(Smackdown theme, “Hail Destroyer” plays)
Joey Styles: Welcome to the first edition of Smackdown since the WWE/TNA merge. I’m Joey Styles, and please welcome my announce partner, the great Don West from TNA Impact!
Don West: Thanks, Joey, and what a hell of a show we have tonight. We’ve got the Latin American Xchange (LAX) versus the newly-formed tag team, Badass Punks, composed of CM Punk and the “War Machine” Rhyno. But that’s not the only tag match tonight; there will be a 8-team gauntlet for the WWE Unified Tag Team Championship. The defending champions Team 3D a.k.a The Dudleyz will fight off 7 other tag teams.
Styles: Two teams enter. One team wins. Then the next team comes out. This will keep happening until we have one team left standing.
West: You better hope Team 3D doesn’t lose their titles to the Hardy Boyz!
Styles: The Hardy Boyz?!
West: Yeah, Jeff and Matt saw past their differences, and now if Team 3D loses the titles to them before the Great American Bash, then Team 3D are the new color commentators.
Styles: Damn you, Teddy Long!
(Styles enters the ring with a microphone; Don West is surprised)
Styles: Long! Get your ass out here so I can whoop your ass the E-C-W way!
(Crowd: E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W!)
West: This is a side of Joey Styles the wrestling world has never seen before. When someone makes a decision concerning his job, he gets pissed *laughs*.
(Long comes out to “Holla Holla Holla”)
Long: What’s the problem, playa?
Styles: I could lose my employment because of your half-headed decisions! Team 3D better not lose their titles to the Hardyz!
Long: Oh, that’s what you’re mad about. Well, now, at the Great American Bash, if the Hardy Boyz lose to Team 3D, then they are the new announce team!
Styles: That means that I’m out of a job after the Great American Bash!
Long: I never said to Vince McMahon I wanted a washed-up ECW announcer. Or a TNA reject either, playa.
(Crowd is mad; boos)
Long: Team 3D and The Hardy Boyz have more experience than both-
It is now time for your judgment, Teddy Long.
Long: What the hell, playa?
He who knows your sins shall eradicate you from his holy temple of Smackdown.
West: Is this “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels?
No, but it is a legend of the squared ring.
(Mean Gene Okerlund comes out to the ramp to a big pop)
Gene: I know you may think I’m going to throw Teddy Long out of Smackdown, but I can’t (*clears throat*).
Gene: But, this man can. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, the face of Smackdown; TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTThhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhe Rock!
(Crowd goes wild)
The Rock comes out to a huge standing ovation. He then enters the ring and engages in a tug-of-war with Teddy Long’s microphone until he has it.
Rock: Finnnnnnaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy… The Rock has come back to... *points microphone at crowd*
Rock: Iffffffffffffffffffffffff ya smeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…
Rock/Crowd: What The Rock. Is. Cooking
Rock: Teddy Long, I NEVER liked you because you disturbed the balance of The Great One’s brand ever since you became General Manager of Smackdown, you sorry, bottom of the barrel, sumbitch!
Long: What was that?!
Rock: You heard me, you pathetic excuse for a general manager! (Crowd claps ecstatically) So, you know what we’re going to have as an extra match tonight?
Long: Now hold on, Rock. You-
Rock: It doesn’t matter what we’re going to have as an extra match tonight!
(Crowd goes wild)
Styles: Actually, Rock, it does-
Rock: No, it doesn’t.
Styles: Well, tonight, by order of WWE Chairman Mr. McMahon, it will be Smackdown GM Teddy Long vs. The Rock for the title of Smackdown General Manager.
(Crowd cheers; they love it)
Rock: Junior, when’s the match? ...Oh damn.
Styles: It doesn’t matter when the match is!
Rock: Yes, it does! Do I HAVE to wait to kick the monkey-crap out of this weasel (*points to Teddy*)?
Styles: Actually, you don’t.
Rock: Teddy Long, you’re done.
