WWE Worst of the Week: Going Country, Going Broadway and More
Raw went country, but fans were left feeling the blues.
It was flat-out an awful week of wrestling. It was worse than eating grandma's leftover squash the month after Thanksgiving.
Does WWE forget that it has a pay-per-view to promote, or does creative just give up?
It seems that those in power were more concerned with making Brad Maddox and Vickie Guerrero look foolish than giving fans any reason to buy the pay-per-view. The company must really be banking on getting its own network, or receiving a huge TV deal when its current contract is up.
Why else would it tank the proud Thanksgiving tradition of Survivor Series?
Somewhere, the Gobbledy Gooker is rolling over in his grave...or in Pat Patterson's stomach. Not really sure what happened to that thing.
Anyway, it's time to give thanks, and a whole lot of "no thanks," as we dive on in and rank WWE's most painful, worst-for-business moments of the week.
5. Like Old Times
What the? When did this happen?
Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston teamed up on SmackDown like it was no big deal. These two somehow forgot their history together, and their series of matches where they repeatedly punched each other in the face.
It would have been nice if WWE took some time to show that their friendship has been rekindled. A backstage promo would have been nice. Or maybe show the two randomly running into each other at a local Wendy's.
The awkwardness of the situation would initially bring about a nervous chuckle, and then we tragically find out Ziggler forgot his wallet. Big E steps in and buys him a Frosty off the dollar menu. The friendship is now reborn.
Or something else. Whatever works. Whatever actually puts in just a little, tiny bit of effort to explain why they're OK with tagging with each other.
But WWE doesn't have time for details! This is like Kaitlyn's abrupt heel turn, and it's just like when WWE also forgot that Big E had a crush on AJ Lee.
WWE should probably just give up on storyline consistency altogether, as it's apparently too hard.
4. Florida, Georgia, Minnesota...it Doesn't Matter Where You're From!
Michael Cole and JBL informed me that Florida Georgia is the hottest act in all of country music.
That's cool I guess. I don't like country music, but to each his own. What I don't like, though, is having to watch any music act during wrestling.
Of course, there are exceptions.
Artists playing during a wrestlers entrance is pretty cool. Whether it's Motorhead performing Triple H's entrance or Living Colour singing "Cult of Personality" at WrestleMania, it makes the moment feel even bigger.
But having two guys I've never heard of play on an already boring wrestling show was worse than having my dog run over by my neighbor's pickup truck. Even if one of my favorite bands (let's say The Thermals) showed up on Raw, I would still find it awkward and tell them to go away through my TV screen.
Cee Lo Green, KISS, Kid Rock and many others have performed during a wrestling show. But music is so personal and highly subjective, that no matter who plays you're going to leave more than half the audience bored.
This may shock WWE, but fans watch Raw to see wrestling. Once WWE can get its wrestling act together, then it can consider booking other nonsense.
I'm looking at you, Michael Strahan!
3. Broadway Brawl
Triple H booked a Broadway Brawl even though he had no idea what that meant. Luckily there were plenty of random instruments in the building, which apparently belonged to no one in particular, that WWE could steal.
Remember when Dolph Ziggler was the World Heavyweight Champion?
Remember when Damien Sandow looked to be an actual in-ring threat?
Now the two are reduced to hitting each other over the head with musical instruments, and paying homage to Jeff Jarrett. No man should have to suffer that indignity.
The announcers sure loved it, though. The three of them couldn't stop chuckling at the actual professionals in the ring. The wrestlers did their best to make this segment work, but were completely undercut by the announcers' constant laughing and small talk about old country music stars.
One can only hope that WWE still finds this segment funny when the Survivor Series buyrate comes in.
2. Vickie Needs Water
Note to WWE wrestlers: Don't ever get hurt, or have any kind of physical problem ever. WWE will make fun of you at the soonest possible opportunity.
If you get a real life concussion (like Dolph Ziggler a few months ago), Triple H will get a storyline one the following week, and demand to keep wrestling. He's way too tough for that brain injury nonsense.
This cruel and disturbing trend continued on Raw.
Last week, AJ Lee had a legitimate scare when she passed out at ringside in London. It was nothing too serious, as it was mainly linked to being dehydrated. But still, it had to have been scary for her and others nearby.
WWE, not wanting to let this apparent comedic goldmine to go waste, had Vickie Guerrero fake passing out due to being dehydrated. What made it worse is that she did this right in front of AJ.
Sometimes you just have to wonder what is wrong with the people in charge of this company.
1. Musical Chairs
Who would want to watch professional wrestling when we could watch musical chairs instead?
WWE should just scrap this wrestling nonsense altogether and give the people what they really want.
Every week we could just watch dance contests, musical chairs and superstars singing. That's what Vince McMahon secretly dreams about.
He wants the dumbest, most ridiculous, vomit-inducing garbage on our TVs. And he wants six hours of it. Every week. His taste for awful segments has no end.
WrestleMania should be changed to MusicalChairMania and the main event will feature John Cena defeating Randy Orton in a game of musical chairs. Then Triple H can run in after the match, and say the chair wasn't a sanctioned chair and there must be a rematch at Extreme Rules with Jared from Subway as the guest referee. Daniel Bryan will then dress up as a goat and JBL will yell "what's up?" as El Torito sexually harasses Renee Young's leg. Vickie Guerrero will then slip on a banana peel and Hornswoggle will give birth to Mae Young.
What we witnessed on Raw is the beginning of that scenario. Beware!
Time to kick out.
Well, that's all for this week. Agree? Disagree? Do you enjoy musical chairs? If so, sound off below, and talk about your worst moment of the week. Thanks for reading, and have a great Thanksgiving!