Worst Hair in World Football
The world of football is a harsh place to be sometimes. As well as being scrutinised for their on-pitch performances, the elite of the football sphere will also be judged on aesthetic features, hair being among the most common points to critique.
For some, hair is a lifestyle choice, an important matter of permed principle that they choose to look after. For others, it evidently doesn't matter an inch.
Whether as a result of their own machinations or not, the following players can all head back to the drawing board/salon, take a good, hard look at themselves and then change the very top of that self drastically.
Just so we're clear, we've gone as current as possible with this list, so if a player has had a bad time at the hairdresser in the past but has since moved to resolve the issue, they fall out of the reckoning.
Ready yourselves for a barrage of hair-based puns, poking fun at others' unfortunate dandruff dilemmas, and read on for a breakdown of the worst hair in football because they're just not "worth it."
Getting us off to a slick start is Tim Wiese, who barely misses out on making our list, despite being one of the greasiest-looking customers in a game.
Seriously, it's a wonder how that much gel doesn't blind the German goalkeeper when he's going about his business, heaven forbid his sweat during a match ever making the issue worse.
Tattooed, bearded and with a mohawk that any tribesman would be proud of, Raul Meireles appears to mistake his career as a professional footballer for that of a bike gang leader.
Of course there are those who will fall on the other side of the coin and note the uniqueness of Meireles' look as a reason to admire his initiative.
Those people are wrong.
Poor Wayne Rooney is regularly criticised for his hair, but it's a tough life going bald, and at least the Manchester United star has tried to do something about it.
In the end, however, those hair plugs don't appear to have been a permanent solution, and it looks like further experimenting will be required before "Wazza" follows in the footsteps of Sir Bobby Charlton.
15. Karim Rekik
If Hoffenheim's Wiese is a sucker for hair wax, then Karim Rekik deserves to have his own haircare sponsorship, but not for promoting its use—so the public can be made aware of what pitfalls there are in using gel.
The Manchester City defender is currently on loan at PSV, with the inhabitants of Eindhoven the latest population to require a splashguard when their Dutch compatriot is featured.
14. Emmanuel Riviere
In an age where "fashion" has taken some pretty strange turns in recent years, Emmanuel Riviere's choice of hairstyle wouldn't look totally out of place on an episode of Geordie Shore.
Clearly having forgotten to notify his barber that the bit in the middle was supposed to be touched up, too, the Monaco striker left satisfied with only his sides being shaved.
Although he might live in the lap of luxury down on the French Riviera, Riviere must attract some undesirable attention for his choice of 'do.
13. Brek Shea
Is it a mullet? Is it a fauxhawk? No, it's Brek Shea's hideous attempt at being "hip."
For a few years now, the United States international has attracted attention for his hair, but it doesn't appear to be helping his ability on the pitch, considering he's yet to make a Premier League start for Stoke City, despite being at the club for close to a year.
If a career at the top level of football doesn't work out, at least the attacker can rely on a backup career as the frontman in a Motley Crue tribute band.
12. Fabian Lustenberger
Ever wonder what the Milky Bar Kid would have looked like if he grew up to become a Bundesliga veteran at the age of 25?
Fabian Lustenberger did.
In fact, the former Swiss Under-21 international wondered it so much that he made it a reality and never once did he turn his back on the blonde locks that courted the adoration of millions.
It should go down on the record that Hertha Berlin's midfield anchorman should be praised for his decision to keep these childhood curls for so long, but everyone needs to grow up at some point.
11. Levan Kobiashvili
If the rule that "less is more" turned out to be true, then Levan Kobiashvili would have the least amount of hair in football.
As it is, that is most certainly not true and Hertha Berlin have another player among their ranks who could do with taking the advice of those immortal words: "Get a haircut, hippie."
It's not quite a combover, and it's not quite a mullet. In fact, there's not really a name for what the Georgian has going on.
10. Elvir Rahimic
Granted, Rooney failed to make this list because there's only so much one can do about turning bald, but CSKA Moscow's Elvir Rahimic makes it that much harder to stand in his corner.
At some point, one really has to look in the mirror and just call it a day when it comes to losing their hair, but the Russian midfielder appears eager to cling on to what little is left.
So extreme is Rahimic's bald patch that rumours have surfaced that the 37-year-old will become the new face of hair re-growth (disclaimer: there are no such rumours).
