The one where we support our troops…

Happy Memorial Day! Regardless of how you feel about our current military campaigns, when it comes to our brothers and sisters struggling to make the world a better place, we should have nothing but love, respect, and empathy for the incredible work they are doing. We should also take some time today to remember their predecessors, the soldiers that freed the world and kept it free. This all sounds pretty trite, so I’ll get to the point – today we honor retired and active service personnel and there is no better way to do that than to remind everyone what they are fighting for. Here is the best of America:

God bless America. Here are your local Houston Sports updates:

Astros: Lost 5-0 to the Rangers, who used to be owned by Bush 43. Yikes. We left 10 men on base (blue balls?) and gave up 3 dongs. No sport has as many sexual euphanisms that are somewhat socially acceptable as baseball – dongs, dingers, shutouts, 7th inning stretch. Hell, when you’re talking to your buddies in middle school college about how far you got with a girl, you always default to the base system. That’s why it’s America’s past-time.

Texans: The Bleacher Report says we’ll blitz more this year. It’d be hard not to – any number is greater than zero.

Rockets: Hopefully enjoying their well-earned vacay, except for Tracie whom I hope is rehabbing his vajayjay. You see, if he starts rehabbing now, he’ll get injured again before the season starts, which is an optimal outcome in the Random book.

MMA: Is local because I write about it, ergo ipso facto. Rex is too much of a snob to recap the changing of the guard on Saturday night, but human conundrum Lyoto Machida beat Rashad Evans to take the 205 lb belt. Until Machida, Karate had failed horribly in mixed martial arts, but now it is the sport de jour until someone comes to the UFC with some crazy Krav Maga, which is the art of not getting stabbed by Palestinians. Anyway, here is a recap of the 205 landscape and how much Franklin McNeil wants to have babies with Machida.

Karate FTW!!!

Coogs: The golf coach got fired. Hopefully the Coogs will pick up Don Johnson’s character from Tin Cup – remember – he won the tourney that year, even if Kevin Costner got Rene Russo and her a-cups. 

Dynamo: Beat the Earthquakes, Toronto FC next. I can only assume FC stands for “fuck choi”, which is french-canadian for fuck you. I took 3 years of French in high school, so don’t front. By the way, if we have to be all politically correct about the name of our sports teams, how does Earthquakes get a pass? Earthquakes kill a shit ton of people every few years. Injuns kill almost none. Reverse discrimination. 

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