Your Favorite Athletes as Food

Sean Evans@@seanseaevansContributor IIIOctober 12, 2016

Your Favorite Athletes as Food

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    Earlier this month, a Cleveland area restaurant advertised a sandwich called the "Weeden Burger," inspired by Cleveland Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden.

    As you can guess by the description of the burger, Weeden probably would have preferred to be a secret, by request only meal option.

    The story got me thinking about other athletes who deserve a lunchtime homage/scornfully disparaging menu item. From brunch favorites to tasty desserts, tonight we feast on our favorite athletes as food.

Lance Armstrong as Hormone-Wrought Chicken Cutlets

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    Unlike the free range, sustainably farmed chicken you buy in a Phish concert parking lot, this protein is loaded to the beak with EPO, bull-moose testosterone and more saline per unit than the cast of Baywatch.

Geno Smith as Sloppy Apple Turnovers

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    Save room for this tasty dessert, which is succulent enough to slip right through your fingers. 

    Buy these flaky treats for $2 each, or pick six and get a seventh one free.

Dwayne Bowe as Baked Mostaccioli

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    This is a dish that's ideally paired with a chicken marinara and lot's of orange juice. 

    For best results, marinade the bird in bong water and season with Oregano.

Richie Incognito as Broiled Donkey Meat on a Stick

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    For the absolute jackass who has been cooked by public opinion's radiating heat, I offer a poetically cannibalistic snack that's also quite portable.

    You're welcome.

Manti Te’o as Fried Catfish

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    For those of us who publicly lament our departed meals, whether we've eaten them or not.

Dwight Howard as an Open-Faced Turkey Sandwich

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    Have you ever had one of those turkey sandwiches that's sort of up in the air about possibly maybe becoming an artichoke-stuffed baguette or smoked salmon bagel?

    Like, no disrespect to flightless birds, it'd just like to see what lunch is like as a tomato-basil panini or patty melt?

    No?

Dennis Rodman as Mole Soup

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    By "mole," I don't mean the trademark sauce in Mexican cuisine.

    I mean the shady, burrowing mammal that's been kicking up a lot of dirt in a certain supreme leader's backyard lately.

Tiger Woods as (Illegal) Drop Dumplings

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    Be careful when you order this item because chefs are known to haphazardly drop the dish's signature ingredient with reckless disregard for restaurant rules. 

    From your car's gas tank to the draft beer on your table, nothing is safe.

Alex Rodriguez as Jerk Chicken with a Habanero-Mint Glaze

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    There's actually no superlative or double entendre associated with the habanero-mint glaze; that's just a really tasty finish for a spicy meat dish.

    That said, you can probably do the math on the "jerk chicken" part.

Ryan Braun as a Hot-Dog Cabbage Casserole

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    The menu lists this item as a dry aged porterhouse steak, but it's actually a microwaved goulash of mechanically recovered meat trimmings and Cheez Whiz.

    Enjoy.