The good news is Brandon Weeden has a burger named after him. And that, well, that's all we have on the good news front.
What follows is your weekly cavalcade of deplorable. Here are our favorite moments from the sports world this week. And by favorite, we of course mean downright infuriating.
Join us on yet another jaunt through the frustrating annals of sport as we highlight some things that will make you cringe, some that will make you laugh and some that will just have you scratching you head.
As always, please right our wrongs and fill us in on things we may have missed in the comments section below.
At least, that's what we have to assume.
The game is 1998's Japanese baseball game, 98 Koshien. According to the report, you were able to fashion your very own Dontrelle Willis type of windup, which means some lucky Japanese kids had a more entertaining childhood than we did.
We say heated because the umpire has a contentious strike zone. I know, nothing new in that regard.
We have all seen horrible zones and rather egregious calls, but rarely do we see a coach ask his players to exact physical revenge.
As you see, the coach goes out to one of his young athletes, a person he is supposed to tutor in the finer points of goodwill and sportsmanship.
That's when he allegedly asks his pitcher and catcher to combine for a play to plunk the umpire with a fastball.
That pitch would end the game and simultaneously our faith in humanity.
Tired of the need to regurgitate over lackluster performances, Cleveland Browns fans had the brilliant idea to craft their very own NFL-themed hamburger.
To that end, they decided to make a "Weeden Burger," a sandwich you are guaranteed not to enjoy. Here is the description via the restaurant's Facebook page:
The Weeden Burger - A tender all beef patty, cooked perfectly, and smothered in toppings which we systematically pick off right before your eyes while you watch helplessly; all before dropping the burger on the ground right before it is set down in front of you.
The burger is served with a half full glass of beer.
Waiter, there's a wasted draft pick in my food.
Man, that Mexico City smog is brutal.
The San Antonio Spurs and Minnesota Timberwolves enjoyed a nice jaunt down to Mexico City to meet fans, sign autographs and warmup, and that's about it.
The two teams saw their game postponed because the brown version of Lost's Black Smoke Monster swept into the arena.
NBA.com reports the game will be made up at a date to be scheduled later in Minnesota. Hopefully there aren't any malfunctioning generators at that time.
Granted, this video isn't the least bit annoying, but it makes us sad nonetheless.
For some reason, ESPN publicist Mike Humes decided to tweet the posted video out to the masses earlier this week. It features Dick Vitale in his first foray into sportscasting 34 years ago.
As you can see, Vitale is solid from the start, except he is a shadow of his current self. There isn't one "Baby!" to be had. Where is all the hyperbole and alliteration?
If anyone tries to sell you a time machine, tell them you would rather not. The past was worse, a lot worse.
Above video contains NSFW language.
Yes, we understand the Xbox 360 had the same technology, but a video floating around proves the Xbox One is just as sensitive as NBA referee Joey Crawford.
As YouTube user RandomFrankP found, tossing f-bombs in the comfort of your own home will get you a technical foul quicker than Rasheed Wallace can say, well, anything.
I never understood the need to burn something you paid for to get back at an athlete who is simply doing what is right by him. You know how much this affects Robinson Cano? Zero.
As you may have heard, the former Yankees second baseman is going to the Seattle Mariners for a contract worth $240 million over 10 years.
Apparently, that necessitates a cotton-blend barbecue.