Celebs and Their Athlete Boy Toys
Professional athletes are known to make piles of money, just for doing an amazing job that most of us would do for free. One of the endless perks that come with being an athlete is an extremely plentiful dating pool.
Some guys try to go the honest route and marry their high school sweethearts. While others opt for the much more tantalizing option of dating Hollywood actresses, globally known supermodels and world famous pop stars.
Many of the most beautiful women in the world have dated an athlete at one point or another. Some go on to marry their athlete boy toys, while others, in true man-eater fashion, opt to chew him up and spit him out.
Here are some such women.
Former singer-turned…whatever she's doing today…Jessica Simpson has a thing for toolbaggy dudes I would have thought were hot when I was 14. She married boy band member Nick Lachey when she was too young.
The marriage predictably ended in divorce when Lachey realized he had married the intellectual equivalent of a mop with a blonde wig. Simpson went on to date singer Adam Levine and, stunningly, skateboarder/professional Jackass, Bam Margera.
Then she hooked up with the least funny man on Earth, Dane Cook, the man so many women wish they could forget they dated, John Mayer and singer Billy Corgan, who should stop trying to make a career without the Smashing Pumpkins happen.
It's not going to happen.
Of course we all know about Simpson's ill-fated relationship with Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, every grating day of which was meticulously documented in the tabloids. And now she's engaged to NFL flunky Eric Johnson, with whom she's raising two children.
Who she should date next? Nobody. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, let this one stick.
Khloe, dated both basketball player Rashad McCants and football player Derrick Ward in the year prior to meeting current husband Lamar Odom in 2009.
I specified current, to distinguish him from all of her future husbands, of which there will likely be many.
In true Kardashian fashion, Khloe met Lamar, who was playing for the Lakers at the time, in August, married him in September, and 18 months later they had their own reality show.
Also in true Kardashian fashion, the two are currently headed for a divorce.
Who she should date next? WWE Superstar Big Show, for obvious reasons.
Victoria's sexiest angel Adriana Lima was rumored to have been dating Yankees captain—not to mention, certified national treasure—Derek Jeter back in 2006.
She also once attended an event with a surprisingly puffy Tom Brady.
That was before she did the unthinkable and married Serbian basketball player Marko Jaric, who is surely a lovely man, but doesn't quite measure up to his Mrs. in the looks department.
I've long suspected their coupling to be the inspiration behind that song "Is She Really Going Out With Him?"
Who she should date next: Nobody! Sorry fellas. Ms. Adriana is wicked Catholic and wicked serious about her marriage—this one could actually last.
Canadian cutie Elisha Cuthbert, being Canadian and all, has a thing for hockey players. She's married to Dion Phaneuf, a hockey player. She once dated Mike Komisarek, a hockey player.
And, of course, we all know she was romantically involved with Sean Avery, a hockey player who quit playing hockey to pursue a career as a bitchy fashion diva.
Cuthbert also had a fling with famed ginger snowboarder Shaun White, who isn't a hockey player, but still favors a sport from the Winter Olympics, as opposed to the substantially more popular Summer Olympics.
Who she should date next: If things don't work out with the husband, perhaps Cuthbert could give it another go with Avery.
Singer-turned-actress-turned…I have no idea…Hilary Duff is married to 33-year-old retired hockey player Mike Comrie. He officially retired in 2012, but he hasn't played since 2010.
Must be nice to retire at age 30 and live on the wife's Disney fortune.
Whatever though, at least Duff didn't marry and have a bunch of strung out babies with Aaron Carter, for whom she once almost came to blows with Lindsay Lohan over.
That was about 10 years ago.
Who she should date next: Let's just hope this one works out because I think we're all about 10 years away from the point when we last cared about Hilary Duff.
Singer Pink has been married to motocross racer Carey Hart since 2006, but the pair have been together for over a decade. Well...mostly together.
They first met in 2001, broke up for a stint in 2003, then quickly got back together. They married in 2006, separated in 2008, then quickly got back together in early 2009.
Pink dated rock drummer/Pamela Anderson-ex Tommy Lee during their first breakup, which was what likely sent her running back into Hart's arms.
Who she should date next: If things don't work out with her husband, Pink should consider an athlete who makes her look a bit more feminine by comparison—like a UFC fighter.
