NHL to Merge with American Idol (Satire)

Shoeless Joe Jackson www.dbbsports.comContributor IMay 27, 2009

The New York Post is reporting that the NHL has merged with the producers behind American Idol.
OK, SJJ has to admit, that’s not entirely true. A SJJ source "close" to The New York Post told me about the rumor.
Truth be told, the girl sitting next to SJJ on the subway, who was reading a New York Post, told me that she would be interested in hockey if you could vote on it like she does on American Idol.
Shoeless Joe then nodded, and told her it was a great suggestion. Mostly because she was hot, he was hitting on her, and she was hot.  
Hey, like SJJ is the first guy to placate an attractive woman. Then again, subway flirts are only slightly less successful than the elevator flirts, usually because you've got about three stops to either make an impression sitting in a crowded car, which if you get "Heismaned" means even more pain and suffering for the last two stops 'til you get off (but that’s a concept for a different article).
Then SJJ took some time to think about the girl with a great ass' suggestion (hey, it beats doing my job, and I think the world can survive without another advertising budget spreadsheet for 20 minutes).
The NHL would be better if it was more like American Idol. Let’s face it, hockey fans are hockey fans, and they’ll always be there.  

But for the rest of the American viewing public, they just don’t feel a connection. Voting on shit would let them do that, and increase hockey’s profile. Then maybe real hockey fans could see and read more coverage of a great freakin' sport.
Don’t like Gary Von Gary? Let’s shitcan him by proxy, then make him sing "O’Canada" on his way out. Think a hit deserves a game misconduct? Let’s let America decide what exactly is too violent.

Think it’s a joke that Columbus has a franchise but Winnipeg doesn’t? Why not have people text a vote? Hell, viewers can’t be any less visionary than hockey’s current management.

How about scheduling? As much as SJJ hates the crapfest that is reality TV, at least the product gets to a higher level of mediocrity by the end. Nothing against Carolina, but the Caps / Pens series was sweet. That should have been the conference final, not Pens and Canes (Editors note: SJJ won as many games as Carolina did).
So, here’s to hot girls saying stupid things that sometimes are smart. Shit, the way the NHL is run, you don’t think Simon could improve it? Sure there would be gimmicks, and Paula Abdul would medicate her way into dropping the cup and denting that shit more.

...But at least this shit would be televised. And hockey can’t be more of a laughing stock than the current guardians have made it. Do you watch the coverage on VS? Can we all chip in a dollar and give those three studio guys at least one good 10 dollar haircut, or an off the rack suit from Filenes?
I have to go now. I only have five hours to find VS on my cable provider. Thanks for nothing hockey.  

PS: Gary Von Gary is an assclown.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to (read anti-PC), check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).