Philadelphia Phillies: What Happens When Baseball Babes Ovulate
By now everyone knows that during the Wednesday night game Brett Myers developed soreness in his hip. I hope it only affects his pitching performance.
The same night, tragedy struck again. Flesh-eating bacteria infiltrated the lineup. It ate Jimmy Rollins, Shane Victorino, and Raul Ibanez.
I feel like we’re in the midst of a home field plague. It’s obvious the Citizens Bank gods are not happy. Isn’t there something the Phil’s could sacrifice? Don’t they have a goat? How about an old geezer? I saw a few candidates in section 145. Can we cast ballots to forfeit someone in the broadcaster’s booth? Does a pro bowler count?
Then I picked up my Daily News and right there on the back cover was a picture of a guy with a see through skull. Personally, I prefer see through pants but when I read the caption, I was faced with even more bad news: “Sports Can Kill a Brain.”
Oh, no, now my husband had more ammunition to fight my Phillies obsession.
I couldn’t let him read the article so I did what any right-minded… okay, that’s using the term loosely; what any “typical” baseball babe would do. I ate it.
I’m kidding. But once I discovered the article was about the perils of football and not the side-effects of a mid-season baseball obsession, I breathed a sigh of relief. But I still used the prospective guilt as an excuse to eat chocolate.
Hey, you never know when it’s your time to go. You might as well smell like chocolate.
And chocolate helps ease the frustration of another sub-par Phillies outing.
But instead of analyzing the pitfalls of the game with all its negative connotations, I thought I’d generate some positive waves–like the ones that loop the stadium.
To prevail in baseball, you have to get home; you have to get around the bases to score. Personally, I’d start with necking but I think the guys in the dugout would look awfully silly, so I thought I’d put our attitudes on a path of positive manifestation by analyzing the many ways to drive it home (can you tell I’m ovulating?).
My dad says there are twelve ways to score, aside from the obvious: buying her jewelry and getting her drunk. So, like a pubescent teenager, let’s jump right in and see what we catch.
1. Sacrifice fly
2. Squeeze bunt
3. Base hit
5. Bases loaded walk
6. Hit by pitch with bases loaded
7. Home run
8. Steal home
9. Wild pitch
I can only come up with ten so I think my dad, in possible confusion, was considering the “obvious” two. Maybe he’s been hitting the Cialis.
But this list should help the Phillies narrow their focus during the Friday night game. This time I’ll be in section 137. I know–that’s an upgrade. It’ll be like rounding the bases in a stretch Caddie while sipping a bottle of bubbly instead of gulping a forty in the back of a Kia.
But either way, like items 1-10 above, it gets the job done.
On Friday, I’ll be ready and willing to cheer the guys on.
See you at the ballpark.
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