I didn't mean that feminine thing as a knock either. I think she actually makes the buff broad thing work.
Sensationally stunning actress Kerry Washington married recently released NFL cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha in June 2013, after dating for about a year.
Fun fact! Back in 2004 Washington was previously engaged to actor David Moscow, who played young Tom Hanks (or, if you prefer, young Josh Baskin) in the 80s classic Big.
Who she should date next: Nobody. Kerry n' Nnamdi 4eva! They're an adorable couple. What can I say—I hope it lasts a lifetime.
Former Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson is married to failed NFL wide receiver Hank Baskett, who proposed to the notoriously birdbrained bunny after just six month of dating.
Baskett may be no good at playing football professionally, but considering Wilkinson's previous relationship was with an 87-year-old man and the two blondes she shared him with, it's a step up.
Who she should date next: Since this marriage has definitely begun its slow descent into the gutter—now it's only a matter of time—Kendra should date the Cardinals Darnell Dockett next.
After all, he shares her affinity for nudity.
Model Hilary Rhoda was rumored to have dated Jets backup quarterback Mark Sanchez back in 2009, before he was a sports pariah. She quickly moved on to former Rangers agitator Sean Avery, who was likely drawn to Rhoda's…wardrobe.
You know, with him being such a fashionmonger and all.
The couple broke up in 2011, probably because she realized Avery is a positively wretched human being. Unfortunately the clarity wouldn't last forever. According to a PageSix report from May 2013, Rhoda and Avery rekindled their romance.
When asked to comment, Avery responded "Ya we got married." Please God let that be a joke.
Who she should date next: Rhoda is one of the most in demand models working in the world today, so she needs an athlete to match. I'm thinking the Clippers Blake Griffin because Chris Paul is already married.
Super sexy and all-around seductive actress Scarlett Johansson has a colorful dating history that dates back nearly a decade. Actors Benicio Del Toro and Sean Penn are two of her more interesting exes—not to mention, likely proof of some serious underlying daddy issues.
Johansson has stuck primarily to dating actors over the years, but she was rumored to have been dating aging Yankees treasure Derek Jeter back in December of 2004. Apparently The Jeet just hooked her up with a gift basket and sent her on her way.
Who she should date next: The NHL could really use the boost that would come from Scarlett Johansson dating Penguins superstar Sidney Crosby.
At 28, she's just two years older than him, and jeez they'd have pretty children.
Singer Taylor Swift has already dated pretty much every man on earth and written a terrible song about it. And she's only 23 years old!
Generally, she likes to stick to singers and certified tools like John Mayer, but Swift was linked to super cute surfer John John Florence in March 2013.
Yes, her camp totally denied it. No, I don't believe anything PR people say. They probably dated briefly before he dumped her, which explains the aggressive denials.
Who she should date next: Uh...I think it's time for Ms. Taylor to take an extended break from the dating scene and focus on Ms. Taylor.
She should also focus on writing age-appropriate songs that aren't about her actual age or settling a score with a boy who dumped her. It's just getting sad.
Professionally scandalous Paulina Gretzky can afford to be professionally scandalous (also known as forever unemployed) because she's the daughter of hockey legend Wayne "The Great One" Gretzky.
In January 2013, she decided to take a break from attempting to give her father a stroke—by constantly posting skintastic selfies of herself online—to date PGA pro Dustin Johnson.
And, wouldn't you know it; they were engaged just eight months later. She's 24. He's 29.
Thankfully nobody takes that whole "till death do us part" thing literally anymore because she will literally be on her third husband by her 30th birthday. A modest estimate, if you ask me.
Who she should date next: Capitals superstar Alex Ovechkin—he should be single again by the time these two break up. Paulina likes to bother her dad and—if Don Cherry has taught me anything—it's that Canadian hockey people hate Russian hockey people.
Just to be clear, that was a joke. If Don Cherry has taught me anything, it's that Don Cherry is a terrible human being who should never be listened to. Like...ever.
Country cutie Carrie Underwood, one of just two winners of American Idol I can actually remember, is married to NHL player Mike Fisher. They met at a Carrie Underwood concert (imagine that!) back in 2008 and have been doing the happily ever after thing ever since.
