Armed with liquid courage and a devil-may-care attitude that comes with watching your team lose to an unworthy opponent at a local watering hole, two Bears bros decided to race down the block.
One would not make it.
We thank Deadspin's Tom Ley, who posted the following video received from a reader, for giving us the best drunk-fueled video of the week.
We would also like to thank alcohol in general for making all of this possible. We shall toast in your honor later. For now, let's watch The Great Chicago Bears Fan Footrace of 2013, complete with *NSFW* language.
Like a Quentin Tarantino movie, we are completely captivated from the opening scene.
Here we have two guys wearing Bears gear about to race one another on some random sidewalk. We presume this comes in the hours following the Bears' loss to the St. Louis Rams on Sunday.
In the name of full disclosure, my own personal fandom means I rather enjoyed the unexpected 42-21 smackdown.
With that said, we add to the growing list of assumptions that these two were fueled by the kind of rage-drinking that comes with watching your team turn it over three times over the course of the game.
Our assumption becomes a tad more credible as the two men set off to prove which is the faster gazelle. As we immediately learn, this is much like a clash of toddlers: a war to see who has the remaining complement of balance.
A few steps into the race, the dude wearing a Walter Payton jersey does his best Montee Ball impression and devolves into some sort of slapstick exhibition.
"Payton" loses his balance, trips over his own feet and, had he had a ball in his hand, would have fumbled it before the end zone.
Instead, he gets a face full of what seems to be a random street pole and hits the ground quicker than Mark Sanchez running into one of his own linemen.
We like to think there is a sign nearby that reads, "Please, no drunken footraces."
Of course, we hope this unfortunate soul is doing well. He stands up and seems to be fine, shaking off the chance meeting his face had with a metal pole.
Still, we imagine he is currently working off a headache that is equal parts hangover and demoralizing face smash.
Now if you inebriated athletes would be so kind to corral one another for some form of drunk Olympics, we would greatly appreciate it.
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