First-World Athlete Problems
Weep not for the common man, for it is the athletic millionaire who bears the brunt of life's coldest miseries.
One might think that big-market, professional athletes have little to complain about in this world—and one would be wrong.
Contrary to popular belief, wealthy athletes endure unthinkable hardships on a daily basis. Their charter flights are delayed almost annually, and far too often do their caramel mochas go unsalted. Night after night their luxury automobiles are destroyed in heinous, pizza-related accidents. They barely sleep thanks to the 24-hour disc jockeys in their hotel suites.
They didn't ask for this life, and until you've felt the existential suffering that comes with finding a parking ticket on your Mercedes, you'll never understand their struggle.
These are first-world athlete problems.
Having to Deal with Traffic After Hurricanes
As you may remember, Hurricane Sandy hit the eastern seaboard of America hard last fall.
Flooding and rain destroyed thousands of homes, knocked out electrical grids and left people scrounging for blankets just to stay warm.
The biggest travesty, however, was the awful traffic delays it inflicted upon Dwyane Wade. His post-Sandy drive into New York City took three more hours than it should have, according to a tweet he posted while commuting into the downtown area.
I don't wish that brand of suffering on anyone.
Having to Charter an Extra Jet Because You're Scared of Gravity
Don't mistake the title of this slide—gravity is terrifying.
Anything that causes black holes and gobble neck is a force to be reckoned with, but Floyd Mayweather Jr. has taken his fear of crashing to the earth to absurd heights.
The boxer recently admitted he charters an extra Gulfstream for his handful of bodyguards because he believes their combined weight will drag down his Gulfstream.
Having to Commandeer Planes for Private Use
No one likes imposing on strangers, but sometimes you're running late for a basketball game and have to jack a plane from strangers.
The UF men's basketball team unwittingly commandeered a commercial Delta flight this December after its original charter was grounded by mechanical problems. Instead of letting the team miss their evening game against UConn, the airline decided to cancel another flight and use the aircraft to whisk the Gators off to Connecticut.
It was but a minor inconvenience for the passengers whose flight was cancelled. Only one of them missed a funeral.
Being Arrested with Hundreds of Pounds of Fireworks
You want to be patriotic, but how can you show pride on the Fourth of July without a truck bed full of dangerous incendiaries?
You can't—just ask Gilbert Arenas.
The former NBA guard was charged with misdemeanor possession of illegal fireworks after being pulled over by California police this July. Authorities found over 100 pounds of illegal fireworks sitting in his truck bed.
You're an American martyr, Gilbert. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Getting Suspended for Partying with Dom
BYU linebacker Spencer Hadley (pictured: middle) was suspended for five games after a photo of him celebrating his 21st birthday at a nightclub in Las Vegas surfaced in September.
A Mormon university with a notoriously strict code of conduct, BYU couldn't stand for one of their linebackers to pose with bottles and bottles of Dom Perignon.
Granted, religious scolding isn't reserved for first world countries—far from it, actually. But getting caught in Vegas enjoying what appears to be thousands of dollars of champagne with a university booster isn't an issue that happens at most Christian outreach schools.
Giving Up 'Call of Duty' in Order to Make Millions
You know what's a real kick in the Pringles? Giving up Call of Duty to have surgery.
A notorious COD fan, Cowboys wideout Dez Bryant took to Twitter during the 2013 offseason to lament the fact he would be missing out on his favorite game in order to have his hand surgically repaired.
It's a tough cross to bear, Dez—but no one ever said being a wide receiver in the NFL would be easy.
Dealing with a 24/7 DJ
A hotel in China provided LeBron James with his very own 24-hour disc jockey this summer.
James didn't complain about his poor fortune, instead posting a video saying the man was still spinning.
I salute you, LeBron. Where most men would've snapped, you soldiered through this obvious inconvenience. No one should ever go to sleep at night with a stranger playing Deadmau5 tracks in their living room.
Not Being Allowed to Play 'Grand Theft Auto'
"But Mom! I want to murder joggers on the PlayStation!"
All Kass Everett wanted was to shoot up digital pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto V, but the compliance office at Oklahoma University was being a total buzzkill about it.
The Sooners defensive back posted to Twitter about not being able to afford the new game (college kid problems), and was toying with the idea of having a former teammate pick up the tab for a copy when compliance came in and quashed his dreams.
The joy-killers told Everett that former student athletes are considered boosters, and that GTA would have to wait.
When the University Tickets Your Illegally Parked Mercedes
Being Johnny Manziel is nice and all, but talk about a hassle.
You're constantly meeting attractive women, touring pro sports arenas and listening to people talk about where you'll end up in the NFL. It's exhausting.
To top it all off, you can't even park your Mercedes Benz on campus without getting a parking ticket. It's like, does anything ever go your way in this world? You know, besides winning the Heisman and not living in a place where warring factions constantly threaten your way of life.
Crashing Your SUV over Pizza
You've never known strife until you break your arm reaching for a box of pizza.
Seriously, guys—pizza-related accidents are becoming a first world epidemic, with millions of citizens in the U.S. alone losing Yukons and Denalis to precariously placed boxes of Papa John's.*
Their Teammates at the Pro Bowl Don't Try Hard Enough
Aaron Rodgers will only accept one level of effort at the Pro Bowl: 100-flipping-percent.
Missing Games Due to 'Guitar Hero'-Related Injuries
In some countries, people miss work due to malaria.
Joel Zumaya, however, only takes games off after particularly nasty video game incidents involving fake guitars.
Just another one of the many burdens of living in a nation where networks have resorted to scratch-n-sniff television in the hopes of capturing the attention of their target audience.
Not Getting Paid for the Olympics
She's worth over $1.5 million, but she'll be damned if she takes less than a grand for competing in the Olympics.
Olympic athletes like Lolo Jones don't get much in the way of compensation for their performances, only the potential for a lifetime of endorsements and a chance to compete against the world's top competitors.
But chances at Olympic glory don't put food on the table or pay for velvet ribbon bikinis.
#TheStruggle is real.