The Bears are content on keeping Rex Grossman, so they've brought in old school cartoon favorite Dr. Weird to help make adjustments. If you are a fan of the show, then you know that only Dr. Weird could genetically mutate Rex Grossman into a viable quarterback. Gentlemen, my quarterback with the robot arm!
16. Detroit Lions - Mike Greenberg, ESPN Radio Host/Spelling Bee Host/Duel Host
Greeny is a man of many hats these days. He is also the latest and greatest thing that everyone will eventually get sick of when they all realize he has no talent.* Makes sense for the Lions.
17. Arizona Cardinals - Shaquille O'Neal, Suns Center
The Big Cactus Part II. When asked what they were thinking, the Cardinals just said: "It seemed like a good idea at the time!"
18. Minnesota Vikings - Tim Tebow, Florida QB
Three years of college my foot! The Vikings need a quarterback and they need him now. Unfortunately Tim Tebow isn't exactly what they were thinking, but time was running out and they just asked who won the Heisman last year. Oops.
19. Houston Texans - Miguel Tejada, Astros SS
In light of his recent age discovery, Tejada decided he better make the most of it. Rumor has it he throws harder than David Carr ever did.
20. Philadelphia Eagles - Brian Brohm, Louisville QB
Kevin Kolb's eventual replacement, after Kolb replaces Donovan McNabb, eventually. Now I'm thinking of Danny Kolb. Now I'm thinking of Danny Almonte.
21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Dramatic Look Prairie Dog
He is sweeping the nation! Look at that form, this kid has a future in the acting business!
22. Washington Redskins - All the SEC Head Coaches
Since I still don't know who Daniel Snyder picked for his head coach, why not just give him 12. One of them might stick. It's like throwing a bunch of magnets at the refrigerator.
23. Dallas Cowboys - Floyd Mayweather Jr., Boxer
Always looking to make headlines, Jerry Jones and Mayweather begin their partnership together. Who else better to take down the Giants than "The Giant Killer" himself?
24. Pittsburgh Steelers - Kenny George, UNC-Asheville Center
Here's your tall receiver Ben. No way he overthrows the 7'6 George who plays college basketball for UNC Asheville.
25. Tennessee Titans - Kirstie Alley, Has-Been Actress and Fired Jenny Craig Sponsor
Since she is off her diet, she might be able to take over as the person who eats those white dots. Oh, that's not actually food? Oh well, that's not such a bad thing.
26. Seattle Seahawks - Ed Hochuli, NFL Referee
Still feeling salty over their Super Bowl XL loss, the Seahawks get someone on their side. Hochuli can also double as a player because unlike the rest of the NFL, he can take steroids.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars - "Cloverfield" Monster
I don't even know if there ended up being a monster in the movie, nor do I care. I just know I have to appeal to the people who did watch the movie.
28. San Diego Chargers - Barry Bonds, Free Agent Outfielder
First it was Shawne Merriman, and then came Stephen Cooper. They might as well bring in Barry Bonds to teach them how to not get caught.
29. Dallas Cowboys - Matt Ryan, Boston College QB
The Browns admitted no one in this draft class would be better than Brady Quinn. The Cowboys disagree and spite them with this pick. Then trade him to Baltimore to spite them even more.
30. San Francisco 49ers - Alexander Ovechkin, Capitals Forward
The Niners need someone that will score.
31. Green Bay Packers - Brett Favre, Retired QB
What do you mean he isn't eligible? I thought once you retired you could go back into the draft. It seemed too good to be true!
32. Forfeited New England Pick - Joe Smith, Cavaliers Forward
Every time I look at "Forfeited" next to the Patriots name on mock drafts, I can only think about all those first-rounders the Timberwolves lost for the Joe Smith incident.
*I actually think Mike Greenberg is talented, whoops!
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