Know your Mixed Martial Arts fan.
In light of all the serious MMA posts out there, I figured I’d throw a little humor into the mix. The sad thing is most of us either know, or even worse, are one of these guys. If this article offends you, it may be time to give up on MMA and pick up something safer like Combat Frisbee or Pokemon.
1. Bandwagon Jumper: This guy has no fighter loyalty. None. Zero. His favorite fighter is always the guy on top, regardless of who it is. He’ll tell anyone that will listen that he has always been a Machida fan. As soon as Machida loses, he’ll be conspicuously wearing a Shogun shirt. This guy’s knowledge of the sport only goes as far as the latest UFC highlight clip on Sportscenter.
2. UFC Nuthugger: This guy started watching fights because his buddy called him to turn on the TV during Griffin-Bonner one. Actually believes that there is not one single good fighter outside the UFC. Tells anyone that will listen how the competition is easier in Japan, and everyone who fights there is on steroids.
Honestly believes that Fedor Emelianenko is afraid to fight in the UFC. Has to troll every post involving PrideFC just to say Pride is dead. Takes everything Dana White says as gospel. Tries to convince you that a UFC monopoly is good and organization competition is bad. Hates the Pride Nuthugger.
3. Pride Nuthugger: Clings to the belief that every fighter in their now-defunct organization was better than anyone in the UFC. Believes that Giant Silva and Henry Miller, would beat any Heavyweight on the UFC roster. Still claims that Anderson Silva and Rampage Jackson are Pride fighters, even though the organization folded in 2007.
Has to post on any thread about the UFC just to say how much better Pride was. Thinks elbows on the ground should be banned because they are dangerous, while lamenting the lack of soccer kicks to a downed opponent. Mortal enemy of the UFC Nuthugger.
4. Just Bleed Guy Fan: Not to be confused with the UFC Nuthugger. Believes that any fight that goes to the ground is automatically boring. Fully expects Brock Lesnar to win a fight with the F5. Calls every fighter who taps out a p***y.
Due to partial inbreeding, ingestion of copious amounts of alcohol, and because he was once in a fight in high school, thinks he could be a UFC champion. Believes he must demonstrate patriotism by heckling foreign fighters with boos and chants of “USA." Thinks the sport is called UFC, and will give a blank stare when asked if he watches MMA.
5. Internet Toughguy: Thinks watching MMA fights on Youtube is synonymous to hours of actual training. Loves to start fights with people that he knows he’ll never see, then claims victory because they never showed up to fight him, while sitting safely behind his computer. Expert at typing with the CAPS LOCK key on, to prove how much tougher than you he is. Most likely lives in his mom’s basement.
6. Fedorian: Thinks that Fedor is really the son of god, and will begin his messianic work after he retires. Honestly believes that Dana White is the Anti-Christ. Attempts to convince people that Hong Man Choi and Zuluzinho were legitimate number one contenders.
Whines incessantly about Fedor’s first loss to Tsuyoshi Kohsaka being due to an illegal strike, and therefore despite tournament rules, believes the results should be erased from existence. Will most likely become extinct once Fedor loses first match, due to massive coronaries, and the fact that most Fedorians are really just bandwagon jumpers.
7. The Expert: Spends his entire day reading posts and blogs, and then incorporating those ideas into his own. Can not talk about jiu-jitsu without using the term gogoplata. Defends lay and pray by calling anyone who boos ignorant. Follows every fight with “I knew that was going to happen."
Constantly responds to Whitebelt postings on Sherdog with the following phrases: ‘Whitebelts should not be allowed to make threads, and/end thread when an opinion that he agrees with on the topic has been given. Formerly the Sherdog Whitebelt before he got his post count up.
8. The MMA Fan: Watches any event he can. Appreciates the differences of both the ring and the cage. Believes competition is healthy amongst the different organizations. Understands that Dana White is a promoter. Actually watched the sport before it became popular.
Knows what the acronym NHB stands for. Thinks a submission is every bit as exciting as a knockout. Becomes utterly terrified anytime he hears a sentence start with: “Judge Cecil Peoples scores the bout…” Is really on the endangered species list.
9. The Boxing Fan: Sits at the local bar simply to heckle the MMA event showing. Makes fun of an MMA fighter’s stance. Has never had to check a leg kick. Believes that Muhammed Ali would beat Fedor Emelianenko in a street fight. Thinks that a clinch should only be used to rest between punches, and deliver the occasional illegal headbutt. Still believes that MMA is just a fad.
10. The Sherdog Whitebelt: Delights in making people believe there is actually a person posting on an MMA forum that truly believes Kimbo Slice is the greatest fighter in the world, or that Joe Son would beat Brock Lesnar. Will create multiple user accounts in order to add credence to his idiotic claims.
Laughs hysterically every time an experienced poster falls for his ruse and responds in an effort to make sense of it. Will post hundreds of times a day in order to graduate to a different color belt thereby becoming “The Expert."