5 Exhibits That Should Be in Cristiano Ronaldo's Museum
On Tuesday, December 17, egotistical history was made.
For the first time, the doors flung open at the CR7 Museum, a permanent exhibit dedicated to the life and times of Cristiano Ronaldo. Opened by the man himself in his hometown of Funchal, Portugal, the museum contains pictures, artefacts and memorabilia from a career that may not have even reached its pinnacle yet.
According to Yahoo's Dirty Tackle blog, there are signed balls from 26 of his hat-tricks, previously unseen photos from his youth and a heaving trophy cabinet—with a 2013 Ballon d'Or-shaped hole in it.
These are all displays that will keep C-Ron fanboys happy, but if B/R was curating the museum, here are some of the items that would be behind the glass...
A Hair Gel Timeline Display
According to a study carried out by a made-up university, if you place all the hair gel pots that Ronaldo has used in his life end-to-end, it would stretch to the moon and back six times.
The Portuguese star is a big fan of hair product, but we wouldn't expect him to have kept all of the containers. Most of them are probably in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch by now.
But it would be fascinating to see the evolution of his grooming regime. Did he use Brylcreem in the greasy early days at Manchester United? Did Dax Wax keep everything in place during his Eddie Munster slickback phase? How much VO5 was required for his mullet?
A hair gel timeline display would answer all these important questions.
Who likes short shorts? Ronaldo likes short shorts!
A bigger display of shorts—arranged by difficulty to fit over his enormous quads—would also be nice.
Copies of His Contracts
Wouldn't it be fascinating to see a professional footballer's contract? Not for the reason of seeing how much he has earned—that would be a little vulgar—but for the clauses and conditions.
Does Ronaldo stipulate that no (male) employees at the club look him in the eye? How many light bulbs need to go around the mirror in his dressing room at the Ciudad training complex? Does Raphael Varane have to babysit Cristiano Jr. while he plays Call of Duty with Fabio Coentrao?
When Ronaldo decided to sign a contract extension in September, the club were undoubtedly willing to bend over backwards to satiate his demands. As you can see from this highly exclusive and not-at-all fictional leaked document I created, the fine print makes for enlightening reading.
An Ode to Man Bags
Instead of carrying a backpack or some kind of tote bag for their toiletries, many top-flight footballers opt to tuck a designer wash bag under their arm on their way to and from the team coach. Ronaldo likes to carry one around even when he is away from the field.
What exactly is in these bags that won't fit in their pockets or that can't be carried by the kit man along with the rest of their professional detritus? Is it just shampoo and toothpaste? Or are they stuffed full of iPhones and gold bullion?
These are the kind of questions that could be answered by a display featuring one of C-Ron's famous man bags. Ideally, it would be the one he carried when he had his first passive-aggressive meeting with new teammate Gareth Bale—which was probably filled with chloroform and a plane ticket to Cardiff.
A WAGs Hall of Achievement Gallery
The Real Madrid star has now reached the pinnacle of WAG attainment, having boasted Sports Illustrated cover star Irina Shayk as his better half since 2010.
On his path to finding his supermodel partner, however, the Portuguese Man O' Sex has worked his way through a dizzying amount of girlfriends.
Perhaps a gallery displaying his WAG progression could appropriately mirror his career progression. Date night memorabilia like Pizza Express receipts and cinema tickets from former flames like Gemma Atkinson, Nereida Gallardo and Letizia Filippi could show he has worked his way to deserving the 2013 Ballon d'Or for lovers.