9. Marouane Chamakh
Marouane Chamakh is another player going through the onsets of balding, and to say the Moroccan international is taking it like a man would be just.
Regardless of the noticeable patches emerging at the front of his follicles, the Crystal Palace striker has maintained his trademark hairstyle—a cross between a mohawk and a mullet with a tub of gel used per game.
We didn't say it looked good, just that Chamakh was being brave about the situation.
8. Petr Jiracek
When Joan Osborne asked "What if God was one of us?," she was clearly inspired by the appearance of Hamburg's Petr Jiracek, the closest thing football has to a lookalike of the Catholic deity.
Yes, we are ignoring the fact that Jiracek was only eight years old when that song was first released.
Nevertheless, someone should celebrate the midfielder's next birthday with a surprise visit to the barber shop so that he might finally part ways with his hobo-esque appearance.
7. Juan Cuadrado
Thankfully for the Colombian, Juan Cuadrado just so happens to be a superbly talented footballer, so the fact that his hair is ridiculously uncool helps balance things out.
Braids and mini-dreadlocks are always going to be a tricky style to pull off, even more so when the Fiorentina maestro has shaved the sides of his head, leaving only a hairy, upside-down bowl of fur sprawling from his cranium.
"A" for effort, though.
6. Jose Manuel Pinto
Jose Manuel Pinto doesn't have many good friends. If he did, someone would have told him by now that braids simply aren't his "thing," and that he should have gone about changing them a long time ago.
As it is, however, the Barcelona backup goalkeeper has had this haircut for as long as he's been second choice to Victor Valdes, which is forever.
The only thing worse for Pinto is that every now and then, he insists on sporting a chinstrap goatee that really should have gone down the sink with the rest of his trimmed facial fur.
5. Rodrigo Palacio
It's unknown if Rodrigo Palacio's rat tail is some type of personal sentiment, be it moral or religious, but one thing that for certain is that it went out of fashion a long time ago.
In fact, we're unable to confirm if it was ever actually "in."
The most frustrating thing about the Argentinian's hair is that it could be so easily fixed with just a few minutes in the barber's chair or, if we were feeling slightly more barbaric, a simple yank.
Gervinho was always going to feature somewhere along these lines, one of the more easy-to-make-fun-of players that Arsenal have brought in over the last few years.
The hair jokes seem to have gotten to the winger, too, after the Ivorian started covering up his receding hairline with a headband once he moved to Roma; however, there's no escaping the ever-perceptible eye of the world's football fans, who will never forget the braided hair that once bundled its way along the Emirates Stadium flanks.
3. Predrag Stevanovic
Still just 22 years of age, there's plenty of time for Predrag Stevanovic to wake up and smell the proverbial coffee, which should reveal that his hairstyle makes him look like a girl.
Now at Werder Bremen, the attached video may not necessarily do the midfielder's hair justice, in which case, feel free to take a glimpse at his official club profile photo.
In 2011, the German-born Serbian was joined at the Weserstadion by younger brother Aleksandar, whom we can only hope isn't doomed to a similarly feminine fate.
2. Bacary Sagna
By normal standards, a club is unfortunate if they have just one player who draws the ire of hairdressers nationwide for the bad decisions they've made when it comes to their 'do.
There was a time, though, when Arsenal had both Bacary Sagna and Gervinho at the club, the former of whom still gives North London stylists nightmares wherever he may roam.
The comparison has often been made that Sagna's hair resembles a bleached spider planted atop the right-back's head, but one might also put it as how exactly not to get braids.
How the 30-year-old ever heads the ball without immediately crumpling to the floor with pain is beyond some of us.
1. Javier Pinola
By the look of his pointed sideburns, one can tell that Javier Pinola does visit the hairdresser, so the left-back is therefore completely culpable for the rest of his embarrassing barnet.
The Nurnberg defender has somehow managed to combine the Holy Trinity of hair no-no's: the mullet, the mohawk and the bald patch.
Granted, one of those can't be controlled by the person affected, but it's still not an excuse for not settling for something that would draw less attention.
Although the back might continue to thrive, the fleeting hair left atop Pinola's head is hard to ignore. Again, genetics can be a cruel mistress, but those are the breaks.
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