Roger Federer Battles Rafael Nadal Now (Satire)

Robert OrzechowskiAnalyst IMay 27, 2009

The stage is set.  Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal stare at each other with equal tenacity and determination.  Their eyes locked in concentrated focus. 

The referee flips the coin and Nadal calls heads.  He chooses for Roger Federer to go first.  Federer chooses to remain on his side. 

Roger Federer releases a mixture of air and tension from his lungs as he prepares to begin.  Nadal awaits.

Without warning it begins:

Federer: B9

Nadal: Miss

Nadal: C-tree!

Federer: What's that?

Nadal: C-tree (gives Federer three fingers)

Federer: Oh C-three.  Miss.

Federer:  (pauses and thinks and comes up with a brilliant long-shot) B2

Nadal:  (Grimaces) HIT!

Four shots later...


Nadal tries different shots but nothing seems to work.

Federer: (Thinks hard and plans another long-shot) R1

Nadal: HIT!  Santa Maria de Jesus, how do jou do dese?

Federer completely ignores Nadal and still concentrates on his board.

After two grueling hours of dueling back and forth, Federer blasts the last of Nadal ships out of the water.  They put down their battleship posts and meet with a handshake and thank the referee. 

Federer post-interview:

My strategy was quite simple.  I put most of my ships on the "K" level and "W" level because those letters are rarely used in Spanish. 

He was intense but I never lost my focus.  I knew I had confidence coming into this match and when I blew his first battleship out of the water, I knew I could win the match. 

Rafa may definitely be king of clay but here, I am king of the water.  I would say I was definitely more of the tactician today.  It was a good feeling and I am happy that it is one step towards regaining the number one ranking. 

Nadal post-interview:

Well, is no question dat he play better dan me today.  I hef to improve.  He a great champion and I only manage to play well when I gad hees tugboat. 

For di rest, I made di mistake and no find his other ships. 

Jou could say dat he sank my Spanis Armada.  Well, is only a game but I gonna work hard to improve for next year, no? 

My five hour match wit Djokovic deen not hurt my performance today.  I make no excuses.  He played better dan me. 

After throwing his toy battleships into the crowd, Roger Federer receives the golden battleship trophy. 

He hoists it up to the crowd and gives it a kiss.  Just one thought enters his mind causing him to smile.

"If you don't sink my battleship, you don't sink your teeth into this trophy!"