The Most Insane Things Done by Insane Athletes
When you're an elite athlete, neurotic energy and a psychotic need for competition are practically job requirements. Hence, this is why locker rooms have as many unbalanced goofballs as they do bacterial colonies.
Additionally, athletes have fame, exorbitant credit limits and the enormous stage of a sold-out crowd, which don't do a lot to curb a person's eccentricities.
From scrapping with fans to biting a man's ear off, these are the most insane things done by insane athletes.
Elizabeth Lambert Goes H.A.M. on BYU
Elizabeth Lambert, a former women's soccer player for the University of New Mexico, made headlines in November 2009 by turning a game against BYU into drunken after-hours at the Bad Girls Club.
With a series of forearm shivers and violent kicks directed at her opponents, Lambert's style of play isn't so much aggressive as it is menacingly savage. It's like she watches archived footage of riot police clubbing activist organizers during the '68 Democratic National Convention instead of game film.
This "Black Friday," Godspeed if you get your hands on the last PlayStation 4 and turn to see the bloodthirsty eyes of this woman barreling down the aisle in your direction.
Albert Haynesworth Stomps on Andre Gurode's Face
Albert Haynesworth is what happens when you mix the vexed existence of a DMV worker with the volatile temper of Lou Piniella.
In October 2006, the 6'6" defensive tackle's unbridled fury comes to a head (quite literally) when he stomps Dallas Cowboys offensive lineman Andre Gurode in the face.
The incident leaves Gurode bloody and permanently disfigures Haynesworth's image.
John Daly Bears All for an Interview
John Daly is so lucky that he's good at golf. Otherwise, he'd be ducking repo men on a houseboat and living on a steady diet of Buffalo Blue Cheese Combos and skunked Budweiser.
The Lion's outrageous antics are on full display in 2008 as he conducts a shirtless interview and plays a hole with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
Between JD and Tiger Woods, the PGA Tour has more unhinged goofballs than the mosh pit at an Insane Clown Posse concert.
John Rocker Accosts the New York Subway System
Long before YouTube's comments section, John Rocker solidifies himself as America's original troll by pigeonholing a city of more than 8,000,000 people in three sentences.
In 1999, Rocker says of playing in The Big Apple:
I would retire first. It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [going through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids.
Later that season, the New York Yankees sweep Rocker's Atlanta Braves to win the 1999 World Series.
Eric Cantona Bicycle Kicks a Fan
When an athlete is unceremoniously ejected from a game, they have two choices: keep a calm head and walk off the field with dignity or bicycle kick the nearest fan in the chest Liu Kang-style.
During a game against Crystal Palace in 1995, Manchester United striker Eric Cantona chooses the latter.
According to Cantona, the event was the highlight of his career, which speaks to just how unbalanced the Manchester United figurehead-turned-French actor really is.
Juan Marichal Hits John Roseboro with a Bat
The Giants-Dodgers strife, from its New York City genesis to its present-day California setting, is arguably baseball’s most heated rivalry.
I can feel you Red Sox and Yankees fans fuming from inside your cubicles, but—sorry—Pedro Martinez’s two-handed swim move on a geriatric Don Zimmer does not compare to the bat-swinging melee of Aug. 22, 1965.
When a pair of throws from Los Angeles Dodgers catcher John Roseboro goes whizzing by Juan Marichal’s face, the San Francisco Giants pitcher (who was batting at the time) turns his bat on Roseboro’s head.
Marichal’s home run cut toward Roseboro’s eyeball triggers a bench-clearing brawl that lasts more than 10 minutes.
Todd Bertuzzi Sucker Punches Steve Moore
Claiming the title of "Most Detestable Goon" in the NHL is like being named "Most Likely to Die a Virgin" at Comic Con, and Todd Bertuzzi is the hockey equivalent to walking the convention floor in a homemade Aqualad costume.
In 2004, Bertuzzi, then with the Vancouver Canucks, avenges a check from Colorado Avalanche center Steve Moore by sucker punching him in the back of the head, knocking Moore to the ice unconscious.
Moore is forced to leave the game on a stretcher and suffers injuries so severe that they effectually end his career. For his actions, Bertuzzi is charged with assault and suspended by the NHL for 20 games.
Dennis Rodman Kicks a Cameraman
Like his life, Dennis Rodman rebounds are a sinfonietta of uncontrolled chaos. Picture a dizzying whirlwind of elbows, tattoos and body piercings, and you'll know what it's like to battle for a loose ball with The Worm.
In 1997, an unfortunate cameraman finds himself in the path or Hurricane Dennis and receives a size-13 Converse to the leg as a result.
Rodman is suspended for 11 games and reportedly forced to pay $200,000 to the guy behind the lens.
No. 91, if that's the going rate for a boot to the meaty part of the thigh, feel free to kick me anytime.
Kermit Washington Punches Rudy Tomjanovich
During a fast break, Los Angeles Lakers forward Kermit Washington and Kevin Kunnert of the Houston Rockets get into a scuffle.
While players and referees rush to disengage the two men, Rockets guard Rudy Tomjanovich runs towards the tussle and, eventually, into a punishing right cross from Washington.
The punch results in catastrophic injuries to Tomjanovich, who is ultimately sidelined for five months and returns to basketball as a shadow of his former self.
Tonya Harding Puts a Hit on Nancy Kerrigan
During the mid-90s, Nancy Kerrigan is figure skating's beloved prom queen, and Tonya Harding is the sport's glue-sniffing flunky.
Leading up to the 1994 Olympics, Harding makes an ambitious, albeit criminal, attempt to become the country's No. 1 female skater by hiring a goon to bash Kerrigan's knee with a pipe.
Rather predictably, the attack is traced back to Harding, who is forced to withdraw from the USFA, and Kerrigan recovers in time to win a silver medal in the ladies' singles.
Mike Tyson Takes a Bite out of Evander Holyfield
From threatening to eat Lennox Lewis’ children to his enormous face tattoo, Mike Tyson’s exploits are so pervasive and insane that they warrant their own historian.
The crown jewel of Iron Mike’s cracked career occurs on June 28, 1997, when he satisfies a mid-fight craving for human flesh by taking a bite out of Evander Holyfield’s ear.
Ron Artest Triggers the Malice in the Palace
In 2004, Ron Artest reacts to having a beer thrown on him by racing into the stands and throwing indiscriminate haymakers at Detroit Pistons fans.
The ugly event escalates quickly, involving countless fans and players from both teams.
Let this be a lesson to you trash-talking season ticket holders out there. It's all fun and games until you realize that the guy you just soaked with an $8 pint is 260 pounds and athletic as hell.