(Rock grabs Long and hits the Rock Bottom on the Smackdown GM)
Styles: We need a ref out here, quick!
(Earl Hebner runs from the locker room)
Earl (counting The Rock’s pin): 1…2…3!
Mike Tenay (announcer): Here is your winner, and new Smackdown General Manager, TTTTTTTTTTTTTThhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeee Rock!
Rock poses for the crowd.
Rock: Now, for the Tag Team Championship feud… whichever team loses at the Great American Bash will broadcast the show alongside Don West and The People’s Color Commentator… Joey Styles!
(Rock leaves ring)
Rock: Before I go, I came back to the WWE for two reasons. One, for Smackdown. Two, to lay the smack down on Kurt Angle! So watch out, New Event Mafia!
West: New Event Mafia?!
Styles: You know some things about the new Smackdown; so do I. Let’s watch this video starring the new members of the Main Event Mafia, now known as the New Event Mafia
(Video shows every member of MEM excluding Scott Steiner and Booker T, and the newest members, World’s Greatest Tag Team and Maryse)
West: So Angle is building on Main Event Mafia’s popularity to boost Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, and Maryse. Can’t say I expected that to happen.
Styles: Well, now that you know about the New Event Mafia, I can now tell the WWE Universe about which members are competing…tonight!
Styles: Maryse is tagging up with Canadian Connection member Chris Jericho to take on The Undertaker and Layla in a mixed-tag match. Sting will go up against newly-signed “Wildman” Gary Williams, and Angle, Benjamin, Haas, and Nash will face Mr. Money In The Bank and X Division Champion John Cena, “The Rated-R Superstar” Edge, and the newest team on the block, the high-flying Kofi Kingston and Rob Van Dam.
Don West: Wow! Those are some great matches to elevate the New Event Mafia! We’ll be back after a word from our sponsors.
(Commercial Break: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij2Xbu-XhCI)
Styles: Welcome back to Smackdown a.k.a “The Rock’s brand”. Don is WWE actually sponsored by a condom company?
Don: Nah, only Smackdown. Besides, I get free ones.
Styles: So you get Smackdown some sponsorship from a condom company just for your own personal asset of sex protections tools?!
Don: Pretty much.
Styles: You’re worse than Teddy Long!
Don: Well, what else should I do, buy condoms at a convenience store at 4:00 AM, like Eric Young and Jeremy Borash? Besides, Eric used their condoms and said they were pretty good.
Styles: Umm… never mind. Anyways, here comes our first pre-scheduled match of the night, LAX and the Badass Punks duel it out.
Mean Gene: The following contest is a tag team match set for one fall. The winner of this match will earn the last spot in Team 3D’s 6-team gauntlet.
(LAX comes out to “To Live and Die in LAX”; crowd whoops)
Homicide: Hernandez, why these people hatin’ on us? (Crowd boos at that) We got better cheers in TNA before we had to come to… this…dump (looks at floor in a disgusted way).
Hernandez: Yeah, man, they don’t like us, don’t like us at all.
(Crowd is enraged and is ready to rip LAX’s heads off)
Homicide: I can’t wait for Vince to hand us our pink slip; then we out!
Hernandez: Yeah, but-
(Deathbringer from the Sky plays and CM Punk with Rhyno comes out)
Punk: I don’t think you guys understand these people (points his finger at the crowd) when they say “get out”.
(Crowd erupts; cheers)
Rhyno: Now wait here, Punk; I don’t think they understand what you said-
Homicide: You gringos gonna talk or are you gonna fight?
Rhyno: We’re teaching them PERSONALLY.
(Punk and Rhyno rush to the ring)
The bell rings and the match is on between LAX and BP
Match #1: Badass Punks (CM Punk & Rhyno) vs. Latin American Xchange (Homicide & Hernandez): Winner takes last place in Team 3D Tag Team gauntlet
Once Punk and Rhyno enter the ring, they proceed to beat down on LAX, Punk fighting off the high-flying Homicide, Rhyno spearing Hernandez. Rhyno then pins Hernandez…but no! Homicide hits a flying somersault from the top rope.
