Congratulations for stumbling upon the latest edition of The Onion Bag: your one-stop shop for weird and wonderful stories from world football.
Firstly, we head to Borussia Dortmund's Westfalenstadion, where the unbeatable atmosphere has come under threat from pigeons. The solution? Giant disco balls!
Next up is Neymar, who has taken to his Instagram page to complain about random fans calling him in the middle of the night. We have some practical solutions for the Brazilian.
Finally, we head to Italy where we discover the risque joke Andrea Pirlo once pulled on his Milan counterpart Gennaro Gattuso.
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