"How about we just skip the game and head to the Build-A-Bear?"
Whoa there, Chief. You can't just go throwing around sentences like that. There are certain things you are not allowed to say as a sports fan, and that's one of them.
If you're a true sports enthusiast, any sentence about "skipping the game" better end with "because Greg is on fire" or something about rescuing children from pirates. You can't suggest not going to the game for some oddball reason.
With that in mind, the following are 20 statements and/or questions that sports fans just do not say. You won't hear these sentiments being spoken aloud at any sporting event, anywhere—and if you do, you need to grab that person and tell them to leave. Now.
We go to stadiums to do two things: Watch the game and consume things that will make us feel terrible about ourselves.
So, if you're going to the ballpark looking for some fresh mixed greens, you're gonna have a bad time.
Layups and dunks—never have two things so different counted for the same amount of points.
It goes without saying that dunks—at their best—are some of the most electrifying and cathartic moments in all of sports.
Anyone who hates on a dunk—even an unspectacular dunk—is committing high treason and should be treated with suspicion.
"Break out the cardboard mats and the jam box! DJ Bizzy Bill is in the house!"
Saying you "only watch the playoffs" means one thing—you don't give a damn about this particular sport.
That's okay, though. You don't have to like every sport.
Just know, however, if you tell someone you don't watch ____ until the postseason, you've given away any and all opportunity you once had to comment on the games.
You know who was getting really tired of the old kickoff line? No one.
The only entity that wanted to change the kickoff rules was the NFL, which you can't really blame. They're just trying to protect athletes from suing them for millions in the future.
"Greetings, friend. Would you like to drink fine spirits and cover meat in fire before today's competition?"
"You, my good man, are a genius."
I wasn't there for the first tailgate, but I can only imagine it went something like the above conversation. It wasn't a discussion—it was a life-altering discovery.
Bruno Mars is playing at the 2014 Super Bowl, so we might be safe for another year.
That being said, don't be surprised if some trap door pops open and Licky McFoamFinger comes crawling onto the stage.
Yep. Just jinxed it.
Complain about Thursday Night Football all you want.
Whine until the cows come home about how sapped the players are and how poorly the teams perform. That's your right as an American citizen.
That being said, Thanksgiving would be an unrelenting maelstrom of forced conversation with family without football. It's one of the few situations where you can sit in the same room as members of your extended family and ignore them completely without reprisal.
As long as it's not actively striking us that very moment, we, as sports fans, do not care about lightning.
The conventional wisdom is that the storm is far away and wouldn't dare to strike this giant, metal-lined bowl in which we're sitting. That would be a mean, wrong and hurtful thing for lightning to do.
Unfortunately, the reality is that lightning doesn't care what we want because it's lightning.
Balcony seats can give you a nice view of the X's and O's.
That being said, if you say you'd prefer to watch the action from 100 feet away instead of close enough to wipe players' sweat off your shoes, you'd be lying.
No one turns down courtside seats—you may never get another shot.
"How'd that hole end up in your drywall?"
"Told my roommate to DVR the game, but it went into overtime, and he forgot to record the show after the game..."
"Shhh...say no more."
If you're worried about bringing in a superstar because it'll disturb "team chemistry," you're worrying about first-world fan problems.
"Do you want to pay an exorbitant amount of money on alcohol for no reason at all?"
"Indeed! That sounds way better than getting creative and saving hundreds of dollars."
No one wants to pay through the nose for stadium booze, and that's why man invented the Beer Beard—the manliest way to transport 80 ounces of alcohol through security without anyone getting wise.
Who wants to deal with all the excitement of scoring points when you can enjoy a nice, slow-grinding struggle-fest?
That's not to say defense is boring or unimportant—far from it. However, nothing is a bigger buzzkill than a game where both offenses can't get anything going.
Who could ever be sick and tired of hearing people scream, "Tebow, we love you"?
The answer to that question can be found in a sad, sad parking lot in Jacksonville.
It worked the first two times, right?
No, sending Dennis Rodman to North Korea didn't do much to bolster U.S. relations with Kim Jong Un.
That being said, it was less of a U.S. foreign policy plan and more of a "Dennis Rodman doing Dennis Rodman things" situation.
Hiring Lane Kiffin as the head coach of your football team is a foolproof route to success—that is, if your wish is to succeed at giving scholarships to eighth-graders and alienating your entire fanbase.
Bob Costas is the guy at the party who shows up, doesn't want to be there and spends the entire evening texting about how lame the shindig is.
He's probably the last person you'd ever want at your party, that is, unless you enjoy discussing the New York Mets and their contributions to the decay of Western civilization.
You don't have to like Adrian Peterson, but you have to respect his moves.
Actually, you do have to like Peterson. The guy is a gold-hearted, ball-running machine. What are you, some kind of monster?
Fighting Jon "Bones" Jones would be one of the most B.A. ways to exit this world.
However, if you're someone who enjoys being alive, eating solid foods and having your loved ones recognize your facial features, you're probably not begging for a shot at the UFC Light Heavyweight champ.
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