Underwood had previously dated Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, before he decided to trade her in for an older, less talented model. Of course, I'm referring to Jessica Simpson, who I'm told once had a singing career, but I can't recall anything she actually sang.
Who she should date next: Nobody. Carrie is an angel sent from heaven who will be married forever. Sorry, boys.
Model-turned-actress Brooklyn Decker is married to former American tennis bust, also current Fox Sports 1 analyst bust, Andy Roddick.
They've been together since 2007 and, regrettably, there seems to be no end in sight.
Who she should date next: Ugh…anyone but Andy Roddick. I'm sorry, but I just don't like that dude.
Aging socialite Paris Hilton is currently dating a man by the name of DJ Afrojack because of course she is. In the past, she has dated director Todd Phillips and nightclub owner Cy Waits. Hilton has also been intimate with superstar footballer Cristiano Ronaldo and actor person Dough Reinhardt.
She once swapped spit with actor Jared Leto and tragically 90s, despite existing in the 2000s, rocker Benji Madden. Before that, she was shacking up with Bruce Jenner spawn Brody Jenner and Swedish male model Alex Vaggo. Also invited for a stay at the Paris Hilton was actor Adrian Grenier and singer James Blunt.
Preceding them were actor Josh Henderson, tennis bust Andy Roddick and the late DJ AM. Hilton once dated Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker, which was right after a fling with greasy oil heir Brandon Davis.
Before that, she was giving failed quarterback Matt Leinart and actor Chad Michael Murray the business. Then there was her Greek shipping heir phase, when she dated Stavros Niarchos and got engaged to Paris Latsis. The marriage never happened.
Earlier in her career as a temporary bad dating decision to the stars, Hilton was linked to terrible singer Fred Durst, former MTV VJ Simon Rex, wannabe porn king Joe Francis and Avril Lavigne-ex Deryck Whibley. Those fellows were the encore performance to relationships with troubled boybander Nick Carter, troubled actor Tom Sizemore and troubled actor Edward Furlong.
And lest we forget about the man who filmed his stay at the Paris Hilton, hence launching her forever into the spotlight, Rick Salomon, the director, star and co-distributor of the porn classic One Night in Paris. (See what they did there?)
Who she should date next: I've got two words for you! The first word is...Richie. The second word is...Incognito. It's stunning these two haven't already hooked up.
That isn't even the full list of Hilton's conquests. It was the abbreviated list of the guys we know she hooked up with. God help us, and please, for the love of him, someone please alert the CDC.
Bring It On bombshell Gabrielle Union has been dating the Miami Heat's Dwyane Wade (and his chronically enfeebled knee) for over five years. (Love me...love my chronically enfeebled knee...that's what he always says)
The timeline of their romance is a wee bit fuzzy, but rumor has it that it started around the time his marriage to high school sweetheart Siohvaughn Funches was ending. Ain't that always the way?
Obviously, that's a rumor advanced by Funches via an ugly lawsuit, though it's been denied by both Union and Wade. Before getting hot and heavy with D-Wade and the Heat down in Miami, Union was married to former NFL running back Chris Howard.
The pair were married way back in 2001 and celebrated their five-year anniversary with the traditional gift of paper…divorce papers. Hiyo!
Who she should date next: How about LeBron James? I hear he's married to his high school sweetheart with a couple of kids. She wouldn't even have to relocate.
I'm just kidding! I hope these two last. Or, at the very least, have a very elaborate wedding and equally elaborate divorce before separating.
Sultry, shapely and seductive Colombian singer Shakira, whose hypnotic hips don't lie, has been in some kind of Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt relationship with footballer Gerad Pique for a few years.
The couple already has one child together but apparently don't want to "rush into anything."
Who she should date next: For some reason, Pique hasn't been rushing to put a ring on it, which means she's still technically available...at least until Derek Jeter snatches her up.
Maybe after he retires next season, he'll finally be looking to settle down with an age-appropriate non-model. After all, isn't that what every guy is dying to do?!
Still, Shakira is as good as any model.
Actress Eva Longoria was married to Spurs point guard Tony Parker for awhile, but then he cheated on her with the wife of one of his teammates. Their marriage didn't survive that one…shocker. Neither did the marriage of his teammate...shocker.
Longoria also dated Jets backup quarterback Mark Sanchez, who is 12 years her junior for a few weeks in the fall of 2012. Then she wised up and slowly backed away from that bad decision. Sanchez is obviously a good looking man, but yeah...no.
