendation: More notes of Rolle passionately misusing advertising taglines, like “Break me off a piece of that…awesome can of Pepsi.”
Considering Lewis Hamilton is a Formula 1 driver who was recently engaged to Pussycat Dolls sexpot singer Nicole Scherzinger, you’d think his life would probably be pretty interesting.
Well, perhaps it is, but it’s not so interesting that he can’t find plenty of time to bowl. With a score like 198, you know Hamilton isn’t just the occasional drunken bowler.
Follow-up recommendation: Scores from various games of Words With Friends.
Jamaican sprint athlete Usain Bolt is quite the jetsetter, as you can see just from looking at this photo. Clearly he’s in the vicinity of an airport—well, either that or he just enjoys hanging out in parking lots with luggage.
Follow-up recommendation: He could stand next to some grocery bags in the parking lot near his car or some UPS packages outside his neighbor’s house.
American alpine skier Lindsey Vonn actually has one of the most entertaining Instagram accounts in sports. That being said, clearly they can’t all be winners.
This photo of Vonn holding an eyelash curler in the vague vicinity of her very made-up face is a still from a Tweezerman commercial. Not a McDonalds commercial, as you likely suspected.
Follow-up recommendation: Vonn holding up socks to her feet after she puts on her shoes and socks and/or her holding up a blow dryer to an already perfectly style ‘do.
PGA golfer Rickie Fowler is brought to you by four things: Puma, Red Bull, Oklahoma State University and Titleist. His Instagram feed is basically an ever-growing shrine to all of these things.
It was actually difficult to decide on a single photo that demonstrates the soulless corporate marketing shill Fowler is, but in the end I thought this one summed up his Instagram account—and his very existence—the best.
There’s nothing boxer Floyd “Money” Mayweather cherishes more on this planet than Floyd Mayweather. Well, that and, of course, money.
The fact that Floyd Mayweather sits around reading magazines about himself is pretty much the least surprising thing ever.
The only thing less surprising is when he beats up on the lowly scrubs he schedules to fight.
Follow-up recommendation: How about a vine of Mayweather listening to people on television talking about him? That's assuming that doesn’t already exist…which it probably does.
As inane as the constant stream of full plates clogging up our Instagram feeds is, the Cavaliers' Kyrie Irving found a way to put that all in perspective.
What’s worse than chronicling your every meal for the public? Chronicling your leftovers.
Follow-up recommendation: Perhaps he’d be willing to indulge us with a pile of dirty napkins, a bucket of discarded sunflower seeds or a photo of the toilet after he’s done using it.
American soccer star Sydney Leroux’s popularity skyrocketed in 2013 and, for the most part, she can do no wrong on Instagram. Aside from frequently posting fortunes from fortune cookies, this is as close as she comes to wrong.
A few months ago Leroux posted this photo of sunglasses with absolutely no explanation, and yet more than 4,000 people “liked” it. Here’s what they had to say: “Omg!!!,” “love you Sid!!!!,” “Flava!,” “Ooohhhooo,” and “I love you so much.”
Follow-up recommendation: Frankly, it seems like folks are pretty fond of the sunglasses, so maybe a lot more of those? You gotta give the people what they want.
San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is a pretty interesting character, which is why there’s no excuse for him routinely posting photos this stupid on Instagram.
In case you were wondering—and I do realize you weren’t—this was Kaepernick’s makeshift airplane bed that he recently utilized for 5.5 hours on a trip back to San Francisco.
Follow-up recommendation: How about the discarded hospital gown laying on the floor after his next physical? That would just be riveting.
Katherine Webb, the girlfriend of Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron, shot to stardom during the BCS Championship game last January because Brent Musburger was so bored by Notre Dame sucking that he had to find something else to talk about.
Since then Webb has become extremely popular on social media and, for the most part, she gives the people what she wants, relentlessly promoting her very aesthetically pleasing self. And OMG, you guys, SHE’S ON VINE NOW!
Follow-up recommendation: How about some screenshots of her friend count on Facebook or followers on Twitter and Instagram!
If someone pointing down at their shoes from various angles and constantly posting photos of it is something that interests you, consider following the Kings’ DeMarcus Cousins on Instagram.
Although, if that doesn’t interest you, I’d steer clear. Aside from the occasional curveball (like him pointing to his bare feet) that’s pretty much all you’re going to get from Boogie.
Follow-up recommendation: Pointing to the shoes of other people, preferably strangers.
When he posted this last March, 49ers tight end Vernon Davis claimed his favorite snack of all time is SPAM. And he gave no reason to indicate he was anything but serious.
Follow-up recommendation: Brightly colored cartoons that reveal his feelings on Vienna sausages, potted meat and that disgusting whole chicken in a can. (::barrrrf::)
Real Madrid superstar Cristiano Ronaldo makes a very good second income as an underwear model. Judging by the photos he posts to Instagram, he’s very proud of that.
The underwear photos wouldn't be as ridiculously unimportant if they were something more than pictures of billboards and official ad campaigns, but they aren't.
Follow-up recommendation: How about a few photos of him not in his underwear? By that I mean in actual clothes, not nude. Unless you’re into that.
