WWE Worst of the Week: The Big Show, Eva Marie and More
Well, the whole Daniel Bryan in the main event thing was fun, but it's clearly The Big Show that fans want.
It's just like in 1999, when fans clearly preferred Show to that smaller, more charismatic, more athletically gifted wrestler, Steve Austin.
Sadly, WWE keeps digging in deeper with The Authority storyline, so if you're into that you may be loving WWE. If not, you may need to find something else to satisfy your sports entertainment needs. Perhaps the roller derby is in town.
This week we saw Kane turn corporate, Tyson Kidd return (poor Great Khali, he had to find out that his girlfriend of the past year was actually married) and The Bella Twins take their turn trying to sell us ugly T-shirts.
It was a lot to sort through, so let's dive on in and take a look at WWE's worst moments of the week.
5. Lawsuit Videos
OK, first off, why would WWE agree to let The Big Show air a video highlighting the points of his lawsuit on its own television show?
Second of all, why would the company then air the entire video, in its entirety, again?
And third of all, how exactly does Big Show sue WWE when he repeatedly broke into arenas and beat up a bunch of wrestlers and the boss?
The company shouldn't bother bringing legal drama into storylines. That just opens up a ton of issues that will never make sense. Why doesn't Dusty Rhodes sue Big Show for punching him in the face? Why doesn't Daniel Bryan sue Big Show for gimmick infringement? Why don't I sue Big Show for the irreversible brain damage I suffered from watching Knucklehead?
Wrestling and lawsuits just don't mix well. The Big Show and main event storylines mix even worse.
4. Gimme My Axel
OK, so there probably weren't many fans tuning in to watch Curtis Axel take on Big E Langston on Main Event, but those that did had to be a little disappointed.
If WWE isn't going to deliver a match that it was promoting, the least it could do is say why the match isn't going to happen. That way, it shows that the company actually cares about its fans. It also won't anger those who tuned in to watch what was promoted.
Apparently, that would require too much effort. Neither of the wrestlers showed up for duty, and the announcers didn't mention it. Imagine UFC hyping a fight for a television special, then when the show aired the fight didn't happen and the announcers didn't acknowledge it.
Most companies respect their fans' intelligence more than WWE does. It may be hard for Vince McMahon to believe, but the average WWE fan has a memory that lasts longer than 48 hours.
And if you had the unfortunate opportunity to watch Main Event, you've also got to feel for Hunico and Camacho. The two had their first match in over a year. It was unadvertised, they had the same stereotypical gimmick they've always had, and they lost.
For their sake, let's hope they're promoted for next week's show.
3. Eva Marie Pins Tamina
How is Tamina ever going to get over as a monster heel when WWE keeps making her look so weak?
Let's take a look at some quick, scientifically proven facts:
- Eva Marie knows exactly zero wrestling moves. Tamina appears to know a few.
- Eva Marie is teamed up with the not-over Bella Twins. Tamina is aligned with the over AJ Lee.
- Eva Marie couldn't convincingly open a box of cereal. Tamina could probably kill you if you looked at her the wrong way.
What WWE sees in Eva is a bit of a mystery at this point. Sure, she's on a bad TV show, but so are lots of people. I don't see Danny Bonaduce getting a push these days. She hasn't shown any potential, and apparently draws nuclear heat from the rest of the locker room.
Now, most tellingly, look at the above photo. There's no possible way that roll-up would work on a trained fighter. It wouldn't work on my grandmother while she was distracted trying to open a jar of pickles.
Suspension of disbelief only goes so far when watching a wrestling match, and I'm just not willing to suspend it for Eva.
2. El Torito Is Horny
You almost have to give WWE credit that it went this long before making a “horny” joke about El Torito.
You see, the joke is he isn’t actually sexually excited by Renee Young, he just has horns. This makes him horny. Oh, but he's also excited by Renee Young so the joke is stupid and doesn't make sense.
I’m not sure there’s anything more offensive on TV than WWE's portrayal of little people. Before Santa Claus gave Hornswoggle the ability to talk (yes, that actually happened) he was a grunting idiot.
Now, El Torito is the same way. He has also never learned to talk. He just walks around wanting to hump everything. Unfortunately for El Torito, that's illegal.
The only lawsuit I want to see now is El Torito sued by Renee Young for sexual harassment. Or just throw him in prison—either way works.
1. Raw's Lame Event
The last half hour of Raw was among the most painful segments of the year.
Big Show slid back into being the ever-so-happy babyface, and he seems like a fool for dropping his lawsuit. If he really thought he could own the company, why would he give that up just to get one match?
Why not own the company instead, and book himself in every main event from here until his early death from gigantism (per Stephanie McMahon's claim)?
And if he is stupid enough to just ask for one match, didn't he watch Daniel Bryan get screwed over multiple times lately? He should have at least asked for a no-interference, no-shenanigans-type match.
Or, if The Authority does interfere, maybe they have to buy him some Arby's afterward.
To show how Big Show is even more foolish, he should have got his demands in writing and signed the contract before he was beat up by The Shield. That should mean the lawsuit is back on, but it won't be. WWE is going to punish us instead of Show by continuing this feud.
Big Show says he wants to be the face of WWE. I don't even want him as the face of a TV dinner.
Time to kick out.
Well, that's all for this week. Agree? Disagree? What was your worst moment of the week? Sound off below and thanks for reading!