Since Homicide hit Rhyno, the impact was forced onto Hernandez, so Hernandez couldn’t get up. Both men are dazed, then Rhyno started a punching battle. Back and forth the giant wrestlers punched until Hernandez got the advantage with a gut punch.
The LAX big man Irish Whips Rhyno while Homicide pulls down on the rope, making Rhyno fall out of the ring. While the War Machine struggles to get up, Hernandez goes for his patented Big Man Dive, but botches the move so it turns into a front flip. Rhyno dodges and the big man lands back first on the edge of the announce table.
(Commercial break: During commercial, Punk comes to Rhyno’s aid, but Homicide goes for a cutter (RKO) on Punk and is about to hit the Cutter when Punk holds Homicide with his head, grabs him, pulls him up in a fireman’s carry, and finishes the LAX high-flyer with a Go To Sleep).
Styles: And we’re back on Smackdown Xplosion! LAX and the Badass Punks were brawling on the outside, and C.M. Punk hit an amazing GTS to Homicide. Now, all competitors are sprawled on the outside of the ring.
West: Wait! Punk’s getting up, and so is Rhyno! So is LAX!
Styles: Hernandez slides into the ring while Rhyno tags in Punk. Punk tries to grab the muscle of LAX, but The Mexican Superman grabs the Straight Edge Superstar from behind and goes for a Border Toss!
West: Rhyno realizes this…and, wait! The War Machine is on the top rope! Gore! Gore! Goooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre!
Styles: Punk is literally out! Rhyno with another Gore to Homicide on the apron, knocking him with enough impact to send him sprawling over the barricade behind him.
West: The crowd is ecstatic! Rhyno goes back the corner to tag CM Punk’s foot, and goes for the pin. 1…2… no! Hernandez kicks out!
Styles: Now, Rhyno is in Badass Punks’corner to the right. Without the War Machine knowing, Punk tags himself in. The ref sees this, but is too busy arguing with the injured Homicide on the outside. Homicide, jumps to the apron, shoves the ref, tags Hernandez who is in LAX’s corner, and then goes for a frog splash/cross-body on the charging War Machine.
West: I think the legal man, Punk, sees that! Homicide jumps, but Rhyno ducks in time for a Gore on Hernandez. CM Punk rushes into the ring to barely catch Homicide on his shoulders. Homicide tries to make Punk lose his balance, and almost hits a Hurricarana from behind, when Punk grabs him into an Electric Chair Drop position…and yes! Punk hits an amazing GTS!
Styles: Mr. Money In The Bank goes for the pin!
Mean Gene: Your winners, CM Punk and Rhyno, the Badass Punks!
West: That was an amazing, and it shows how the merge has elevated these competitors’ career! I mean, Joey, you had to have loved Punk’s GTS reversed from Homicide’s Gringo “Cutta”, then again from an Electric Chair position!
Styles: Now onto our next match, Chris Jericho and Mar-
West: There’s Jericho brawling…with X Divison Champion John Cena!
(Jericho and Cena brawl on the stage)
Jericho: Cena…I will win the X Division Championship…not for these hypocrites…but for myself.
Cena: You better back yourself your statement up.
Jericho: I can and will…junior!
(Jericho hits a Codebreaker on Cena)
West: Chris Jericho with a Codebreaker! Oh my god!
Styles: Here comes Jericho’s opponent, Undertaker.
West: Big Boot to the face! Wait! Here comes Sting!
Styles: He’s trying to take the Undertaker out for good!
Sting: C’mon, big guy! Hang up your damn boots!
Undertaker: I will not fall to a mortal man!
(Undertaker and Sting brawl)
(The Kardinal Sinners (Gary Williams and Mike Hughes) come out to the ramp)
Mike Hughes: Yes! We found him!