Last January, professional golfer Ben Crane posted this ode to the yardage book organization and, to a somewhat lesser extent, his wife.
Without both of which all of those neatly organized useless papers would be crumpled in his glove box.
Follow-up recommendation: The organization situation in his sock and underwear drawer(s).
The Cardinals' Darnell Dockett seems to fancy himself a bit of an Instagram artist. He has a number of multi-photo posts like this, with various body parts working as part of a series.
Follow-up recommendation: I think it’s best not to put any ideas in his head.
Hey look! U.S. women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo got some dirt and/or grass clippings on her arm during the course of playing soccer. What an absolutely stunning turn of events!
Solo was still able to go on like nothing happened. #wcw #hopesolo #havehope Wow...she's such a fighter, you guys! (Have hope…seriously?)
Follow-up recommendation: A pile of dirty laundry, her muddy cleats sitting in an empty entry way and…how about some grass clippings on the side of her knee?
The only way this Instagram photo of American Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps sleeping on a private plane could be any worse or less important would be if it was actually a photo of Ryan Lochte.
Follow-up recommendation: Other photos of Phelps performing basic human functions, such as chewing, blinking, urinating and brushing his teeth.
So…uh…Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel was chilling by the pool one day last summer and took this (absolutely vital to the future of the world) photo of an empty inner tube.
An empty inner tube in front of an…empty pool…in front of…empty lawn chairs…right next to…a blank projection screen.
Follow-up recommendation: An empty car…in an empty parking lot…in a secluded part of campus.
Ever wonder what Heat point guard Mario Chalmers is spending all his money on? Now you know a very small percentage of it goes toward the purchase of Calypso lemonades.
Actually, he probably gets this blue crap for free, so forget all that. Somehow this really stupid Instagram is that much more annoying.
Follow-up recommendation: Photos of other things that he buys by the case, such as salsa, paper towels or deodorant.
Are you a weirdo with a creepy old man crush on American gymnast McKayla Maroney? Well now if you ever meet up with her while she’s drinking underage at a club or something, you’ve got yourself a conversation starter.
We all know Ms. Maroney isn’t impressed by much, but one thing that seems to excite her is Halls Breezers pectin throat drops. Sayeth McKayla, “Ughh they’re TOO good…I just eat them!!” Ooooh she just eats them! As opposed to sticking them in her ears.
Follow-up recommendation: Photos of her favorite brand of tissue and preferred over-the-counter cold medicine, along with some action shots of her utilizing them.
In August, the Eagles' Connor Barwin posted this photo of him “recovering,” apparently. What a glimpse into his training it was!
Follow-up recommendation: A pile of discarded Band-Aids and various ointments.
Obviously every time American soccer star/national treasure Alex Morgan does something, it’s about a billion times more important than if it was done by someone else.
That should tell you something about how dreadfully unimportant a photo of your morning cup of coffee would be and why you really don’t need to post it on Instagram.
Follow-up recommendation: A tall glass of ice water—preferably a half-empty glass with a comment about #hydration—she’s enjoying before the waiter returns to take her order.
The Trail Blazers' LaMarcus Aldridge employs a mobile barber when he’s on the road. You know someone’s a mobile barber, according to Aldridge, when they bring their own chair to his hotel.
That actually makes sense. If the mobile barber brought a trunk full of toys and candy instead of a chair, for instance, you might wonder if he’s really a mobile barber.
Follow-up recommendation: The empty chair before he gets a pedicure, the empty chair before he sits down to eat dinner and the empty seat on the bench before he takes a load off.
Why so many athletes feel the need to share devastatingly useless “motivational” clichés is one of the world’s greatest mysteries. Sadly, not even stunning Australian hurdler Michelle Jenneke is above it.
Follow-up recommendation: How about a motivational poster of a kitten dangling from a rope that says “Hang in there, baby.”
It seems as though everyone, athletes included, really enjoys posting photos on Instagram of the food they’re consuming. Usually, though, they like to brag about the good food they’re eating.
The 76ers' Evan Turner went in a decidedly different direction when he posted this, explaining that he likes his “salads” with nothing on them. I think that’s just called “a plate of lettuce.”
Follow-up recommendation: A half-eaten pile of low sodium saltines and some grape jelly.
The Heat’s Dwyane Wade is one of the more interesting athletes out there. He’s great at what he does, has a bunch of championships and is ridiculously well dressed, and his girlfriend, actress Gabrielle Union, is crazy amounts of hot.
So you really have to wonder why, of all the things he does on a given Saturday night, D-Wade thinks a pile of dirty clothes would be the most share-worthy event. His more than two million followers, though, were strangely enthusiastic about the offering.
Follow-up recommendation: Why stop with his own dirty laundry? As an athlete who spends plenty of time in gyms and locker rooms, Wade has unlimited access to God knows how much dirty laundry. It's time to spread the wealth, dude.
Obviously I can’t monitor every photo that every athlete posts, but I try my best. If I missed any less important, more terrible Instagrams this year, follow me on Twitter and complain about it. Follow @blamberr