Welcome to The Onion Bag, your one-stop shop for football nonsense.
First up today, we look at The Sunday People's incredible revelation that Joe Kinnear recently tried to sign one of his own players. Could the Newcastle Director of Football have made such a baffling error? (Apparently so, yes.)
Next, we head over to sunny Spain to check on in Real Madrid's favourite Welshman Gareth Bale. The world's most expensive player has gone from zero to hero at the White House after turning in some impressive performances this week.
In fact, he was so good on Saturday that he made a defender cry.
We finish up in Manchester, where City have been teaching their foreign players to learn English by watching children's TV. So, if you want to know the latest goings-on with Postman Pat, Jesus Navas is your man.
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