Weep not for the common man, for it is the athletic millionaire who bears the brunt of life's coldest miseries.
One might think that big-market, professional athletes have little to complain about in this world—and one would be wrong.
Contrary to popular belief, wealthy athletes endure unthinkable hardships on a daily basis. Their charter flights are delayed almost annually, and far too often do their caramel mochas go unsalted. Night after night their luxury automobiles are destroyed in heinous, pizza-related accidents. They barely sleep thanks to the 24-hour disc jockeys in their hotel suites.
They didn't ask for this life, and until you've felt the existential suffering that comes with finding a parking ticket on your Mercedes, you'll never understand their struggle.
These are first-world athlete problems.