President Obama Sends Andy Roddick, James Blake To Paris With Mission (Humor)

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President Obama Sends Andy Roddick, James Blake To Paris With Mission (Humor)
(Photo by Aude Guerrucci-Pool/Getty Images)

A week before the French Open was to start, Andy Roddick and James Blake were both summoned to the White House. 

The Secret Service men ushered them both into the oval office where the President was talking on the phone.

"Yes, Barry...I know...I know...but unfortunately there is not much I can do. Listen, if A-Rod called me to pull some strings...I could not. No, I did not get a call from Roger Clemens. Well...umm...because...he is uh...a Republican."

"Uh Barry, I have to go now. I have some important world matters to attend to but I ...uh...want to...uh wish you the best. If uh...I can overcome my...uh...pastor...then I am sure that you uh...can overcome your drug problem."

"Oh, I mean your uh..."alleged" drug problem. Okay...uh talk to you later, Barry."

Obama disengages his blackberry and turns to Roddick and Blake.

Obama: Gentleman, please sit down. 

Roddick: Mr. President, we are pleased to be here.

Blake: Yes, Mr. President. We are honored.

Obama:  Thank you both. As you know, I am due to go to France for the 65th anniversary of the Normandy invasion in June. 

It was...uh...a time where Americans really knew how to kick some butt. That is where you two come in.

Roddick: What can we do?

Obama: Gentlemen, your assignment and I hope that...you'll accept it, is for you to both do whatever it takes...to uh...uh...uh...

[Roddick and Blake lean in to listen carefully.]

Obama: ...uh...uh...win the French Open.

[Roddick and Blake stare at Obama and then look to each other. They stare long and hard for a minute. Then, suddenly, they burst out laughing!]

Roddick: (unable to contain himself): Mr. (hahaha) President (haha) Do you even follow tennis at all (haha)?

Blake (chiming in with laughter): Yeah, I mean there is literally no chance for us to win on the clay surface (hahaha).

Obama: No, I have not followed it very closely, but you two could work together and help each other. When one of you is battling that guy on the razor commercial...umm...what is his name...Henry?

Roddick: Roger Federer

Obama: Yeah that's it. When one of you is battling Roger Federer, and you get tired, the other one comes out of nowhere, enters the stadium and does the tag-team. 

Andy, you could start and James you make the uh...unexpected appearance and take over. You will no doubt be uhhhh...victorious. 

[Roddick and Blake look at each other intently and then break out laughing again.]

Obama: I fail to see what is so funny. Guys, we need to plan this thing.

Blake: Uh sir, Mr. President. Unless we play doubles together, which we are not, we would not be able to (hahaha) tag-team against Roger (hahahahaha) Federer. This is a singles tournament.

Roddick: Mr. President, may I be totally frank with you.

Obama: Sure uh...go ahead...uh Andy.

Roddick: I will be most likely playing Federer if I get that far. He is going to spank my a** with red clay. Umm, that means he will beat me.

Obama: Let me stop you both right there. You know...two years ago...on the uh...steps of the old capitol building in Springfield, Illinois, I started my uh run...for president. 

It was not just any run. I was up against the uh...Clinton..machine. Our message was simple. Our task, enormous. Our slogan was "Yes we can."

We defeated the Clintons and if I can do that, then you can defeat this Federer fellow.  YES, YOU CAN. YES, YOU CAN!

[Roddick and Blake were out of their seats chanting along with the President. The three of them marched to the door while continuing the popular chant.

Suddenly the door closed and Andy Roddick and James Blake were outside the Oval Office alone. The president had stayed inside.]

Roddick: You know what James, now that I think about how great this could be, I really am thinking...

Roddick and Blake: YES, WE CAN!

[Roddick and Blake stared at each other in the quiet White-House hallway. There was only silence. Suddenly, looking at each other, they broke into hysterical laughter.

They howled and laughed like hyenas as they left the building.

Meanwhile back inside the Oval Office, President Obama was at his desk holding his head in both of his hands.]

Obama: I cannot even make a dream-team out of two tennis players. This country really is in the sh**house!

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