Gary Williams: You idiot! You were supposed to make sure he stayed knocked out! Attack him!
(Crowd chants: “Sinners!” “Sinners!” “Sinners!”)
(Mike Hughes tackles Sting)
West: Holy shit! Is this a brawl?
Styles: It certainly looks like it!
West: Well, I’m going to help Sting!
(Don West runs to the ramp)
(West gets hit with Trouble in Paradise from Kofi Kingston)
Styles: Oh... this is absolutely a riot!
(Styles drags West back to the announce table)
Styles: This is getting ugly… fast! Oh, here comes Team Jarrett, The Hardy Boyz, Motor City Machine Guns, and the TNA Frontline!
AJ Styles: Get off the Deadman!
(AJ hits a Pele Kick on Sting)
Jeff Hardy: Matt, let’s take care of that scumbag leaning against the Titantron!
Chris Jericho: Who, me? No…please, Jeff; you would act in a better manner, right? Right?
Jeff: Nah. Get him!
(The Hardy Boyz attack Chris Jericho and hits a Rapture)
Alex Shelley: You know, Chris, I’m bored.
Chris Sabin: So am I!
John Morrison: Here comes Bubba Ray and Devon!
Alex: Let’s brawl!
(Team Jarrett and Motor City Machine Guns attack Team 3D, MCMG hits the ASCS Rush)
(“Know Your Role” by Method Man plays, and Smackdown GM The Rock comes out)
Rock: Hold everything!
(A group of security come to collect Cena, Jericho, Sting, Team 3D, but not Don West)
Rock: Now, since you jabronis (Hardy Boys, Undertaker, AJ Styles, Chris Daniels, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, Team 3D, Kardinal Sinners, Team Jarrett) like to fight the unsanctioned way, here’s what we’ll do; a 7-on-6 fight!
(Kurt Angle’s music, “I Don’t Suck”, hits and he enters with Kevin Nash)
Angle: Nash and I will balance out the teams; an 8-on-8 match, with Nash, the Kardinal Sinners, Team 3D, Undertaker, and myself, versus the rest of you punks.
Rock: I DON’T LIKE YOU, Angle. Neither do my Superstars. And do you know what that means?
Rock: It doesn’t matter what it means!
(Crowd cannot stop cheering)
Sabin: What it means, Kurt Angle, is that we’re going to fight you, and Kevin Nash. ALL of us.
Rock: I’m layin’ the smackdown on you, jabroni!
(Angle and Nash get mauled with Twist of Fate, Styles Clash, 3-D, etc.)
Rock: Now, Jeff and Matt, bring these jabronis to the ring! Jeff Jarett, you’re replacing John Cena.
(Edge’s music, “Metalingus” hits and out comes Edge, RVD and Kingston. They enter the ring.)
(World’s Greatest Team comes in secretly and get hit with running lariats from Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin. The Motor City Machine Guns roll Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas into the ring)
Edge: What do we do?
Rock: Whatever the hell you want!
(Chamber lowers; bell rings)
(Edge sets up Kurt Angle for a Spear, Jeff Jarrett is throw a guitar from the Rock and gets ready for an Acoustic Equalizer, and Rob Van Dam and Kofi Kingston jump to the chambers, ready to hit a Frog Splash and a Leg Drop. )
(One by one, Team Edge hit their finishers, Edge with a Spear, then the pin; Jeff Jarrett with an Acoustic Equalizer, then a pin; RVD jumps and lands stomach first on Charlie Haas, then pins him. Finally, Kofi Kingston hits a double leg drop on Shelton Benjamin, and finishes the match with a pin)
Mean Gene: Your winners, Team Eddddddddddggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggge!
(Crowd claps, cheers, anything to show their appreciation; Edge grabs a microphone)
Edge: We will make sure Kurt Angle and the New Event Mafia do anything to take control of Smackdown. We are The People’s Alliance!
Styles: And there you have it, folks! Tune in next week to see what happens!