Who she should date next: Ms. Eva has cougar written all over her. She doesn't seem to be into having kids and certainly doesn't look like a woman closing in on 40, so I'm thinking she'd be a good match for Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota, after he lands in the NFL.
It may not last, but in the mean time Mariota would have a very hot girlfriend and someone old enough to buy him booze.
Before hooking up with, and quickly getting engaged to, tennis player Ryan Sweeting late last summer, actress Kaley Cuoco had a very specific type—actors. It seems she's really broadened her horizons to include athletes.
Cuoco and Sweeting may be "getting married," but considering they've been dating since August and have been engaged since September, it will be the first marriage for both, but the last for neither. These two will be splitsville before her 30th birthday, which is still three years away.
Who she should date next: How about a tennis player we've actually heard of? It doesn't even have to be Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer or Novak Djokovic—I'd settle for Mardy Fish at this point.
Or...how about...Victoria Azarenka! Twist!
Kim Kardashian, who is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape, has had several well-publicized romances (if you can call them that) with professional athletes. Among her conquests are Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin, Lions running back Reggie Bush and superstar footballer Cristiano Ronaldo.
Then, of course, there was her short-lived marriage to the Celtics Kris Humphries. The wedding cost no less than $10 million—none of which she paid for out of pocket—and divorce papers were filed as part of the dessert course at the reception.
Okay, maybe not at the reception. But 72 days later.
Who she should date next: Nobody! We all know her next marriage is going to last about as long as it takes Kanye West to pick out the right shade of white for their all white wedding—because you know it's going to be all white. But, hopefully the male population will have learned their collective lesson by then.
And seriously, who do they think they're fooling with all white anything? They already had a baby…and mommy is a porn star...the jig is up.
Supermodel/supermogul Gisele Bundchen and Patriots quarterback Tom Brady are the classic love story. Boy meets girl and gets her pregnant. Then boy meets a supermodel, dumps his pregnant girlfriend and eventually gets the supermodel pregnant. Twice.
Before Brady, Bundchen also dated dreamy surfer Kelly Slater, Captain America Chris Evans and mega MEGA movie star Leonardo DiCaprio. The fact that Brady can confidently follow in those footsteps is all the more reason to totally hate him.
Damn you, Brady. Damn you to hell.
Who she should date next: Nobody. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic (I'm definitely not a hopeless romantic), but these two seem like they could go the distance.
And if they don't go the distance, Gisele will likely have finally reached an age in which nobody cares about who she's dating. Not that she'll care—since she'll be sitting on a billion dollar fortune.
Stunning singer Rihanna—stunning in her beauty and her actions—counts Dodger hottie Matt Kemp and former boxer Dudley O'Shaughnessy among her many exes.
She's also rumored to have dated chronically enfeebled Cavaliers big man Andrew Bynum and the Heat's Rashard Lewis at one point or another in the last several years.
But let's get real. All that really matters here is that she's no longer dating certified superjag Chris Brown. Rihanna finally saw the error of her ways and sent Mr. Rage Issues packing...again...and forever.
Who she should date next: There are few people on Earth I love more than Rihanna, which is why I want to see her with a stable force in her life. She needs a man who is 50 percent boyfriend, 50 percent babysitter.
First thought was Tim Tebow, but I don't think he could handle RiRi's substantial flava. Instead I'm thinking the Spurs' Tim Duncan, who is recently divorced, would be perrrrrfect.
Bodaciously busty model Kate Upton has yet to confirm a single relationship since being thrust into the public eye, but that doesn't mean she's celibate or anything.
The two-time Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover girl was rumored to have been dating Jets backup quarterback Mark Sanchez for a few months back in late 2011/early 2012.
A few months into the new year, Upton had moved on to another sports star, Tigers ace Justin Verlander, who she met while shooting a commercial for MLB 2K12.
The pair were together—at least on and off—through the rest of the year before splitting in early 2013. Wonder which hurts worse: Losing Kate Upton or losing two consecutive World Series?
Who she should date next: You...she should totally date you. Don't even pretend that's not exactly what you were thinking.
**And since I just hooked you up with Kate Upton, you should hook me up with a follow on the Twitters: Follow @blamberr